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A medley of jokes...

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quanfused View Drop Down

Joined: 06 December 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
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    Posted: 08 December 2008 at 8:28pm

Just a wee note - if any of these appear exceedingly crass or vulgar, by all means remove them, and apologies. I am trying to keep in with the same brand of humour, as has been posted elsewhere in this awesome forum. I would, however, be rather curious to see which ones are moderated...

  • If a man has a thought, alone,  in the middle of a forest, is he still wrong?
  • Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • The joy of being married. It's so wonderful finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  • Why is that magical time of the month (the one where women attain incredible superpowers during the full moon) medically termed PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • "WHAT?! You can't tell the difference between a British Soldier and an Iraqi Civilian?! SON, WELCOME to the United States Airforce..."
  • Michael Jackson is doomed to live out his days as a Scooby Doo villain; Living in an abandoned fairground, wearing a plastic fright mask and forever ranting on about those pesky kids*
  • Everyone is entitled to be idiotic, but some abuse the privilege.
  • Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
  • Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
  • books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
  • Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
  • Actual Headline: Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
  • "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989...
  • Early bird gets the worm...Then again, early worm gets eaten.
  • Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
  • Politicians, like nappies, have to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason.
  • After 9/11, Bush made two statements: "Terrorists hate America because America is a land of freedom and opportunity." and "We intend to attack the root causes of terrorism." ..Sounds like everything is going according to plan.
And finally...
This personal one is quite possibly the best to date. I was reading through a UK broadsheet and stumbled across this absolute gem:
The article was written back in 2003 around the time of the Iraq invasion and dealt with British-American animosity towards one another behind front lines, back at base-camp.
What had initially started out as friendly-on-friendly banter eventually precipitated into a full blown "dissing" contest. Such snide exchanges between 'grown-up, professional men', had naturally made their way into the Khazi's in the poetic form of toilet graffiti. Some of the American soldiers (the perpetrators in this case) had decided that this would be the most appropriate way in which to kick off. And it all started off with, "Yo Mama..!".
-- NOW. I should just point out that apparently, over in the States, this seemingly heinous comment has lead to the unfortunate demise of many a poor unsuspecting "Fool" and is thus considered to be the 'NO-NO' of all insults...Hallowed ground - Thou shalt not tread there!
Whereas this side of the pond, such an opening gambit would most likely be met with, "Well...Great?! Do you know her?"
"Well yeah!! Last night, I did such and such <insert crude expletives> to her"
"Did she now? Goodness! I never thought the old badger had it in her to land such a charming and endearing gentleman such as yourself..! Good on her!" --
Sorry, I'm detracting. The point is that this retort has led to much widespread confusion and thus flummoxed many a marine. Nevertheless, undeterred they continue in their quest to put down their British counterparts.
So - "Yo Mama is <this and that>' dont do <such and such> and aint even <blah-blah>..." - You get the picture. SONG & VERSE, ALL THE WAY DOWN THE WALL using a black marker pen, till it appears to have run out.
The British response?
A red highlighter going over the graffiti - circling grammatical, punctuation, spelling and syntax errors.
I nearly had a hernia.
And on that note, I bid you all Salaam and adieu!

Edited by icforumadmin - 09 December 2008 at 11:23pm
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