Dear Hadi,
Dear Reader,
We are very sorry to hear about what you just learned. We understand how painful this situation must be for you. We believe, and God knows best, that from an Islamic perspective, you would not be considered sinful for stopping your financial support of your husband, particularly in the circumstances you describe.
We will begin by considering what may be the main counter-argument to our opinion, and try to detail why we do not believe such an argument is valid, and why we strongly hold to our opinion above.
To account for the counter argument, it is important at the outset to distinguish between two separate issues. Under Islamic law, a Muslim man may marry more than one wife, up to four, provided that he fulfills the obligations of justice, equality and maintenance that accompany those marriages. We also believe that this allowance is stipulated on living in a country that allows polygamy; otherwise, the condition of equality is automatically not fulfilled, since only one wife can be the “legal” wife. If, for example, you live in the United States, we do not believe, and God knows best, that a second marriage would even be legitimate.
Assuming you are living in a country that allows for this, then according to the traditional majority juristic view, a husband does not require the permission of his existing wife in order for a subsequent marriage to be Islamically valid, unless there was a valid condition in the marriage contract affecting that matter. Thus, the mere fact that your husband contracted another marriage does not, by itself, mean that he committed an unlawful act simply because you did not consent to it. However, it is important to keep in mind that even if you live in a country that allows him to take another wife, this does not restrict your Islamic rights to seek an end to your marriage should you so desire.
Regardless of the validity of the second marriage, this does not resolve the very different question of how he treated you during those five years. A husband has a responsibility to provide for his wife and family according to his means. That responsibility is not ordinarily transferred to the wife simply because she is earning money or has been supporting the household. In Islam, a wife’s wealth belongs to her, and she is not generally obligated to spend it on her husband or his other household.
The Quran places the duty of financial maintenance upon the husband. God says: “Men are caretakers of women, because God has given some of them an advantage over others, and because they spend out of their wealth.” (Quran 4:34)
The Prophet also emphasized the husband’s duty toward those under his care: “It is sufficient sin for a person to neglect those whom he is responsible to maintain.” (Abu Dawud)
A wife’s own property, meanwhile, remains her property. The Quran recognizes women as independent possessors of wealth: “For men is a share of what they have earned, and for women is a share of what they have earned.” (Quran 4:32)
What makes your situation especially painful, therefore, is not simply that your husband entered into another marriage. Rather, it is that you say he concealed that marriage and the existence of his other children from you for five years, while you continued financially supporting him without knowing these very significant facts.
The fact that Islamic law may permit a second marriage without the first wife’s permission does not mean that Islam encourages dishonesty, manipulation, or the exploitation of another person’s generosity. The legal validity of a marriage and the morality of the manner in which a person conducts himself are two different questions. Deliberately deceiving one’s spouse about matters of enormous consequence can constitute a serious breach of trust. The Quran says: “O you who believe, do not betray God and the Messenger, nor knowingly betray your trusts.” (Quran 8:27)
The Prophet (pbuh) similarly strongly condemned deception: “Whoever deceives us is not one of us.” (Sahih Muslim)
This distinction is especially important in your case. Your husband may have had the Islamic legal right to enter into another marriage, assuming there was no contractual condition to the contrary. But that does not give him an Islamic right to your money. Nor does it mean that you were obligated to subsidize him while he was maintaining another household, particularly when you were doing so without knowing the true circumstances. His decision to marry another wife does not create a new financial obligation upon you. If anything, by taking on another marriage and additional children, he has undertaken additional financial responsibilities of his own.
You therefore should not assume that you are committing a sin merely because you have now decided, “I will no longer financially support him.” There is a significant difference between preventing a husband from exercising something Islamic law has permitted him to do and declining to voluntarily give him your personal wealth. There is also a significant difference between refusing to fulfill an obligation that God has placed upon you and choosing not to give your own money to someone who has deceived and betrayed you. Your husband's financial responsibilities do not simply become your responsibilities because he is unable to fulfill them.
Thus, in our opinion, even if you voluntarily supported him for many years, that generosity does not become a permanent obligation. Nor are you required to continue giving simply because you have done so in the past. The fact that your financial support may have been given while you were unaware that he had another wife and children makes your decision to reconsider that arrangement particularly understandable. Had you known the full circumstances, you might have made very different decisions about how to use your own money.
You are therefore allowed to recognize that you have been deeply wronged by the deception, to establish financial boundaries, and to decide that you will no longer use your own money to sustain him.
After your many years of marriage, you have every reason to be grieving, angry, confused, and exhausted. Seeking justice, setting boundaries, and deciding what you are willing or unwilling to continue providing are not the same thing as being cruel or sinful.
May God give you clarity, protect you from injustice, and reward you for the years of effort and sacrifice you have already made.
In peace.