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bz786 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 03 September 2010 at 8:42pm
Salam brothers & sisters..

I am going through really difficult time..what happened was, i m only child of my parents..i got engaged last year 2 sum1 who lives in another country...everything was fine, until my fiance's dad called my family n suddenly refused the proposal after 1 year without telling the reason..then, his family realized after some time that they did mistake n asked for forgiveness..i have a very calm personality, so i forgave them,n also convinced my family to forgive them...they did so just coz of my happiness...but they are having difficulty in keeping a peaceful relation with his family..all my family members keep telling me that i m making wrong decision by forgiving them as we should judge ppl on the basis of their behaviour...
The reason i m still strong for this proposal is coz i did istakhara n it was positive..my fiance also did istakhara n it was positive for him as well...

Do u guys think i m doing right by trusting my prayers that the family & boy will be nice to me & we shouldn't judge on one time behaviour as all of us are human beings n we can make mistake??am i wrong 2 forgive them??..am i being a bad daughter by leaving my parents in this country alone n moving to another country?

Pls help me, what should i do...
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Sign*Reader View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sign*Reader Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 September 2010 at 3:42pm
W'a' salaam
There are some missing factors here!
You need to find out the reason being wishy-washy state the forgiveness notwithstanding...to see your fiance being an independent decision maker! What will be the living arrangements with or without in-laws , which country you will be moving to... if things do go awry would you be able to hack it on your own?...

In arranged marriages two families in laws need to have a fair working relationship for survival of the marriage generally speaking but if there is a strong personality attraction between the prospective couple everything else becomes moot!
 PM me your and his birth day then I might give you some fun pointers!



Edited by Sign*Reader - 06 September 2010 at 12:40am
Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.
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Hayfa View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hayfa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 September 2010 at 7:37pm
I agree with Sign.. it all depends on the parameters.

Yes people make mistakes. They act in haste. And as Sign said, where will you be living etc.

I have to say that some people have LONG memories. And they won't ever let it go away. It is irritating.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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bz786 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bz786 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 September 2010 at 8:30pm
Thank u so much for reply n advice...

I will be moving to Germany..both of us are doctors..he is just finishing...n i m going to finish next year inshallah..He is eldest son..so he wants to live with his parents..but for 1st few years of marriage may be we will live separately as his parents apartment is not big enough until he will buy a bigger one..(thats his suggestion)..

It was 100% arranged marriage,but after engagement both of us used to talk 2 eachother with permission from both families...we have good understanding alhamdolillah..thats why i decided to convince my family to forgive them..

After whatever happened...all the relatives keep pressurizing my parents that they are making wrong decision by listening to me & his family won't be nice to me..they keep scaring them n it is difficult when parents doesn't seem satisfied...i can understand their point view as well as i m their only daughter n they r concerned...

Little things like why should we call them now, we already called them last time, now its their turn to call...even from guys side,his parents doesn't always want to call as they think that my family should also show that they have actually forgave them & accepted them again..i hate it when ppl make issue out of everything no matter if it is his family or mine..every1 should live peacefully...

Ya about date of births..
Mine:1982
His:1982

Thank u so much for ur time...
(Admin: don't share any detail in public forum)


Edited by icforumadmin - 06 September 2010 at 2:15am
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lady View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lady Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 September 2010 at 3:55am

Assalaamoaalikum sister. I know that it must be really difficult to not have your side of the family to be at ease with your decision. I hope that you are making the right decision about marrying that guy. I do feel sad for your family as well because you are the only child. And they would want you to be with someone who will be kind to you and love you like a muslim wife should be loved. I know that you want to marry him. I just think that it will be sad if you moved to another country and live far away from your family. Your family are the people who love you alot, especially your parents. I hope that you will get everything in life that is good for you only. Anyway, if I were you, I would definetely wait for a month or more without talking to him. Maybe if you keep away from talking with him on the phone, then you can be less distracted with what you need to do for your life. I really hope that you will listen to your family first. I am sure that you are praying about it. One thing that I will add is that if your PARENTS are sane people, then you will never be able to find someone who will love you more than them. I say that because they will always want the best for you, even more than any human being. With that said, then of course, they will try their best to help you make the right decision. Alot of times our parents are not wrong. I listened to my family about chosing my future husband. To my surprise, my family was correct about my future husband. And he is better than I could have imagine.Trust me, I am smiling alot now because I could say alot of things that I am happy with about him.  But I refuse too. hahah. Anyway, sister, I can not imagine being in a horrible marriage at all. I hope that you will get all the good things in life and I hope that all the bad things in life will not come your way. Assalaamaolaikum sister. Keep us updated. Also too I would like to say that if you want to quickly ruin or distance your relationship with your GOOD parents, then the fastest way to do that is to marry someone they disapprove of.

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Chrysalis View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 September 2010 at 11:27am
SignReader brought up good questions that you need to consider...

Another point to consider is... and sorry if I sound harsh - but didn't the man have a backbone? If he was committed to marrying you, and there was an understanding b/w you both... then why did he let his parents go back on their word... and his. He basically went back on his words as well.

So... would you consider that a good trait in a husband? (going back on his word). As far as I'm aware, in many muslim cultures, breaking off an engagement is a pretty serious matter.

Would he be a good decision-maker after marriage? If he can't even make up his mind. Perhaps it was not his fault and he was compelled to by his parents - but then, can you trust him to do right by you after Nikah, and not get swayed by other opinions. (I am in no way suggesting that men should ignore their parents wishes or disrespect them, or put them below their wife) But from a female's point of view - she is going to be under the care & protection of the husband, and so needs assurance that he will stand by her even if tomorrow the in-laws change their mind or attitude.

So, yes... some points to ponder on... It also depends on your personal nature. Some people are easygoing & forgiving - its easier for them to forgive, forget & move on. A good trait to have. While some would take a rejection as a personal insult and not take him back for preserving dignity.

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Chrysalis View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 September 2010 at 11:37am
ON THE FLIPSIDE....

It is possible that they (in-laws) are now genuinely sincere in their re-offer for marriage. As long as a person is sincere & genuine - there would be nothing better to forgive... Did you try asking your fiance' what the whole misunderstanding was about? Their reason should play an important role in your decision.

And if you both have developed affections for each other - and see a compability - then why sacrifice all that for the sake of a misunderstanding when you both could possibly have a beautiful future together. You could discuss this aspect with your parents in order to convince them.

Maybe your fiance was the one who convinced them and helped them realize their mistake - if so, then that is a plus point in the list of 'good things'.

I don't think you should reject him based on geographical relocation. Good spouses are already hard to find without us limiting ourselves to geographical locations. You don't know where you or your parents will be in the future, times & circumstances change fast... so that shouldn't be a rejection-factor...

You said you did Istikhara and did was positive - so basically you could just rely on Allah and go for the option where your heart leans towards. I mentioned both Pros & Cons... make a list yourself... which does your heart tilt towards? Go for that and trust in Allah!


"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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