need advice, marriage problems

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   Asalaam Aleikum, would like advice on a horrible situation. My husband and I are going through a separation. I didn't realize how much I love him until I'm about to loose him. I've had to be strong my whole life, having a father who wasn't always around and not having enough Islamic education that is essential. I don't listen to my husband most of the time b/c Ithink he's too strict and he doesn't ask or consult me in any matters. He just believes it's the mans right to control his family. I've had to fight with my inner being and try to listen but most of the time I fail and fight back. I know I'm wrong. I would like advice on some dua's to read and some actions to take before losing him completely. He's a good man and we have a beautiful baby boy who deserves the love and affection of both his parents. JazakAllah kher for all who answer and include me in your duas.

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Mrs. Sallah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Joined: 17 January 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mrs. Sallah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: need advice, marriage problems Posted: 17 January 2008 at 1:05pm
	Asalaam Aleikum, would like advice on a horrible situation. My husband and I are going through a separation. I didn't realize how much I love him until I'm about to loose him. I've had to be strong my whole life, having a father who wasn't always around and not having enough Islamic education that is essential. I don't listen to my husband most of the time b/c Ithink he's too strict and he doesn't ask or consult me in any matters. He just believes it's the mans right to control his family. I've had to fight with my inner being and try to listen but most of the time I fail and fight back. I know I'm wrong. I would like advice on some dua's to read and some actions to take before losing him completely. He's a good man and we have a beautiful baby boy who deserves the love and affection of both his parents. JazakAllah kher for all who answer and include me in your duas.

andara Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 17 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 7	Post Options Post Reply Quote andara Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 January 2008 at 1:14pm
	Both of you have to talk. There is no way around it. It is awkward I know. Try talking to his parents (mother especially). The same thing to him, ask him to talk to your mother when there is an issue between you two. This is assuming you can get objective opinions from both parents. You have to give in a little. You have to prioritize by putting Allah as number one. Man has ego. He wants to be pleasured. It is OK to give in as long as he is still in the path of Allah.

Mrs. Sallah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Joined: 17 January 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mrs. Sallah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 January 2008 at 8:56pm
	Jazakallah kher. Your advice means alot, I will try my best to communicate with him and his family (his parents are both deceased). To try and save our marriage I think that If I try to show him that now I'm willing to change Allah swt will guide me to whats best for the both of us. Please continue to keep me in your duas.

minuteman Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 March 2007 Status: Offline Points: 1642	Post Options Post Reply Quote minuteman Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 January 2008 at 3:17am
	I would stress on the last para of andara's post. One of you has to give in. It is love that helps. Not a competition. Try to do your best as a good companion, even be humble and never contradict him straightaway. When he says something, try to understand the implications and comply. Do not reject or oppose immediately. Even keeping quiet is useful. But not when it is necessary to reply. Even a smile can win back everything.

Hayfa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hayfa Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 January 2008 at 6:31am
	Salaams, Welcome. It is difficult. I ma not sure how long you have been married, typically there are struggles to develop a relationship. When you bring two people together there are alot of things that need to change. I think that effective communication is a skill. And whereas a man does may the main decisions it takes good leadership to do it all effectively. I would also say that it is important about what we are aware of what we are arguing about... Sometimes weare irritted by the way we talked too... I would say that you need to figure out why you are so focused on these things? I am not sure what it is that you are arguing about.. If a man is a good man and can tqake charge.. great. Some men are incompetent.. lol Figure out when you can discuss things.. alot of it is about timing.. As Minuteman said.. don't argue. Give things time.
	When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Aminah07 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 17 March 2007 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 219	Post Options Post Reply Quote Aminah07 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 January 2008 at 8:39am
	ASA Sr, I think if you want to both live an Islamic lifestyle and raise your new little blessing in an Islamic home than it will be important to set things straight. Both of you are going to have to compromise. Also you mentioned lack of Islamic knowledge on your part. If your husband is more knowledgable than it is a duty and honor for him to undertake and help you with your education. You might consider seeking out a Islamic family counselor if both of you are willing to go and participate. In the Quran' it suggests getting a member from each others family together and trying to resolve issues if possible. Prophet Muhammad(pbuh) was very much in charge of his household but he was fair and just with all of his wives. The Sunnah and Quran' are good sources to refer to for help. The term "strict" can have serveral meanings. If a muslim is living an Islamic life observing the tenants of faith than we are all strict we pray on time we fast we give zakat we study to learn our Deen Insha'Allah we make Hajj etc. If your husband is behaving in a violent or dangerous way to you or your sons health and well being that goes beyond what I would classify as "strict" and I would advise you if this is the case to seek outside help. Sr. Hayfa helps women all of the time if you don't wish to speak with her on this thread you could pm her.

Mrs. Sallah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Joined: 17 January 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mrs. Sallah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 January 2008 at 7:22pm
	Asalaam Aleikum, Jazakallah kher for all your advice, may Allah forgive our sins and give us the highest ranks in Jannah. I followed the advice and asked my mother to speak with his elder brother, since his parents are deceased. Inshallah Kher. When I mentioned that my husband can be strict, it's basically things like, don't open the curtains, don't speak to men that aren't related(even the super, or any male for that matter). It's his right but we live alone and sometimes the sink is leaking or other problems and he's at work all day. That's only when he suits him because he had us living with his cousin for 3 months and would be gone all day leaving me with him. I honestly believe that Allah sometimes puts us through things we see as punishments, but are actually meant to cleanse us. Inshallah Kher and once again thanks

Aminah07 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 17 March 2007 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 219	Post Options Post Reply Quote Aminah07 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 20 January 2008 at 4:27am
	WAS Sr. Insha'Allah it sounds like you will be able to make some compromises. His requests are valid but you are not living in an Islamic country where everyone follows a certain way of doing things. One solution I can think of is if the super needs to come in the house and do a repair leave your front door open put a door stop to hold it. I don't know if there are any rulings on that type of thing but I was told by other sr's years ago when we lived in an apartment complex and I would notice their doors propped open various times and later by my husband when I asked him and he said that would be the best thing to do if he wasn't there and the manager or handyman had to come in for something. Insha'Allah Sr. Allah will bless and guide your family.