PLEASE HELP!!

J.R. wrote: Although it was quite difficult to get him to do this, he emailed this woman (she's now living abroad) and told her she's married. He sent me an exact copy of the email, with her email address within it so I know it's the real deal. He said in the email how he hurt his wife and now he has to try to earn my trust back. I still have not given him a definite answer. He's still in touch with this woman's mother, she calls him sometimes. I told him he can no longer have any contact with this woman or her mother because it's what I want and I just don't want this woman's mother talking to my husband! He couldn't do that. Does anyone think what I asked was unreasonable? J.R.

J.R.,

I am so sorry but there are 2 things you need to do. The first is to e-mail this person and see if that is indeed her e-mail. Why? Beacuse I can make a ficticious e-mail address now and do the exact same thing he did. The second, if he cannot stop talking to this woman's mother for you (And H*LL no it was not to much to ask! YOU ARE HIS WIFE) then he still has and wants contact with her.

If he loved you or respected you at all he would have never done this and he would be doing anything right about now to get you back WITHOUT you having to force him.

Do you understand that he is showing you that SHE comes first? He is telling you that he WILL NOT give up total contact with her by staying in contact with her mother.

J.R. I swear this man is still lying to you. I do not believe she is out of the country, I believe he is trying to get you off his back so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Please, Please, Please, do yourself a favor and spare yourself more pain in the immediate future........leave him now. You need to say to him, either you want to be my husband totally or not at all. And make him decide. He has lied to you, comittted adultry and still will not break off all ties with this woman and you are still talking to him. Do you understand that at this point he thinks he can do anything he wants? And is still telling you how he is going to be.

If it were me, I would have kicked in his door, beaten him within an inch of his worthless life and divorced him. But that's me.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS MAN! YOUR FEELINGS SHOULD COME FIRST AND NOT HIS WANTING TO KEEP THIS WOMAN'S MOTHER AS A FRIEND.

If he cannot do that for you, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Please do not be mad at me. That is as blunt as I can be. Your heart is telling you what you already know. I know you think that you love him so much......but he cannot even respect you in the days after you get married to him.

Divorce him........you are better than this and you deserve more than this and you are the only one that can stand up for you because the creep you married does not love you.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.........you do not deserve this. And I am sorry I had to be this blunt. I so wish I could take this hurt from you.

Allah Ma3aki,

Lameese

J.R. wrote: Salaam, I agree, Sis Lameese. I did what you suggested. I told him I wouldn't contact her if he gavae me her email but once I got that address that same thought popped into my head,..."What if it's fake?" So I sent her an email, telling her who I am and that I do not wish to bother her since this is not her fault and I wished her luck abroad. I have been telling him that he's been putting her happiness over mine. I so wish he could get his act together and show me true remorse. Is Allah (swt) tesing me as to my level of forgiveness? Forgiveness can only come when I know I can trust him and at this point I still can't do that. J.R.

J.R.,

The e-mail is probably fake, even if "she" writes you back. You will never know if it is her writing you or him. You can never be sure....

Yes, I think God is testing you but not for your level of forgivness. I think God is showing you what you need to know now to protect yourself. I think God is being very good to you to show you how this man is not being a true Muslim so that you can leave now. Maybe you are not seeing it the right way.

I know that you think you love him and want to be with him but he has done everything to you in a few short weeks after your marriage. You need to leave J.R. and I think God is showing you how you can and that you have the right to. I think it is the human side of you that wants him to love you.

This man has lied to you, over and over and over again. And if you stay with him, he will continue to lie to you again. By Not putting your foot down you are showing him that you do not respect yourself so he will not respect you either.

Please get out of this horrible situation that will get worse........

Lameese

Suleyman,

You are a wonderful man to take care of your family like you are.  I know God will bless you for your sacrifices.  I was unaware of your language difficulties and I'll be more careful when I read your posts.  As a linguist I understand getting a conversation all mixed up.  To make things funny, there is a word in Chech (or maybe its Slovakian) that means Salt or Salt Shaker, in Polish, the word means lady of not so clean morals.  An old man back home who emigrated here from Chechoslovakia was having dinner with some Polish relatives of mine.  The languages were close enough that they almost could understand each other.  Until he asked for some salt.  My relative thought he was asking him to pass over his wife.    Needless to say, the poor guy got punched and didn't even know why until someone sorted it all out much later.  True Story.  You're a good man Suleyman.

And J.R., drop me an email to that address I sent you.  There are quiet a few college programs for the visually impaired.  I had a college dormmate who was being sponsered by one, they paid for a special monitor and software for her computer, so she could read her textbooks on the screen of her computer.  I'll see if I can find her email and findout who she went through.

Angie