Dear Hadi,
Selam alejkum.
I wanted to ask a question — or more like ask for advice.
I am Muslim and my husband is not. He doesn’t let me pray and says that if I ever choose to pray, he might divorce me because I was not praying or very religious when he married me. But everything else, like fasting and believing in God, is okay with him. This Ramadan I am fasting and acting normal, like always. But he constantly tells me that he feels I am drifting away from him.
I just want to be a good wife, but also a good servant of Allah. He is a good man. He does nothing bad and is an example of what a man should be today.
We love each other very much, but our life has become more of a habit of being with each other rather than truly living together. I feel like I cannot fully be myself around him. I am constantly watching what I say or do so that he doesn’t get mad or think that I have done something wrong. He has accused me several times of doing something inappropriate or even cheating, even though I have not. Later, he says, “I’m sorry, I just have this fear in my heart that I am going to lose you,” and that his mind makes these things up. He is also a bit controlling — and not in a good way.
I ask Allah every night to make me a better wife and to bring us closer together, but I just feel like he is drifting further away from me — or maybe I am drifting away from him. I cannot listen to or read the Quran in front of him because he says he believes in God, just not in Islam. Every time I pray, I ask that Allah opens his heart to Islam and to me, but nothing seems to be happening.
I love him, and I can see that he loves me. But he has started to think that I have lost love for him because this month I am more focused on my peace and my iman.
What do I do? How should I react?
Thank you in advance.
Dear Reader,
We’re very sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. It is a difficult one, involving a real and painful struggle, and your patience and concern for your marriage are signs of sincerity and thoughtfulness. Also, your concern for your faith is a very commendable thing.
Your struggle between trying to practice your faith and to please your non-Muslim husband is, unfortunately, not an uncommon scenario.
It is for exactly these types of difficult circumstances that Islamic scholars believe Islam does not allow a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. That being said, you are already married and trying to navigate this situation, so we will do our best to offer you our most sincere advice for moving forward.
First, it is important to affirm something very clearly from an Islamic perspective: your relationship with God comes before any other relationship, whether it be parents, children, or spouses.
Secondly, we urge you not to abandon your prayers. In Islam, prayer (salat) is not really a personal preference, but a fundamental pillar of the faith, and an obligation upon Muslims. Your connection with God through prayer is your source of strength, clarity, and peace, and no one has the right to prevent you from praying. As the Prophet (pbuh) is reported to have said, "There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to the Creator."
Thirdly, would you and your husband be open to marital counseling? If so, we would recommend that you find a good marriage counselor. During the counseling sessions, there are several things you should raise:
- You note that your husband said you were not very religious or prayerful when you first got married. Perhaps with the counselor’s help, your husband can come to understand that people do evolve and grow throughout their lives, including during their married life, and that although you may not have been observant when you first married, your faith is becoming increasingly more important to you.
- You need to share your concerns about the restrictions he is placing upon you with regard to your practicing of Islam. A good marriage counselor should hopefully be able to help him see that not interfering with your practice of Islam is important for the health of your marriage. It is reasonable to say that your faith practices are part of who you now are, and a healthy marriage requires space for both people to live authentically.
- You note that your husband is a good man and an example of what a man should be today, but you also say that he is a bit controlling, and has wrongly accused you of inappropriate behavior, including cheating. We encourage you to delve into this with the marriage counselor because while he may be a good man in certain ways, these behaviors are not okay and need to be addressed. It is possible that his reactions are not only about religion. For example, when he says he fears losing you, it suggests that he may feel threatened by the change he sees in you and he doesn’t fully understand it. Your growing spiritual focus might make him worry that he is no longer central in your life. You can work on reassuring him that the opposite is true – that the more spiritual you become, the more you care about your marriage and your husband, since you view it as a sacred trust between you and God.
We sincerely hope that with skilled counseling, you and your husband may be able to forge a successful path forward. If that doesn’t happen, you may ultimately find yourself in a situation where you need to make a choice as to what is most important to you (both for this life and the hereafter) – your ability to freely practice your religion, or maintaining your marriage.
We are sincerely sorry that you are in this situation, and we understand that this may be stark advice. However, we do not get to choose our tests in this life, and it may be that your struggle will be choosing what to prioritize. We sincerely hope that this will not be so for you, but if it is, then we hope that you will draw strength from the Quranic reminders that in issues of marriage, God and faith come first:
“Do not marry unbelieving women, until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry your women to unbelieving men until they believe: A slave who believes is better than an unbelieving man, even though he allures you. Unbelievers beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind, that they may celebrate His praise.” (Quran 2:221).
In peace.