Dear Hadi,
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your question. We understand you are in a difficult situation and that you want to do what is right.
In general, of course, we know that Islam views maintaining familial relationships, especially regarding one’s parents, as very important. However, we believe there are noteworthy caveats to this general rule. For example, if a parent were abusive to their child, then there is no need to maintain that relationship. From your description, it sounds like your father was neglectful, in that he made little effort to maintain a relationship with you as you grew. Given that he has recently reached out to reconnect, we do think it is important for you to give some thoughtful consideration as to how to respond.
Also, we think it may be prudent to try to ascertain what his motive is in reaching out to you. This may influence if or how much you decide to engage with him. For example, if you sense that he has genuine remorse for not being there for you during your childhood, then perhaps you would feel more inclined towards forgiveness. That often happens as people get older, and begin to take stock of their lives – perhaps this is what is happening with your father.
Overall, the best advice that we can give is that you do not make a decision about your parents the way you would other people in your life - parents are on a different scale:
“And We have enjoined upon man to treat his parents with excellence…” (Surah Al-Ahqaf, 46:15)
For example, if this were a friend or distant relative, you may feel that you can justifiably ignore them, because that is “just.” However, in Islam, parents are not treated with justice but rather with mercy. We do not ask “what is fair?” or even “what is good?” in the way we treat them, but rather we try to ask, “what is excellent?” That is a very high bar, and we know that it is difficult to meet.
Thus, as a general advice, we would suggest that yes, you should try to reconnect with your father, even though he grievously wronged and deeply hurt you. Perhaps he is now regretful and seeking to try to make amends. This approach would be more in line with verse 24 in Surah Al-Isra: “And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy…”
There are of course some scenarios where we would not encourage reconnecting with him. For example, as noted earlier, if he is abusive, or is simply reaching out to take advantage in some way, we do not see a reason to reconnect.
Do keep in mind that reconnecting with your father does not have to take an “all or nothing” approach. You can maintain some small measure of contact so as not to have cut him off. For example, if it is too emotionally difficult for you to reconnect with him in person, you could reconnect by phone, text, email etc.… This would give you a measure of distance and control over the relationship.
We hope this helps and we hope you find some peace in moving forward.