Dear Hadi,
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your question, and we’re truly sorry that you have been enduring verbally abuse from your mother.
Your question touches on a very real struggle. Islam commands kindness and excellence (ihsan) toward parents, but the Qur’an also recognizes limits when harm or injustice occurs. The balance in Islam is respect without enabling ill-treatment or injustice. A believer is expected to maintain dignity and kindness toward parents, but this does not mean accepting abuse or allowing oneself to be harmed.
The Qur’an clearly commands believers to treat their parents with the highest level of goodness. In Surah al-Isra, the Quran says: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you show excellence to parents. If one or both of them reach old age with you, do not even say ‘uff’ to them and do not rebuke them, but speak to them with noble words.” (Qur’an 17:23).
The verse emphasizes gentle speech and respectful conduct, especially when parents reach old age. It instructs believers not even to express irritation toward them and to address them with honorable words. This verse establishes the principle that interactions with parents should be marked by respect, patience, and dignity.
However, the Qur’an also clarifies an important point: obedience and kindness do not mean accepting wrongdoing or harm. In Surah Luqman, the Quran explains: “But if they strive to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them; but accompany them in this world with what is fair and good (ma’ruf).” (Qur’an 31:15). This verse establishes two principles operating simultaneously. First, a believer is not required to obey a parent when the parent is demanding something wrong or harmful. Second, despite this refusal, the believer must still maintain respectful and decent companionship.
The key word in this verse is maʿruf. The term refers to conduct that is recognized as good, fair, and proper. Classical scholars explained that maʿruf means behavior that is morally sound, reasonable, and balanced according to both revelation and accepted standards of fairness.
Treating parents with maʿruf therefore includes speaking politely, maintaining dignity, avoiding humiliation, and fulfilling reasonable responsibilities toward them. At the same time, the concept of maʿruf implies fairness and justice. It does not require a person to endure abuse or continuous mistreatment.
Islamic legal and ethical tradition reinforces this understanding. The Prophet (pbuh) taught the principle that there should be “neither harm nor reciprocating harm.” This principle forms an important foundation in Islamic law and ethics. It indicates that Muslims are not expected to tolerate ongoing harm in their relationships. While patience and good character are encouraged, Islam does not require a person to remain in situations where they are continually harmed.
For this reason, ihsan toward parents does not mean accepting abuse. Ihsan means excellence in character: maintaining good manners, avoiding retaliation, and responding with dignity even when a situation is painful. A person may still set reasonable boundaries to protect themselves from ongoing verbal harm. For example, if a conversation becomes abusive, it is entirely consistent with Islamic ethics to calmly withdraw from the interaction. A person may speak respectfully but firmly, expressing love and concern while also making clear that abusive speech cannot be tolerated. Responding in this way preserves respect while protecting personal dignity.
The Qur’an also reminds believers that even righteous people sometimes experienced hardship from family members. The story of Prophet Ibrahim shows him addressing his father with gentleness and respect despite rejection and hostility. In Surah Maryam he says, “O my father, indeed knowledge has come to me that has not come to you, so follow me; I will guide you to a straight path.” (Qur’an 19:43). He consistently used kind language and expressed concern for his father’s wellbeing, yet he did not accept wrongdoing or abandon the truth. His example illustrates how respect and moral boundaries can coexist.
In practical terms, maintaining companionship with what the Qur’an calls “fair and good conduct” in a difficult parental relationship may involve continuing to speak respectfully, avoiding insults, and making supplication for one’s parent while also limiting exposure to harmful speech. A believer may check on a parent’s wellbeing and fulfill reasonable duties but choose to disengage when interactions become abusive. Such actions are consistent with the Qur’anic instruction to maintain fairness and recognized goodness in the relationship.
The Quran also teaches believers to pray for their parents, saying: “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they raised me when I was small.” (Quran 17:24). Making such supplications helps maintain compassion in the heart even when the relationship is strained.
In very specific terms, what we recommend in these types of situations is a compassionate, but clear and firm approach. What might this look like? When interacting with your mother, do your best to maintain a calm, kind tone, but make it clear to her that when she verbally harasses you, you will disengage and leave until she can speak to you in a better way.
If she is need of your assistance with certain tasks e.g. grocery shopping, paying bills, etc., you should do your best to provide this assistance, but at the same time do not allow yourself to remain in her presence if she becomes verbally abusive. We hope that if she sees you will not accept that behavior, she will make some effort to change the way she communicates with you.
In peace.