First Wife in Polygamy

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   "Those women seeking to marry an already married man are well advised to consider the admonition of 'wanting for your brother/sister that which you desire for yourself' along with understanding the hurt it will undoubtedly cause the first wife, and even lead to destroying her marriage."  
Brother, I think in most cases it is the man seeking to marry another wife. I have never met a Muslim woman who intentionally set out to become a second wife, but I have met Muslim men who were seeking multiple wives. 
In fact, in one of the "weirder" cases I've come across there was a Brother here who wanted to marry, but would only marry four at the same time, and he wanted them to all know each other. I think he's still single. 

I also had an acquaintance here whose husband had secretly "married" two non-Muslim women and when she found out and wanted to divorce him he took their two boys and sent them back to Jordan, using them to basically control her.  

The most heartbreaking was a friend whose husband took a second wife and came home in the middle of the night with the second wife and kicked my friend and her daughter out of their home. Literally. They were living in Saudi Arabia where her husband was working. He gave her two plane tickets back to Jordan. She wasn't even allowed to take any belongings with her. Then, once she got back to her family in Jordan, he wouldn't divorce her. They had lived in the U.S. before and she had her Green Card, so she came back here with her daughter and the courts here granted her a divorce on the grounds of abandonment, but it took 4 years, during which he was threatening to come get her daughter. 

I honestly don't think any woman purposely sets out to be in this type of situation. Men are baaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!

Edited by Shasta'sAunt - 15 June 2009 at 10:35am

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Shasta'sAunt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930	Post Options Post Reply Quote Shasta'sAunt Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 10:35am
	"Those women seeking to marry an already married man are well advised to consider the admonition of 'wanting for your brother/sister that which you desire for yourself' along with understanding the hurt it will undoubtedly cause the first wife, and even lead to destroying her marriage." Brother, I think in most cases it is the man seeking to marry another wife. I have never met a Muslim woman who intentionally set out to become a second wife, but I have met Muslim men who were seeking multiple wives. In fact, in one of the "weirder" cases I've come across there was a Brother here who wanted to marry, but would only marry four at the same time, and he wanted them to all know each other. I think he's still single. I also had an acquaintance here whose husband had secretly "married" two non-Muslim women and when she found out and wanted to divorce him he took their two boys and sent them back to Jordan, using them to basically control her. The most heartbreaking was a friend whose husband took a second wife and came home in the middle of the night with the second wife and kicked my friend and her daughter out of their home. Literally. They were living in Saudi Arabia where her husband was working. He gave her two plane tickets back to Jordan. She wasn't even allowed to take any belongings with her. Then, once she got back to her family in Jordan, he wouldn't divorce her. They had lived in the U.S. before and she had her Green Card, so she came back here with her daughter and the courts here granted her a divorce on the grounds of abandonment, but it took 4 years, during which he was threatening to come get her daughter. I honestly don't think any woman purposely sets out to be in this type of situation. Men are baaaaaaaaaaad!!!!! Edited by Shasta'sAunt - 15 June 2009 at 10:35am
	�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 2:48pm
	I think he's still single. Most women who convert and of course desire to marry, must obtain a wali, usually the Imam or someone who he appoints, to represent her and give her away, as a legal requisite according to Islamic law. I was once asks to represent one such sister fifteen minutes before she was to marry. I personally knew the brother, who had two other wives, and began advising her of the difficulties of plural marriage. She looked at me amazed and said, 'he has another wife?' Uh, yeah... two of them....you didn't know that, I said. She responded that she didn't, but to my complete surprise; it didn't make any difference. The marriage went forward. I do believe that our sisters often use emotions as a source of reason instead of intellect, and I know for a fact that men are baaaaaaaad!!!!

