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need help with mariage

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ZEA J View Drop Down
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    Posted: 18 July 2005 at 10:16pm

salaam sisters, my name is zea and i am new here.sorry, my english is not that good and so is my spelling.

 my husband i have being maried for six years now, we still ague and fight over stuffs that make no sence like whose family is the best or whose the worst etc.we are both from big family.i do not really get along with his mom and brothers,they are very controling.because of our families my houseband and i are in a great defficulty,even though  we love each other very much and have two beautiful babies,all i can think of right now is to get a divorce.

my question is had any of you (sis) ever being in this kind of situation? if the answer (s) are/is yes,how do you deal with it? your advice maybe helpful .thanks.



Edited by ZEA J
"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92)
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herjihad View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote herjihad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 July 2005 at 4:57am

Bismillah,

Dear Sister Zea,  May Allah, SWT, guide you and your family to finding more peaceful, less combative avenues to express yourselves.  You want to divorce because of arguing?  I know it is difficult and painful to be in this situation.  You just want to run away.  These feelings are normal, totally normal. 

This will take a lot of effort from everyone to find peaceful, communicative, helpful ways to talk to each other.  The hardest thing is to get the others to agree there is a problem that needs fixed, and then to agree on a way to work it out. 

So, to start with, I always find that picking a small, easy thing to do is best.  Taking baby steps to fixing the problem might be less stressful and difficult.  When we set our expectations so high for solutuions to work, we crash, and the situationsis worse when the suggestions we try to put in place fail.  Take it easy.  Try to fix one, small thing.  And take lots of deep breaths.  Walk away from conflict, right in the middle of an argument.  Figure out what starts the arguing, and leave the room for some reason when you figure out it is about to happen.

My inlaws expected me to do absolutely everything their way, or justify it if I didn't.  (You might look at the sister's thread about her inlaws for some comments that would help you.)  What I didn't understand or relate to was that justifying it was something that I could do.  I have learned to discuss things more openly.  Who am I not to explain to them why I do things the way I do?  I was so angry with their silly comments that I couldn't think of a clear solution.  It's okay to repeat yourself calmly a zillion times.  Just because I've explained something 10 times about why I do it that way, doesn't mean it will kill me to do it again, and I shouldn't shout.  Boy, that is hard to do, I'll tell you.  I failed a lot!

One thing that I found in their Arab culture is that they will say "I have always done it this way, and I can't possibly change now."  "Anna mitawad alay hadha min al wakit ana bint, ma barif keef aghayir." In English it sounds completely different than the Arabic, anyway.  I learned this by listening to other people explaining to my inlaws my so called nutty behavior.  (Why does she pick up the trash from in front of the house.  It is shameful!  That is the trash worker"s job.)  By the way, the inside was very clean, but the outside had a trash dump on our little piece of grass, and I wanted a clean patch for my child to play on!

Keep trying. ISA things will improve through time.  Take it easy.  Take deep breaths and focus on peaceful, beautiful thoughts that make you happy.

Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.
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Rose View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rose Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 July 2005 at 8:03am
Originally posted by ZEA J ZEA J wrote:

salaam sisters, my name is zea and i am new here.sorry, my english is not that good and so is my spelling.

 my houseband i have being maried for six years now, we still ague and fight over stuffs that make no sence like whose family is the best or whose the worst etc.we are both from big family.i do not really get along with his mom and brothers,they are very controling.because of our families my houseband and i are in a great defficulty,even though  we love each other very much and have two beautiful babies,all i can think of right now is to get a divorce.

my question is had any of you (sis) ever being in this kind of situation? if the answer (s) are/is yes,how do you deal with it? your advice maybe helpful .thanks.

salaams sister zea

you must be very patient and try talking to your husband about what your feeling. He is the only person that can help you, make him listen to you, there is always a solution.

small arguments like that shouldn't have you thinking of a divorce.

you must think everything out when your away from the fights. And just like sister herjihad said, "This will take a lot of effort from everyone to find peaceful, communicative, helpful ways to talk to each other.  The hardest thing is to get the others to agree there is a problem that needs fixed, and then to agree on a way to work it out. "

 May Allah enlighten our hearts and minds ...

i hope you find all your solutions

Salaams

 

 

 

A thorn defends the rose,harming only those who would steal the blossom
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ummsaleh View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ummsaleh Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 1:50am

Salam Sister,

Be patient, Allah is with those who are patient. This is a womans jihad, we have all been there, it gets better....Inshaállah

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ZEA J View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ZEA  J Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 July 2005 at 2:05pm
Thank you all for responding. Ishaallah, i will be patient.I talked to my friend last night about the way i am feelling,and believe  me it was the first time i to talk to someone about my mariage life .my friend put  lots of sence into my head,she believes that i 'm not thinking right,since i am pregnant.    Ishaallah, i am going to wait until i give bath before taking any step,and i hope things will get better by then .Keep making du'as  please.

Edited by ZEA J
"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92)
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MayPB View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MayPB Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 July 2005 at 10:13pm

Salam Zea,

I pray that you are in good health and strong Iman. My advice would

be to let the argument end with you. Children learn everything about

marriage and relationships from their own home. So in effect you are

in a learning environment and they are picking up on all of it, do you

have disagreements away from the children in privacy, I think for now

that is best, if you feel that you are being unjustly treated is there

a family member or wali you have that is trusted by both you and

who's opinion is respected by your husband? My suggestion would be

that if you get a third party involved, ask for counsel on one issue

or two at a time, be simple and not to seem like you will be complaining

 about everything. I think us women have a concept of the "big picture" and men are more black and white, more concrete. Also

you can catch more flies with HONEY, honey!  

 

Salam

May

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