Dear Hadi,
Dear Reader,
Islam commands us to honor our parents, but it does not command us to ignore injustice or endure ongoing harm. These two principles often need to be held together.
The Qur'an repeatedly emphasizes kindness to parents, even when they fall short of our expectations. At the same time, it also teaches that obedience is not unconditional. If a parent commands what is wrong or causes harm, a child is not required to obey in that matter. Respect does not mean accepting mistreatment.
If your father has consistently disrespected your mother, damaged your relationship with him through his own actions, and continues to behave in ways that are harmful, it is understandable that your relationship feels fractured. A healthy relationship requires effort from both sides. Islam encourages reconciliation, but it does not place the entire burden on the one who has been hurt.
This is where many people misunderstand the concept of maintaining family ties (silat al-rahim). Maintaining ties does not necessarily mean frequent visits, long conversations, or pretending that everything is fine. The scholars have explained that the way ties are maintained depends on the circumstances. For some families, it may mean regular visits. For others, especially where there has been abuse, manipulation, or ongoing emotional harm, it may simply mean checking in occasionally, responding politely, making dua for them, visiting when it is safe and appropriate, or helping them if they genuinely need assistance.
In other words, limiting contact is not the same as cutting ties.
If every interaction with your father leaves you emotionally distressed, exposes you to verbal abuse, or disrupts your own peace and family life, it is permissible to establish healthy boundaries. Those boundaries should be set with dignity rather than spite. The goal is not punishment or revenge; it is to protect yourself while still fulfilling the minimum rights that Islam gives to parents.
At the same time, guard your own heart against allowing understandable pain to become lifelong bitterness. You may never have the father you hoped for, and he may never acknowledge the hurt he caused. Part of healing is accepting that reality while entrusting ultimate justice to Allah SWT. Forgiveness, if it comes, is a gift to your own heart, but reconciliation requires repentance and change from the person who caused the harm. The two are not the same.
Ask yourself from time to time: Have I completely abandoned him out of anger, or have I simply created necessary distance while remaining respectful? If you still return his greetings, answer him politely, check on him occasionally according to your capacity, fulfill his essential rights when appropriate, and avoid speaking of him unjustly, then you are maintaining a connection, even if it is a limited one.
Every family situation is different. If there has been serious abuse - whether physical, emotional, or psychological - you should not feel guilty for prioritizing your safety and well-being. Islam never asks a person to remain in a situation of ongoing harm simply to preserve appearances.
Continue making dua that Allah SWT rectifies your father's condition, heals your own heart, and grants you wisdom to balance compassion with healthy boundaries. Sometimes the most Islamic relationship is not the closest one, but the one that maintains respect without enabling further harm.
In peace.