Questions Unanswered

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   Well first off I have to admit I am NOT Islamic, but I do want to know more. I recently have become involved with a young man who is. Unfortunalty he's having a hard time explaining to me his general beliefs (those of his religiion like why he doesn't eat pork). Those I'm trying to learn reading different things I have found online. There are few more specific things that have me worried. I hoping maybe someone here will give me the answers I seek.
Here's what I do know or at least whats he's told me.
At the end of 2004 he went to his father's home country, to find make the finial arrangements to an arranged marriage his father wanted him to accept. He agreed to the marriage. He's telling me that he's not married and has never lived with her or spoken to her but that one time he went. Now he's saying he doesn't want to marry her and his not bringing her to the states. (all this was going on before he meet me) He also says he's having to pay a couple thousand dollars to the girls family.
Now from what Ive read I have understood that by agreeing to marriage and signing the contract that he is married! Which is correct? Also if he is married is like I've heard the the marriage had to consumated? Also why the money? My last question for now is what will happen with his family? His brother is really upset, and I want to know why and will they really turn their backs on him? 
I really like him and I want to get to know all of him. I tried asking him these questions but I havent gotten and answer. I want to know and understand.
God Bless
Sussett

Edited by Sussett

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Sussett Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 22 January 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 7	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sussett Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: Questions Unanswered Posted: 22 January 2006 at 8:42pm
	Well first off I have to admit I am NOT Islamic, but I do want to know more. I recently have become involved with a young man who is. Unfortunalty he's having a hard time explaining to me his general beliefs (those of his religiion like why he doesn't eat pork). Those I'm trying to learn reading different things I have found online. There are few more specific things that have me worried. I hoping maybe someone here will give me the answers I seek. Here's what I do know or at least whats he's told me. At the end of 2004 he went to his father's home country, to find make the finial arrangements to an arranged marriage his father wanted him to accept. He agreed to the marriage. He's telling me that he's not married and has never lived with her or spoken to her but that one time he went. Now he's saying he doesn't want to marry her and his not bringing her to the states. (all this was going on before he meet me) He also says he's having to pay a couple thousand dollars to the girls family. Now from what Ive read I have understood that by agreeing to marriage and signing the contract that he is married! Which is correct? Also if he is married is like I've heard the the marriage had to consumated? Also why the money? My last question for now is what will happen with his family? His brother is really upset, and I want to know why and will they really turn their backs on him? I really like him and I want to get to know all of him. I tried asking him these questions but I havent gotten and answer. I want to know and understand. God Bless Sussett Edited by Sussett

J.R. Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 87	Post Options Post Reply Quote J.R. Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 January 2006 at 1:40pm
	Salaam, Well, I can tell you that the money he paid her family is called the mahr. It is an obligation that upon marriage the groom must pay an agreed upon amount of money (or some gfit) to the bride. Now, if the bride's parents hoard this money that is against Islam. This money is for the bride to do whatever she wants with it. I know marriages are often arranged by family members of the man and woman, but it is always recommended that they see each other before agreeing to marry. I know this sometimes does not happen. There are different rules of conduct for divorce if the marriage has not been consumated. I once heard a hadith (saying of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ) where a woman came to the Prophet saying she is not at all physically attracted to her husband and wants a divorce. She said that she agreed to the marriage before seeing the man. The Prophet asked her why she didn't see him before agreeing to marry. Even though the man treated his wife well and was a good Muslim, she could not stand being with him intimately. Seeing that this woman's faith was in danger, Muhammad (pbuh) said she has permission to divorce as long as she agreed to give back the muhr. I don't know if I've helped much. I'm a revert to islam and I'm still learning a lot. As always, Allah knows best. Please contact me if you have any other questions regarding Islam. Peace, J.R.
	Smile

herjihad Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 26 January 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2473	Post Options Post Reply Quote herjihad Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 January 2006 at 3:53pm
	*Bismillah,* *What country? From the village, small town, city, or big city? The answers can be generalized better with this information.* It sounds like they were officially married, but no, the opposite is true about the consumation. If the marriage was not consumated, then it is much easier for a divorce and better for both of them. *The family will be upset, and may stay upset until they die. Your boyfriend knows this. When you marry and have children, you will be dealing with this all of your lives, most likely.* *But when you marry and have children, some families relent, although some people never will.* *Your boyfriend is not behaving Islamically by doing this. And if you are intimate or close to it, that is also a huge sin for him.*
	Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.

