Dear Hadi,
Assalamoalykum
Our son is 45 years of age, and lives at home with us. He has a good, stable job with a good income. However, other than going to his job, he just wants to spend all his time in his room. His interaction with us very limited, and he is not interested at all in spending time with extended family, or engaging in the outside world. He has no interest in getting married, taking on any responsibilities, or engaging in normal adult behavior.
We have been watching and enduring this strange behavior and we don’t know how to get him to act like a normal adult who can live a dignified, independent life, not isolated from the world. We think he has the intelligence and ability to do this, but we don’t know how to help him.
Dear Reader,
Wa alaikum assalam,
You’re dealing with something many families quietly struggle with: an adult child who is functioning in some ways (he works) but not launching socially or personally. There isn’t a lever you can pull to “make” a 45-year-old change—but you can change the environment and your expectations in a way that makes independence more likely. A few grounded points to keep in mind first: he is already demonstrating some independence (holding a job). That matters. What’s missing isn’t basic functioning—it’s motivation for social connection, marriage, or leaving home. Those are much harder to impose from the outside.
Before trying to move him, you need a clearer sense of why he’s chosen this path. Possibilities include social anxiety or discomfort in family settings, depression or low motivation, contentment with a low-demand lifestyle, past negative experiences (family or otherwise), or different values about marriage or independence. Have a calm, non-accusatory conversation. Not: “Why aren’t you moving out?” But: “Help us understand what you want your life to look like in the next 5–10 years.” If he avoids the conversation, that itself is useful information—you’re likely dealing with avoidance patterns, not just preference.
As parents, it’s reasonable to say that you want him to build a fuller life with relationships, community, and independence, and that living at home indefinitely is not your long-term plan. Frame it as your needs, not just his shortcomings: “We love you, but we don’t want to be your permanent living arrangement. We want to help you stand on your own.” This keeps the tone honest without turning it into an immediate ultimatum.
If home provides no rent, meals, laundry, and no expectations, then there is very little incentive to change. You can gradually shift this by asking for meaningful rent or financial contribution, expecting him to manage his own meals, laundry, and errands, and setting household expectations like any adult roommate. This isn’t punishment—it’s aligning his life with adulthood.
If nothing changes, you may need a clear boundary: “Within X months, we expect you to have a plan to live independently.” This should be presented not as a threat, but as a transition plan. Offer support such as helping with an apartment search, financial planning, and logistics so he knows you are still on his side.
From an Islamic and cultural perspective, marriage is important, but forcing that conversation when he’s not even socially engaged often backfires. It is better to focus first on emotional health, social functioning, and independence. Marriage tends to follow more naturally from those foundations.
His withdrawal from family gatherings and lack of engagement could point to social anxiety, depression, or certain personality traits, although introversion alone usually doesn’t cause avoidance. You might say, “We’ve noticed you seem disconnected. If something is weighing on you, we’d support you in talking to someone.” Avoid labeling him—just open the door.
This part is hard: he may choose a life that looks very different from what you envisioned. As long as he is not harming himself or others and is capable of supporting himself, your role shifts from directing his life to setting boundaries for your own. The core strategy is not to push him out, but to remove the incentives for staying stuck, increase the expectations of adulthood, and keep the relationship intact. That combination is far more effective than pressure, guilt, or repeated lectures.
In peace.