Trying to understand Allah

I Pray that Al-Ilahi bestows upon me one day to be in his presence.  I imagine Al-Ilahi understanding that my actions don�t always reflect my heart, but I imagine that he understands that my heart is in the right place.  I imagine that he shakes his head with disappointment every time I falter, but I imagine that he waits for me to be better.  I imagine that he is so patient that he knows I�ll make the right decision at some time.  I imagine that if I could talk to him, he would take me in his arms and place me in his lap and explain to me very gently where I went wrong, and which lesson I was supposed to learn that I did not.  I imagine that He is where happiness is birthed, and maybe I could slumber for a while as he understands that the weight put on my insignificant and feeble soul was starting to tear me apart, and that I needed rest and respite.  I imagine that he would know all the answers that plague me and would want to tell me everything so that I could find him and happiness in my future, my present, and myself.  Nevertheless, I also imagine him wanting me to learn from my mistakes.  So, my Al-Ilah would let me continue to stumble so that I would learn to walk on my own.  I imagine him peaceful, his company placating, his presence majestic, his love never ending, his gaze of kindness without judgment, and his forgiveness indulgent.   And I imagine he smiles, and I imagine he laughs, and I imagine he prefers a child�s innocence, and I imagine he would pick me up, dust off the debri, sift out the damaged, blow away the mistakes and accept me for the sieve of a soul I returned to him.  I imagine he would be saddened by the injustices I have done to my eternal spirit, and as I look down at all the holes that I tore into my essence realizing that I was barely a complete human but that the weight goes beyond that.  I would not even be a complete soul, and I imagine that Al-Ilahi would ask me where I left those pieces of me.  I imagine I would not be able to answer him and would cling to his reality harder than ever, and I imagine that for the first time in my trivial existence I would sense that someone has understood why I am not whole.  I imagine he would let me sleep.  I imagine he would know why I parted with portions of myself in good faith thinking I was protecting others while I hurt myself.  I imagine that he would understand that I could not allow any man commit to take me as the fragment of the person I was, and that the only man who would be able to accept and comprehend my damaged soul would be my Rasool.  I imagine Al-Ilahi would let me sleep.