Arranged-Marriage Series

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   Well the children don't "pick" their mate so family disapproving is not that type of issue. Keep in mind that when someone marries you really marry the "family" People are close and depend on each other for survival. Those same people will need each other. 

Ok I see that I wasn�t clear. Assuming that a woman in Islam can choose her mate [at least that is the impression I get], what if she chooses a mate of another race, or different tribe and the family disapproves? Now, if a woman doesn�t have a choice to choose her mate and the family chooses for her then that is another thing and if that is true then you should not say that a woman has a choice. Perhaps choice, in this limited situation is contingent upon whether she accepts who the family chooses. I was specifically referring to the situation where a Muslim woman chooses someone who the family doesn�t accept. 

For example, a Berber woman wanting to marry an Egyptian man, and both being Muslim, both families reject this union because both culturally speaking are different. Now judging by the Muslim creed and the constant references to the prophet�s last sermon, does a woman still have a choice even though her family may not approve it? But as you say women don't pick their mates so I guess its a question I shouldn't ask.

I understand I come from a different culture but sometimes the families don�t always know what�s right. You can have a family so bent on a person�s culture that they are blinded by the beauty of the person. This happens. I�ve seen it in other relationships. You must understand that this too is a possibility even in Muslim arranged marriages. Muslim culture [I mean culture in the sense of those who identify themselves as Muslims]  is not immune to prejudice.

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Hyposonic Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 17 November 2008 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 247	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hyposonic Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 February 2009 at 9:06am
	Well the children don't "pick" their mate so family disapproving is not that type of issue. Keep in mind that when someone marries you really marry the "family" People are close and depend on each other for survival. Those same people will need each other. Ok I see that I wasn�t clear. Assuming that a woman in Islam can choose her mate [at least that is the impression I get], what if she chooses a mate of another race, or different tribe and the family disapproves? Now, if a woman doesn�t have a choice to choose her mate and the family chooses for her then that is another thing and if that is true then you should not say that a woman has a choice. Perhaps choice, in this limited situation is contingent upon whether she accepts who the family chooses. I was specifically referring to the situation where a Muslim woman chooses someone who the family doesn�t accept. For example, a Berber woman wanting to marry an Egyptian man, and both being Muslim, both families reject this union because both culturally speaking are different. Now judging by the Muslim creed and the constant references to the prophet�s last sermon, does a woman still have a choice even though her family may not approve it? But as you say women don't pick their mates so I guess its a question I shouldn't ask. I understand I come from a different culture but sometimes the families don�t always know what�s right. You can have a family so bent on a person�s culture that they are blinded by the beauty of the person. This happens. I�ve seen it in other relationships. You must understand that this too is a possibility even in Muslim arranged marriages. Muslim culture [I mean culture in the sense of those who identify themselves as Muslims] is not immune to prejudice.

Hyposonic Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 17 November 2008 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 247	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hyposonic Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 February 2009 at 9:10am
	"In fact, I just told them what I wanted and expected from a husband, and other than my meeting prospective brothers, that's all I had to do." Well, I�m glad you found your suitable partner. I guess to each his/her own right? I guess as long as you find what you are looking for that is all that matters. I just reject the notion that people think arrange marriages are better because of less headache. Some of us in the west like dating. If it doesn�t work out the other person and I can remain friends, it doesn�t always have to be negative. I just don�t think its fair to say that dating leads to intimacy just because someone is Muslim and doesn�t have pre-marital sex or date. Then again, if you believe your belief is holy those types of comments are a consequence of that. I just don�t like the �all things not religion is sin attitude.� Perhaps some are better off saying "arrange marriages is primary method of meeting partners in Islam" not, dating leads to sin and "parentless children" as JihadX puts it. Edited by Hyposonic - 09 February 2009 at 9:11am

JihadX Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 20 June 2008 Status: Offline Points: 258	Post Options Post Reply Quote JihadX Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 February 2009 at 12:50pm
	To Hyposonic: Trust me, I am in USA in High School. I see everything and i see many pregnant teenagers and teenagers who are having sex before marriage etc... Also, for some reason the students think that doing this makes them "cool" and that is why they do it. They do not have any religion or guidelines and this is how the majority of the students are. There are those intelligent students who don't fall into this trap but they are the kids who have morals and values. Back to the arranged marriage: For example, a Berber woman wanting to marry an Egyptian man, and both being Muslim, both families reject this union because both culturally speaking are different. I do not agree with situations such as this because it is showing tribalism. Families should accept the proposal if the muslim is strong in iman , regardless of nationality or tribe etc... If this is how most of the arranged marriages are than maybe they are not that great.
	�The knife that slaughtered the guards at Bagram and set us free is now on its way to other places,� _ The Mujahid, The Eminent, Sheikh Abu Yahya Al Libi

