IslamiCity.org Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > General > General Discussion
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - First Wife in Polygamy  What is Islam What is Islam  Donate Donate
  FAQ FAQ  Quran Search Quran Search  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

First Wife in Polygamy
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 678910 11>
Author
Message
  Topic Search Topic Search  Topic Options Topic Options
Shasta'sAunt View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member

Female
Joined: 29 March 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 1930 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shasta'sAunt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 10:06am
Originally posted by Saladin Saladin wrote:

Saudi Polygyny .... taken from The New York Times -
 
Published: April 23, 2006
 
 
....Strained relations with the United States since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks have also pushed Saudi interests toward China, where businessmen can travel without waiting months for a visa, as they do to visit the United States, said Omar Bahlaiwa, secretary general for the Committee for International Trade, a branch of the Saudi Chambers of Commerce.
 
....China's growing technological and military prowess only adds to the interest. That avenue was opened in the late 1980's, when China supplied Saudi Arabia with intermediate-range ballistic missiles. Now, if the United States balks at offering modern weaponry to the Saudis, China would again be a logical source.

....Yet Saudis are quick to note that China's gain is not necessarily America's loss. China cannot provide the security guarantees that the United States has to most of the countries in the Persian Gulf. In that light, the idea that Saudi Arabia would turn entirely to China can also be seen as a bit of political stagecraft.

"We are in a Catholic marriage with America," Mr. Bahlaiwa said, emphasizing that divorce is unthinkable. "But we are also Muslims � we can have more than one wife."

     -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
No wonder the US has issues - First Wife Syndrome! LOL
 
 
 
LOLLOLLOL
�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
Back to Top
Pati View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar
Female
Joined: 10 April 2009
Location: Spain
Status: Offline
Points: 304 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Pati Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 12:48pm
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

I think he's still single. LOL
 
Most women who convert and of course desire to marry, must obtain a wali, usually the Imam or someone who he appoints, to represent her and give her away, as a legal requisite according to Islamic law.  I was once asks to represent one such sister fifteen minutes before she was to marry.  I personally knew the brother, who had two other wives, and began advising her of the difficulties of plural marriage.  She looked at me amazed and said, 'he has another wife?'  Uh, yeah... two of them....you didn't know that, I said.  She responded that she didn't, but to my complete surprise; it didn't make any difference.  The marriage went forward. 
 
I do believe that our sisters often use emotions as a source of reason instead of intellect, and I know for a fact that men are baaaaaaaad!!!!
 
Unfortunately, the human being is most of the times governed by the emotions, as you said. Did you know anything else about that woman who married someone already married with other two ladies? It would be very good fot the thread to know about her life now Wink
 
And I don't think that men are bad, it is just that they/you don't feel the emotions as deep as we, as women, do, so most of the times when they are hurting us, they didn't mean to do, it was just that they didn't realize it was going to hurt us. Sure about the multiple wives is a different question, it's just about men who are selfish (personal opinion, sorry) and don't realize that the situation can be bad for the first wife, or for both (or all of them, in case he has more than 2!! Really, it sounds so strange to have more than two!!! Confused ).
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
Back to Top
martha View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 30 October 2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1140 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote martha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 2:15pm
[QUOTE=abuayisha]Martha I've noticed here in the United States Muslim men from countries other than wealthy Gulf States (Saudi, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman, and UAE) simply marry for citizenship.  Many enter into these marriages with intentions of future marriages from their home country.  Women should be especially cautious when marrying someone who does not have legal status in Western countries and are from poor Muslim countries (Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, North Africa, West Africa, Pakistan, Jordan, etc.).[/QUOTE]
 
 
Yes, you are absolutely right. But it is extremely hard to distinguish between an honourable muslim and a deceiver. I learnt the hard way...I am generally very trusting by nature...and had no reason to disbelieve his intentions. Only after marriage did I learn he was not legal in the UK. I was already a revert, alone in the big city  when I met him...and actually he had a duty to guide me, not use me. We live and learn. He is still not 'legal' as I cancelled my support for his Indef Leave to Remain in UK. I have no idea what will happen to him, but he uses everyone.
It is very sad really...he is a poor specimen and gives his Pakistani people a bad name. It is all too common here.
My intention is to stear clear of ALL men in the future. Which is very sad as not all men can be tarred with the same brush.
I was brave to make a stand against him...many women would not perhaps. He was MOST surprised I can assure you when I started divorce proceedings. His pride was certainly dented, lol.
 
Gulliver:- thanks for your kind words:) It is much appreciated :)
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
Back to Top
Gulliver View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 12 September 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 621 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gulliver Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 2:43pm
 
Nothing wrong in your capacity to trust, be a good trusting human being, Martha. That he could not be trusted, is his problem, not yours. Well not any longer. Don't let him rob you of your faith in yourself, your capacity to trust youself, your judgements and decisions, instincts of other people.  To trust again.  Just take your time and learn from this one. A hard lesson.  I know. I learned a very hard lesson that way too.   He sounds like a sleaze ball. You did right to kick him to the kerb. He's not the only one out to 'use everybody.'  But what goes around comes around.
 
