Husband Issues

Asalaam ALaikum,

Well you know they say you really never know a person until you live with them.. .that seems pretty true to me.

And sis, why would you know he is so focused on these petty matters? I mean like Full of Hopes said, some men use it as an excuse.  There must be something else going on..

Porn: this is another example of a greater issue.

I do not really know what to say, it all depends upon what type of person YOU are. Make duas.. some women would confront about these issues, others won't. There is no reason why such filth is in your house. 

Does he have any relatives who would speak to him? Would he listen to a respected elder / Imam?

My 'guess' is that the reality has sunk in with him. You are not Iranian. Marriage is about WORK. Some people are just lazy. They do not want to work.  What we call the 'honeymoon' period is over. Marriage takes two to make it work.

Here are some options
1. Sit and discuss these aspects of your marriage. When you are calm. Ask him  why did he marry a nonIranian woman if he did not want the inter-cultural lifestyle? He may not have known. But either he accepts you are not mama or it will be tough.
2. Bring in a relative or other outside person to talk with him
3. Go to marriage counseling
4. Do or say nothing.
5. Pray
6. Take time off. Go to visit your family or friends. Tell him you will not be treated in such a manner. The Prophet (PBUH) never treated his wives in such a manner. And we should all be striving.

Yes we should try in our marriages but really, why is he married to you? Frankly I see this ALL the time. Women practically make themselves doormats and get stepped on.  Let's face it, many men in other cultures get very spoiled. They have not been raised to be men.

There is civil decourum and sadly some people miss that. When I was listening to a lecture recently on Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage the lecturer was saying most people marry and do not really focus on that. Both of you have them. And that is that.

"Adult Web sites" YOu know I HATE that stuff. As a woman, I find that all SO demeaning to women. And if you are pass the age of 18 and look at that stuff.. GROSS. Now that is me. a goodfriend of mine (she is nonMuslim) I know her boyfriend has that on his computer. I have not told her. But it SO grosses me out, he is 47.. that I have little to do with him. Its like grow up. GRRRRR

Sister: please check your instinct about what is going on in your marriage. Do you REALLY think it is about potatoes??

It is good he married you instead of me.. if he had yelled at me about potatoes... he'd be sleeping with a big bag of them....lol. 

My Duas for you.

Hayfa

Salaams Sister:

Salams Abuayisha,

I have a question, why do you assume that he is only angry for his perceived 'lack of effort' on her part? Shouldn't he assume the best of intentions? Wed should try and make excuses for people.  And it is not Islamic for him, no matter her intentions, to not talk to her for 6 days!

Marriage is about showing mercy to each other. How can she KNOW how to cook like his mother.. that is an unreasonable expectation.

Even if they are not up to standards. He should help her.. not yell lat her. Just pointless.

Unfortunately when we only have an opportunity to hear one side of the story, I can only make assumptions and "what ifs" concerning why her husband would take such a position over what seems trivial.  As they say, "the devil is in the details" and we really only have her story, which is stated in general terms.  Hey, just maybe the guy isn't such a jerk, but has some reasonable explanation for the behavior his wife has articulated.