How to deal with difficult MIL

Lameese-  Mabrook!  Congrats on your little girl :)  Unfortunately he has stated a million times to her how our situation has been and she refuses to accept it.  She says if he really cared he would find a way.  And in fact she doesnt believe what he tells her most of the time...she told him she wants to see his offer letter from his new job so she can see what his salary is because she doesnt believe him.

Well sisters, my husband doesnt want to sit down and talk to his mother about his feelings because he says she just blows up on him and it makes the problem a million times worse.  But I think this lack of communication is part of the problem...how is she supposed to know how she is making him feel if he never tells her?  He is just trying to ignore things, but I see him suffering.  She just doesnt act like a mother, unfortunately. 

The last time he visited with her last fall, she spent a lot of time telling him lies about me...for example when he asked her why she was spending so much on face creams (when she says she doesnt have money), her response was that the last time she and I were shopping together I, his wife, did the same thing.  It is a totally made up story she told him...a complete lie.  She also told him that she bought me a pair of sunglasses and I never thanked her...I bought the sunglasses, she didnt.  She accuses me of taking money from my husband and sending it to my parents..which has never happened.  These kinds of things are just MINOR examples of what she has said to my husband.  Its so shocking!  And its not like shes old and doesnt remember...shes only in her 50's.  She has malicious intentions against me and it makes me feel very sad.  I never did anything bad to her to deserve this...all I did was marry her son and I guess thats enough for her.

At this point, my in-laws are not speaking due to their own problems, but my father in law is still supporting his wife even though she doesnt talk to him.  She is putting my husband in the middle and telling him to lie to his father about certain things so that her husband will send her more money.  She has been traveling between the US and middle east and her husband doesnt even know.  My father in law gave her the money to pay off her $5000 credit card (the eye surgery one I mentioned before) and she kept the money and is making her son pay the bill instead (she never told him she got the money for it, he found out from his dad).  Its really horrible.  There is no honesty.  What is my husband to do?  When he refuses to lie or questions anything she does, she goes hysterical and accuses him of abandoning her and tells him what a great sin it is to not stand up with his mother.  She has said some pretty hateful things to him in anger, like she hopes he fails at his job, that she wishes she never had a son because daughters will always be closer to their mother, she has called both of us very bad names during their conversations, etc, etc.  As bad as all this sounds, its actually worse!

It will interesting to see if she changes at all when her grand daughter is born.  I am not expecting it.  If I ever see her again, I really want to sit down and talk to her about how she has hurt me, but my husband keeps telling me that she will never understand, so dont bother.  I just dont know what to do...it causes my husband so much stress and I hate seeing him like that.  He is always upset after he speaks to her.  Ive asked him not to talk to me about her because its not my business, but he brings her up anyway because he has no one else to talk to about it.  How do we get out of this dilemma?

Thank you sisters for the idea about the registry :)

Jazakallahkhair

The problem with that is you have to give your name and for us to get it we would have to know her name. It would be better if she could do that for herself, get a copy, take her name off of it and scan it and send it to us, so we know what she needs.

I feel so bad for you. I think his mother has never had to work and is very spoiled and has a misguided view of how things are in the USA and in life in general. Your husband is going to have to be honest with her and pretty frank. I do not think trying to talk to her nice or being kind and explaining will help. I think he needs to state how you are living at this time. That he was out of work and is just now getting back on his feet and that you had to use the money you saved for your wonderful daughter just to make ends meet. I think he needs to let her know firmly but kindly how life  is for the both of you right now. Then someone needs to explain to her that spending $250 on face cream is OUTRAGEOUS! She needs to grow up a little and see how the majority of people live.  You cannot be the one to do this because this is not your mother and she is not respecting you at all. Your husband also needs to put his foot down about you being his wife and she has to respect you, period. You are carrying her grandchild.

Also, I just had my own little girl 8 weeks ago. His sister wanting to come and live with you is absurd! It is hard enough to have to be pregnant, give birth and then adjust for the first month. He needs to tell his sister that there is no way for you all to have them come and stay with you right now. It just isn't possible. Please do not let her come. My birth mother came to "help" me because I had a C-Section. I ended up waiting on her hand and foot while she was here. It made my life with my new baby hell! Do not let anyone come until well after you are recovered and can bond and spend time with your precious daughter. This is you and your husbands time, no one elses. His sister has a husband, let him take care of her, that is HIS job not your husbands.

After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.

God help you,

Lameese

Asalamu Alaikum

God bless you for being so kind Angela.  Unfortunately we dont even have an address at this time, until we move into the house in about a month or so.  I really appreciate your kindness, its such a giving gesture :)

I keep telling my husband he should be proud of himself for coming such a long way without any help from his parents (they didnt even have to pay for his college since he had a scholarship).  Everything we have is from our own money we both made by working hard.  I wish his sisters would be more fair in all of this, but they have never had to lift a finger to do anything- and they are afraid to tell their mother when she is wrong...but being respectful to your mother shouldnt mean you have to always stay quiet when she does things that are very wrong. 

One of them came to live in the US with her husband, chose to live in CA of all places (her husband didnt have a job there to go to, they just wanted to live there even though its unbelievably expensive), had a baby, and they are still being supported by their parents.  They are both college grads and should be able to support themselves after 4 years of marriage.  Now two years after their move they are complaining that they want to move out of CA because its so expensive...even though we advised them against living there in the first place.  They had told us recently they want to come stay with us until they get settled here in the city we live in...with no regards to the fact we dont even have a home yet, and that they are choosing to come at a very hectic time with us moving and having a new baby... and my parents are already coming to visit and help when the baby is born.  My SIL hadn't called me in ages and ages, then suddenly calls out of the blue and wants advice on where to live over here...does she think Im stupid?  Why do they only call me when they need something??  The same thing happened when they initially moved to the US...they came and lived with us for a few months, we helped them tremendously in everything they had to do, then we moved away to Saudi Arabia and I never heard from my SILs...they never even called me to see how Im adjusting to Saudi.  I even taught my SIL how to run her own home based business which is what she wanted, got her all set up and everything...and she basically did a couple of days worth of work and stopped.  Last year I had three surgeries, one of them back surgery, and a miscarriage, and no one called me to see how I am doing.  It's so frustrating for us- my husband feels they are very spoiled.  Still Ive been nice to them, even though I feel like screaming sometimes- I just hold it in.  Am I wrong to be so upset?  I keep saying to my husband,  lets just concentrate on our happiness, our new baby, and our life together that we built all by ourselves.  Sorry, but I just feel like venting today.  I needed to let it out to someone because I feel like out of respect I have to hold all of my frustration in.  I pray that God can give me the ability to get over this bitterness I feel.