How do I deal with low libido?

Dear Hadi,

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question.  We know these are not easy things to discuss and we’re glad you raised your question here.

Let’s take your question in two parts. First, we’ll look at the hadith, and then we’ll address the second part of your question.

With regard to the hadith you mentioned, it is narrated by Abu Huraira and is found in Sahih al-Bukhari, and in summary says that if a wife refuses her husband’s request for sexual relations, the angels will curse her until morning.  In other versions, the angels are said to curse her until the husband is no longer upset with her.  We believe it is important to note that there are some scholars, such as Dr. Khaled Abou El Fadl, who view this hadith, as well as others involving a wife’s obedience and submission to her husband, as suspect.  Dr. Abou El Fadl, in his book Speaking in God’s Name, states with regard to these hadiths, “… the evidence suggests that they cannot be relied upon because we cannot conclusively assert that the Prophet played the primary role in the authorial enterprise that produced them.”  Additionally, he goes on to explain that these sorts of hadith are not aligned with the Quranic discussion of marriage, specifically Quran 30:21 which says, “And among God’s signs is that He has created mates for you from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them and He has created love and compassion between you.”  We are inclined to agree with Dr. El Fadl’s analysis of this hadith. 

That being said, marriage is a commitment made by both husband and wife that involves love, compassion, kindness, and a willingness to put forth the effort to make each other happy.  One aspect of this is having a healthy and fulfilling sexual life for both partners.  Assuming there are no known underlying medical illnesses or underlying marital troubles, we would encourage you to talk with your husband about your concerns and to work together to find a solution that satisfies you both.  Your suggestion of taking melatonin or just “zoning out” is certainly one way to go but quite honestly, this doesn’t sound like it would be satisfying to you or your husband.  Perhaps before choosing that option, we would suggest trying some other options.  For example, instead of taking something to help you zone out and just go through the motions, why not talk to your doctor about something that might actually increase your libido?  Low libido is actually a common concern for women and can be caused by a variety of factors, including hormonal imbalances, medical conditions, and stress.  Perhaps talking with your doctor to explore some of these issues would help, especially if a hormonal imbalance is involved.  Additionally, certain lifestyle modifications such as regular exercise, stress management, getting enough sleep, improving your diet, could all have an impact and could help.  Alternatively, is there something in your relationship that can improved that would help increase your desire?  For example, would intimacy beyond sex help (e.g. date nights, cuddling, kissing, massaging, foreplay)? 

Aside from talking to your doctor to check whether there is a physiological cause for low libido (once again, not uncommon), let us give some concrete advice.  You need to find a common ground that will satisfy both you and your husband.  It is common for there to be differences in libido between men and women, so a compromise is often needed.  That means a solution which may not be optimal for either of you, but will be satisfactory to both of you.  Our suggestion for doing that is that you should both try to benchmark yourselves to the “average,” and be satisfied with that while you try to improve the situation.  That is difficult to do, because it is very hard to find “average” data on how often married couples have sex, as this varies widely among couples.  You can internet search the topic for yourself, but some reasonable numbers are that the median frequency is once per week or slightly more often, with wide variation.  How does this help?  Well, if your husband wants to have sex every night that you are not menstruating, and expects you to be an active enthusiastic participant, you can let him know that this is too much for you, and that his expectations (as per data from other couples) are not reasonable.  On the other hand, if you want to have sex only a couple of times a month and have trouble being passionate even at that frequency, then you may need to change your outlook, since it is reasonable for your husband to expect more of a sex life in your marriage. 

The bottom line is, yes you could try the melatonin and zoning out, but we really don’t think that is a good long-term solution.  Instead, we encourage you and your husband to engage in open communication, and we encourage you to talk with your healthcare provider to explore other options that could increase your libido and make your sex life with your husband more enjoyable for you both.

In peace.