Gulliver Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 12 September 2008 Status: Offline Points: 621	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gulliver Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 3:43pm
	Abuayisha, you should have slapped her mouth with that bunch of fresh nettles, and brought her to her senses. "love is blind" eh. ;-) Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars....... and, the truth is out there on the planet Nibiru :-) Those guys who do that - the one who did that to your friend Shasta, and those two other women. Could they not prescribe one of those cow prods in Sharia ? You know one of those things delivers a real strong electric shock right where it's needed. And let the betrayed woman deliver it. And some here thought I was all about love, love, love... LOL I have little tolerance for that kind of melarky. Good kick in the puddins and a cow prod in the goolies. If that didn't sort it. Push a mountain on top of 'em. Durty bastes !

martha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 30 October 2007 Status: Offline Points: 1140	Post Options Post Reply Quote martha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 4:14pm
	I have been following this thread with some interest. I was a 1st wife, and worked hard to support my husband He then chose to marry another back home. We had been married 2 years by that stage. I was not consulted before that 2nd marriage. As a muslim he would have understood that was necessary. As he is Pakistani he would also have known he needed my written permision, (as Chrysalis rightly pointed out). Either way you look at it he was at fault. IMHO he messed up big time. Hmm.. omission is a sin, right? Even after the truth came out he COULD have made it easier on himself and me...but he buried his head in the sand( I don't even think #2 knew about me) and he went from 1 wife to another. But that is all water under the bridge now and I am moving on....without any of them. Would I be a 1st wife again? NO. Would I be a 2nd wife given the option? NO For the main I believe there is more unhappiness in polygany than happiness. And I would say that the biggest part of the unhappiness is brought about by the men who for selfish reasons want an 'extra' wife. At the end of the day it is not about the number of wives a man has, it's about how he treats them. If he has to lie about how many wives he has then he really doesnt deserve any at all. Most women can accept polygany if men are open and fair. I certainly tried very hard. But it was his deceit etc that killed our marriage, not the knowledge of the 2nd wife.
	some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set

Gulliver Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 12 September 2008 Status: Offline Points: 621	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gulliver Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 4:37pm
	Sorry to hear about your experience Martha. I think it is very much about trust, and respect - whatever else in the relationship. Betrayal is a terrible, devastating thing for any human being. Good luck and God bless you.

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2009 at 7:12pm
	Martha I've noticed here in the United States Muslim men from countries other than wealthy Gulf States (Saudi, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman, and UAE) simply marry for citizenship. Many enter into these marriages with intentions of future marriages from their home country. Women should be especially cautious when marrying someone who does not have legal status in Western countries and are from poor Muslim countries (Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, North Africa, West Africa, Pakistan, Jordan, etc.).

Saladin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Male Joined: 04 September 2007 Location: Sri Lanka Status: Offline Points: 575	Post Options Post Reply Quote Saladin Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 June 2009 at 3:57am
	Saudi Polygyny .... taken from The New York Times - By HASSAN M. FATTAH Published: April 23, 2006 ....Strained relations with the United States since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks have also pushed Saudi interests toward China, where businessmen can travel without waiting months for a visa, as they do to visit the United States, said Omar Bahlaiwa, secretary general for the Committee for International Trade, a branch of the Saudi Chambers of Commerce. ....China's growing technological and military prowess only adds to the interest. That avenue was opened in the late 1980's, when China supplied Saudi Arabia with intermediate-range ballistic missiles. Now, if the United States balks at offering modern weaponry to the Saudis, China would again be a logical source. ....Yet Saudis are quick to note that China's gain is not necessarily America's loss. China cannot provide the security guarantees that the United States has to most of the countries in the Persian Gulf. In that light, the idea that Saudi Arabia would turn entirely to China can also be seen as a bit of political stagecraft. "We are in a Catholic marriage with America," Mr. Bahlaiwa said, emphasizing that divorce is unthinkable. "But we are also Muslims � we can have more than one wife." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- No wonder the US has issues - First Wife Syndrome!
	'Trust everyone but not the devil in them'

Gulliver Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 12 September 2008 Status: Offline Points: 621	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gulliver Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 June 2009 at 4:24am
	No Sal, it's a first husband syndrome. Get with it, the 21st century. Was a legally 'gay' marriage. ;-) Gonna get stoned now. lol