As the song says, "One day" your "prince will come............. "   Pity you have to kiss a pit full of frogs first.  Ah well, c'est la guerre ;-)
Back to Top
martha View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 30 October 2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1140 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote martha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 2:48pm

I'm just so glad Gulliver that I am almost over this sorry episode. I actually feel as if I can look forward to the future again. I am no longer burdened by him....and that is FANTASTIC!! He will one day get his reward, lol.

some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
Back to Top
Gulliver View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 12 September 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 621 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gulliver Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 2:58pm
His reward.
 
Trust me.       Revenge........    a dish, best served very cold.
 
Find out where he does his shopping, and put haram cyanide in his halal chicken  
 
Mwah   ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!  ;-)
 
Yes, life does go on and we do learn to live again.  We really do have to learn to give ourselves what we imagine we can only get from others some times.  Certainly a real sense of self worth and respect.
 
 
Back to Top
Chrysalis View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 25 November 2007
Status: Offline
Points: 2033 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 June 2009 at 7:45pm
Originally posted by martha martha wrote:

 
Yes, you are absolutely right. But it is extremely hard to distinguish between an honourable muslim and a deceiver. I learnt the hard way...I am generally very trusting by nature...and had no reason to disbelieve his intentions. Only after marriage did I learn he was not legal in the UK. I was already a revert, alone in the big city  when I met him...and actually he had a duty to guide me, not use me. We live and learn. He is still not 'legal' as I cancelled my support for his Indef Leave to Remain in UK. I have no idea what will happen to him, but he uses everyone.
It is very sad really...he is a poor specimen and gives his Pakistani people a bad name. It is all too common here.
My intention is to stear clear of ALL men in the future. Which is very sad as not all men can be tarred with the same brush.
I was brave to make a stand against him...many women would not perhaps. He was MOST surprised I can assure you when I started divorce proceedings. His pride was certainly dented, lol.
 
I'm glad you divorced. You should also have reported him to the authorities if he was an illegal alien. If he still is there - maybe you should. You were indeed very brave, and I am sooo glad you took a stand. May Allah give you even more strength, to stand by your principles and not let people take advantage of you.
 
Abuaysha is correct when he says a lot of such men are from the developing countries he mentioned. It is unfortunately true.
 
Maybe we should make a warning thread - and sisters who have had unfortunate experiences should develop a profile of such 'men'. A lot of nonmuslim sisters come on this forum after a relationship with a muslim man.  
 
Some warning signs I can think of: (in no particular order)
  • Is he too good to be true? All flowery words? A devout Muslim man will never make exaggerated gestures of actions he cannot follow up - and will put money where his mouth is.
  • Too much flattery, especially after a few meetings. Such men try to win women by praising and flattering them unneccassarily.
  • UNEMPLOYED! Warning sign. RUN! A devout Muslim man will have some semblance of responsibility - and will make an effort to maintain his household. Efforts should be visible - not claims (Oh, I have been looking for a job, no luck)
  • EMOTIONAL CRAP. Dont fall for emotional blackmail - i.e. my previous wife died, was bad, now I am so lonely. I have kids, who need a mom. I have been waiting for a woman like you.
  • Follows Unislamic practises: This should have been #1. But if he is all talk, and doesnt practise his religion - he is bieng hypocritical. Muslim men you meet at unislamic places like bars, clubs etc are a huge NO. (For nonmuslim sisters, since muslim sisters shouldnt be there in the first place! hehe) If he drinks - NO. If he is willing to date you, flirts with you - etc, again BIG NO. Dont think you're the 'one'.  Good muslim men will ALWAYS be modest. If he is willing to date/court you . . . it is usually a clear indicator of his non-honorable intentions. He just wants a good time, and trust me, will end up marrying a girl back home from his village.
  • If there is no information about his family/friends - be suspicious. Any muslim man willing to marry you should have no qualms in introducing his family, especially female members.