Hyposonic Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 17 November 2008 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 247	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hyposonic Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 February 2009 at 6:21pm
	"Trust me, I am in USA in High School. " This speaks volumes. I�m a college graduate [Oxford university graduate that is] so it�s safe to say that I have experienced a little more than you have as an adult. I was an exchange student at an American highschool in 1992. So whatever experiences you have in high school is that of a �high schooler� I won�t discount those experiences but your experiences surely cannot account for the other 300 million Americans. This is why its good to say �in my experience� that way you refrain from making inaccurate generalzations. "Families should accept the proposal if the muslim is strong in iman , regardless of nationality or tribe etc... " JihadX I totally agree with you here. It does promote a type of tribalism and it is on the face of things "unislamic" is that the correct term?

Chrysalis Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033	Post Options Post Reply Quote Chrysalis Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 February 2009 at 10:51pm
	Lots of issues to adderess here. The 'Arranged Marriage' versus 'Love Marriage' issue is a new one. I think what people mean by 'Love Marriage' is marrying someone they like - because I dont think u can 'love' a person in a short while - in the true sense. Anyway, in the Prophet's time, two kinds of marriages took place, the kind in which a family arranged, and found a spouse for thier child - marriage took place after consent from both parties. Then there was the other kind in which Muslims or Muslimas would come across a certain prospective spouse they liked/wanted to marry - and went ahead with thier decision. Some of them didnt have muslim families, or were all on thier own. They never made it a secret affair, but carried out all steps in public, and involved friends/relatives in the entire process - even though the choice was all thier own. Such kinds of marriages take place even today. The main purpose of arranged marriages is to make the meeting/finding/selecting spouse process easier. You dont have to rely on socialising, going out etc etc to find a partner. Your friends/relatives help you with the 'finding someone' part. And since emotions are not involved at this point, the decision is less hasty, more rational and long term. A marriage is a partnership that needs a lot of thinking, not a meaningless fling - which can be conducted on a whimsical basis of what the current mood of a person is. For westerners, if you want to understand an arranged marriage, its somewhat similar to a 'blind date' - in which ur friends/relatives set you up with someone they think you would like/find compatible. Both parties have a say in the issue. In my country for e.g., whenever a person reaches marriageable age - ppl they know, will mention so-and-so they met at a gathering, or so-and-so that works with them. If that person shows an initial interest, thier relative/friend will manage to find a way to have the parties met at a gathering or at thier place. If all goes well, This can then be pursued by expressing the intention to marry - after which the family which has the proposal has time to consider it - and then agree or decline. The modern day version still involves families. A boy can see/meet a girl in perfectly islamic/natural circumstances - and can ask his family to pursue the issue further. An arranged marriage is not about the family enforcing its will, its also about maintaining modesty, careful screening etc etc. The girl as well as the boy have the chance/right to say no or yes. If a family is focusing on tribes, race, blood, color, ethnicty too much - they are not bieng very islamic in the first place, since in Islam, the main criteria needs to be the character, piety and behaviour of the prospective spouse. Then thats not a very islamic marriage in the first place. . . it has more to do with culture.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

infomagination Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 23 October 2002 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 274	Post Options Post Reply Quote infomagination Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 11 February 2009 at 1:13am
	"the arranged marriage is about letting families do the investigation of each other, and the man and woman involved." That's such a coward route, why judge a future wife on who her family is and base assumptions on what the family members did in the past. Doesn't sit well with me...
	"One morning or evening in the path of Allah is better than the world and all it contains. A hand-span or a whip's length of Jannat is better that the world and all it contains..."Sayings of Nabi(SAW)

Chrysalis Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033	Post Options Post Reply Quote Chrysalis Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 11 February 2009 at 3:44am
	Whats so cowardly about wanting to know the family background of someone you are going to marry? Its all about bieng on the safe side and trying to eliminate risks.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 11 February 2009 at 6:27am
	If the girl is from a rich family we can make several fair "assumptions" about what lifestyle she would be comfortable with. Certainly you're not suggesting family background has no relevance? Anyway, we make a whole host of assumptions about people and situations naturally and without thinking on a daily basis.