Dear Hadi,
As- salaamu alkiom,
I am a divorced women who has been divorced for 10 years now. Recently, I ran into an old friend that went to undergraduate university with me. He claims he is divorced too. We both have 1 daughter who is in their young teen age and are both looking for companionship at this stage of our lives. He recently suggested a orfi marriage which I am considering due to the circumstances in I’m. I work so I’m not in need of financial support and we both are not looking to have any more kids. I don’t want to go against my rights given to me as a Muslim either. What do you suggest? What rights do I have if I go ahead with this contact? JAK.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for trusting us with your question. We certainly understand that many divorced Muslims find themselves longing for companionship after years on their own. Islam recognizes that this need is real and honorable, and there is nothing shameful about seeking marriage later in life. In fact, if you and this brother are compatible and share similar goals, there is no reason to feel that remarriage itself is somehow inappropriate.
That said, we would encourage you to distinguish between marriage and an 'urfi marriage. For our readers who may not be familiar with this term, it refers to an informal marriage that consists of a simple agreement between the couple which is taken in front of two witnesses, fulfilling the general requirements of an Islamic marriage, but the marriage is never officially recorded with civil or governmental agencies.
While there are different forms of 'urfi marriages and scholars differ over some of its details, many contemporary scholars caution against it because it often sacrifices the very protections that Allah SWT intended marriage to provide. A marriage should not merely make a relationship technically permissible; it should establish security, dignity, clarity, and rights for both spouses.
You mentioned that you are financially independent and are not looking to have more children. Those are understandable considerations, but they do not eliminate your Islamic rights. Financial support (nafaqah), a clearly defined mahr (dowry), inheritance rights (where applicable under Islamic law), public acknowledgment of the marriage, and legal protections all exist for a reason. We often do not appreciate the value of these rights until circumstances change through illness, disagreement, or death.
Before agreeing to an 'urfi arrangement, ask yourself some difficult questions. If this man truly wishes to marry you, why is there reluctance to enter into a regular, public marriage? You note that he claims he's divorced, but this is something you may certainly want to verify before proceeding. It's important to understand why an 'urfi is being considered here instead of one that is both Islamically and civilly recognized. Keep in mind that a marriage that is hidden, informal, or intentionally structured to reduce obligations can leave one spouse—often the woman—in a vulnerable position.
If the proposed ʿurfī marriage involves waiving rights such as maintenance or housing, it is worth remembering that a right is different from an obligation to exercise it. A woman may choose to forgo certain rights in particular circumstances, but she should never feel pressured to do so simply because she is divorced, financially stable, or grateful for companionship. Rights that Allah SWT has granted should be relinquished only with full understanding and genuine willingness—not because someone else prefers a less demanding arrangement.
You mention that you are working and not in need of financial support and that neither of you is looking to have more children. But what if those circumstances change? What if you lose your job? If you are still of child-bearing age, what if you do get pregnant? It is important to think beyond the present moment. How would this arrangement affect your daughter? Would she feel that your marriage is secure and honorable? Would both families know about it? If something unexpected happened to either of you, would there be unnecessary confusion or hardship?
If this man is sincere, the better course would usually be to pursue a proper nikah that fulfills the Islamic requirements, is known to family and community, and is recognized legally as well. This protects both of you and reflects the Quranic spirit of marriage as a covenant built upon tranquility, affection, and mercy—not simply a private agreement for companionship.
Also, remember that the whole notion of 'urfi marriage is really an aritificial construct that occurred after the dissolution of the Islamic umma, and the separation of civil and Islamic courts. In the classical age of Islam, there was no such thing. A marriage could not be conducted that would give the couple license to be togther, but would not bind either side (particularly the man) with legal obligations. Also, note that this construct is precisely what is often used by, for example, college students who want to be have a licesne for intimacy, and yet hide the relationship from their families.
While we acknowledge that some scholars think that 'urfi marriage is legitimate because it fulfills the conditions of an Islamic nikah ceremony, for all of the above reasons, we disagree, and side with the scholars who do not find it legitimate. Our advice, and God knows best, would be to not to enter into an 'urfi marriage simply because it appears to fit your current circumstances. Instead, have an honest conversation with him about why a standard nikah is not being considered. If there is a genuine obstacle, consult a knowledgeable and trusted local scholar who can understand your specific situation and explain exactly what rights you would retain, what rights you might be asked to waive, and the practical consequences of doing so.
May Allah SWT grant you a marriage that brings peace to your heart while preserving the dignity, protection, and rights that Islam provides.
In peace.