There can be exceptions. I wouldnt take that risk.
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
Back to Top
martha View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 30 October 2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1140 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote martha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 June 2009 at 2:28am
The situation is still very messy. I could write a book, lol.
The divorce is progressing slowly. I lost huge amounts of money. I have reported him to the Home Office.
Six years back when we met he was working(illegally but I didnt know) He promised me marriage in Pakistan the following year, I had my shots, got my visa, but we ended up marrying here in the UK(he of course couldn't travel-again I didnt know that)
We didnt meet in a club...we actually worked in different places in the same street. I had no reason to doubt him. He seemed genuine. After marriage we went to his lawyer about his spouse visa...it was then I knew his legal status. He was told by lawyer to go home to get spouse visa there as he wouldnt stand a chance here due to his failed asylum case.
That was in the summer of 2006. It was when he was home for 6 months that he married. Since then it has been absolute hell. I have been a victim of domestic abuse...the story goes on.
Last year he started his own restuarant business. I worked along side him, using my savings.
Early this year I got non-molestation order etc to keep him away from me after upsetting incident when my 12yr old son was here.
Since then I rely on benefits, he has lied under oath in court about his 2nd wife and also told the judge I never worked or invested money in the business etc. He commits fraud like there is no tomorrow with everyone he meets, including other Pakistani's
Next month we go to court regarding the financial aspects. I hope I can get some money  back that he owes me. Like I say, huge amounts.
He gives me no money whatsoever...even complained through lawyers once when I asked for food one time at his restaurant ( this was when I was waiting for benefit money to come..I also felt as a muslim sister that I was entitled to ask for food, tho I didnt actually go inside) Yet recently my lawyer went to eat at the restaurant and my h offered him free food! lol. Hmm some bribe maybe? Or maybe muslim brothers sticking together?
I cannot afford to do khula...have no money to pay admin or Imams fees.
My h continues to run his business. He exploits his workers, employs failed asylum seekers and pays them �30day each for the 12hours work they do...they obviously cannot pay their income tax.
My h terminated our home tenancy agreement withouit my knowledge, it expires on the 29th June and asian muslim landlord wont renew tenancy.
I have a d.v worker. The police have been involved as has my local MP.
My h on one hand tells the Home Office he is successful business man,pays for his immigration lawyer fees, on the other hand he pleads poverty for our divorce matters and tries to claim legal aid.
It is all being reported.
My h has threatened to kill me...some months back he tried to bribe me so he could get his British Passport..of course he can go hang.
I get stronger every day. I ignore the bills that still come to the house in his name, despite him contacting companies and trying to get them to get money from me.
I am tired of the local muslim 'brothers' telling me my h deserves to stay in the UK. On what grounds? that he can continue to dupe everyone? He is rotten to the core.
My h does not want the divorce...says he wants to be reconciled as divorce is against his religion, lol. He doesn't want the divroce becuase he knows everything will be out in the open. And I have nothing to hide. He also tries to stall for time so he get get his legal status approved. It has nothing to do with him caring about me at all. If he cared he would not have done me so much harm and would assist me. I am still his responsibility as his muslim wife, until after divorce, and I believe until I re-marry (correct me if I am wrong please)
I was accepted as homeless due to my circumstances. I have been offered a safe secure home where my h can no longer find me. I leave here in a few days.
Hopefully then I can build a new life.
Hopefully the Home Office will send him packing.
If thats the case I will go to the airport and wave the nasty man off, waving as many flags as I can hold.
Please don;t get me wrong. I am not being nasty at all. If I REALLY felt he deserved to stay in the UK I would have no probs with that.
the truth is he is of no benefit to anyone here.
Lol, he recently told one of his workers(yes, I do still get to hear some things..) that he has lot of money in Pakistan and he wants to become a big politician! As that has now been 'said' I will have to apply to freeze his assets here...until a financial settlement has been reached.
So, he lives in an airy fairy world...one that revolves around him and his greed.
He does not follow Islamic principles...opting for some when it suits him and depending on the day's circumstances. He beileves he only has to say sorry to Allah, then his sin is forgiven.Yet I believe he lives every day in fear because he knows all his deeds will catch up with him. He  will never be contented with anything in life. He is the classic sociapath.
I have come through the worst. I no longer grieve for him. I can finally see him for what he is.
When I am settled I plan to study to be a d.v worker...there are so many abused women out there. I know the asian culture sufficiently to know that often the women get a raw deal.
The experience has left me stronger as a person, but very, very wary of muslims. Islam however continues to be the religion I once accepted some years back. But I am no longer naive to think that muslims practice it correctly. There can be no excuse from any muslim to say they don't understand it. It is our duty to learn, understand and follow it. I have got tired of listening to those that say they are not educated enough, so therefore are exempt from their bad deeds.
I have been openly honest about my situation today. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me...it doesnt work that way. I don't need anyone laughing at me either...for failing to see what might be apparent to them. Love is blind. I also had little help from the local muslim community....abuse etc is kept hush hush. Brothers are all portrayed as being 'perfect'...to keep the standing in the community on a good footing. Sisters are not often listened to. This is not the Islam I love.
Like I said before...this happens so much in the UK. I am now a statistic. I have no problem with that. Those who know me really know my strengths.  I am not sitting here crying my eyes out. But the truth needs to be told inspite of risks to myself.
I must get on...I have packing to do.
Salaams
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 678910 11>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.03
Copyright ©2001-2019 Web Wiz Ltd.