Dear Hadi,
We have been married for almost 24 years. Soon after we got married, my husband told me he was in debt. Before getting married, we used to talk, but he never mentioned it. I was working full time as a developer when we got married so I had enough money saved. I paid off his debt, and sold my new SUV to make ends meet. Within a year, we bought a home and made the down payment using my savings. We moved on, but I became insecure about finances and started to become frugal.
Ten or so years later, I found out he was in debt again. He didn’t tell me, I found out about it from our loan officer. I forgave him one more time.
Recently, life has become more stressful because of 3 teenage daughters at home. We have been arguing a lot. A conversation about a purchase came up and I asked him to show me the credit card transactions. We share the same card, but I never bothered to check. He refused to show me anything. I then asked him to leave and he left the home. He didn’t check on us for 4 days. I reached out to him but he kept saying he won’t show me anything. He finally disclosed to me that he has been making purchases behind my back and has been eating out without me. I poked him a little more and 3 days later, I found out more and more. Apparently, he has been lying and hiding his finances from me for several years now.
We have 3 college accounts which I contribute to every month. He has never paid a single penny towards it. I paid off the mortgage on the house and bought both our cars on cash. He does pay the bills and buys groceries and gas.
I am so broken hearted, but I don’t know if I should try to make it work or leave him. After giving him my youth and all my money?
What should I do?
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your important question. We are really sorry for the difficult situation you are in. Based on what you’ve shared with us, it certainly seems you have done so much for your family, both financially but also by helping your husband out of his debt and forgiving him for not only his financial mismanagement but also for hiding it from you. Basically, you have gone above and beyond, and we understand your distress over what to do.
At this point, we suggest you draw a line in the sand with your husband. Specifically, we think you need to, for lack of a better term, give him an ultimatum. Tell him that a clear plan needs to be set up regarding expected contributions to the family finances, and that if there are any further issues that are hidden from you, you will leave him. Hopefully, this will be enough for him to take the situation seriously and address it responsibly.
We’re sorry if this advice sounds rather blunt, but it really does seem that you have already helped him out of his debt, forgiven him for keeping these things hidden from you, and that over the course of your 24-year marriage, it seems he has not made an effort to change.
If you don’t feel you can leave him, we suggest that, at a minimum, you keep your income and assets legally separate from his, and that you consult an attorney and/or accountant to make sure you understand how to protect yourself from being held legally liable for any debt he incurs.
We pray that this situation works out for you and your family in a peaceful and amicable way.
In peace.