MayPB Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 July 2005 Status: Offline Points: 75	Post Options Post Reply Quote MayPB Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 January 2006 at 5:32pm
	Smart choice to learn about the culture before you get more involved. You have an opportunity now to get to know him better and If I were you I would not engage in anything intimate. Get to know him, his friends, family and his religion discuss children, financial aspects and try to understand what he expects from a s pouse and well as what you expect from a husband. Be open to the possility that through all this you'll have to make a decision if he is well suited for you and maybe not... I would date for TWO YEARS, I mean this is the rest of your life you are talking about

Sussett Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 22 January 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 7	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sussett Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 January 2006 at 4:40pm
	All of you have mentioned that I should not become intimate with him. Just a side not that I have no intension of taking this further than the friendship we currently have. He lied to me when we first met saying that he wasn't involved with anyone. Later he told me about the marriage. I'm sorry but I hate being lied to and I told him as much from the moment i met him, so I CANNOT have anything intimate with him until I can trust him 100% once more, if ever. BUt as a friend I want to understand him better so i can offer him the moral support he's asking for. A few more Questions As for mahr that was mentioned: is that paid when they agree to the marriaged or when they divorce? Because Im being told that he's having to pay these money for the divorce. Also what does *Bismillah* mean? On a more personal note... Is wrong for me to want to walk away knowing the things that I do about his family? His father threaten to kill him. Im afraid that his father is seriouse and he'll try to hurt him or blame me for what his son has chosen to do. I really want to support my friend but I dont want to get involved with his family issues expectly if it might affect my family. I'll protect my family at all cost. Am i wrong to think like this?

Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 January 2006 at 5:31pm
	Susset, walk away dear. While you can. I hightly advise against getting involved in this situation. Tell your friend to tell his parents that he has no further contact with you and this is his own desicion. This is not a situation you want to be involved in as some cultures are very fanatic about arranging a childs marraige and become very angry if the arrangement is broken. They will hate you if you end up with him at least for many years. I would say move on, and tell him maybe you can support him by email or phone but thier is no chance of you being together. Peace
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

Abeer23 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 28 September 2005 Status: Offline Points: 493	Post Options Post Reply Quote Abeer23 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 January 2006 at 7:23pm
	Susset, the mahr (dowery) is paid before marraige. If he's paid the mahr he's most likely planning to marry her. "Bismillah" simply means "in the name of Allah" I agree with Jenni, you should really stop seeing this brother.

Angela Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 11 July 2005 Status: Offline Points: 2555	Post Options Post Reply Quote Angela Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2006 at 8:08am
	Sussett, I am Christian, raised Russian Orthodox and I married a Mormon. Interfaith marriages are often very difficult. My father's family took two years to recognize my marriage. My father in law often pretended I didn't exist until we moved to Utah to be closer to them. Now, he's distant at best, even after my conversion to the Mormon church. This is magnified 10x by the fact that you are of completely different faiths and cultures. My mother gave me a little word of wisdom years ago. If you want to know what kind of husband the son will be, look at the father. If this father is threatening to kill his son over his unwillingness to be married to this girl. What kind of ideals of marriage was this boy raised with? Will he treat you with dignity? Also, Muslim men are not supposed to mix with women who are not "Mehram" to them. Mehram means blood relations you cannot marry. Like your aunt, sister, mother, etc. So, his "friendship" with you is rather suspect as well. My advice as someone who's walked a shadow of the road your on, WALK AWAY. But, whatever you do, don't mistake all that is going on as Islam. Marriage in Islam is supposed to be an agreement between the husband and wife. Not the fathers while the children are small.