Dear Hadi

Dear Hadi,

Assalamu alaikum. I'm a 22 year old woman, in my first year of university. I have been in a relationship for about two years. We have not been intimate but we are basically dating. He is two years older than me and one year ahead of me in school. My parents also like him very much, but they will not allow us to marry now. They say he doesn’t yet have a stable income, and they won’t let me marry until after graduating. My question is, can I do a nikah with some of my friends? This wouldn’t be for the purpose of intimacy but rather just to continue our dating relationship without feeling guilty. Is it ok to do this nikah without my parents’ permission since I know they’ll be ok with it after we’ve graduated, in about 4 years?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for trusting us with your question. We understand this situation is causing you stress and that you’re trying to do the right thing.

For a nikah (marriage) to be valid, most Islamic scholars believe there should be: witnesses, an agreed-upon mahr (dowry), and consent from the bride-to-be’s wali (guardian). However, please note that the Hanafi school of thought does not necessarily require consent from the wali in order for the marriage to be valid.

Let’s take a closer look at a couple of these factors. We believe that the purpose of requiring witnesses is so that the marriage is made public, i.e. so that the bride and groom are known to their community and the outside world as being married. While your Muslim friends could serve as witnesses, keeping the marriage a secret from your parents and presumably anyone beyond your friends who served as witnesses, would go against the spirit of being publicly perceived as married. We strongly advise against doing this.

With regard to the consent of your wali, typically your father, unless you subscribe to the Hanafi school of thought, the other major schools of thought would not find it acceptable that your father’s consent has not been sought. Even if we disagreed with this, we could not, in good conscience, encourage you to proceed with a nikah that you keep secret from your parents.

Given that, let’s talk about your parents for a moment. In a previous answer to a similar question, we said that while we generally believe that parents have the best interests of their children in mind, parents can often be unduly influenced by cultural customs. Personally, we believe that if two young Muslims feel they have found in each other a partner with whom they want to share the rest of their lives, their parents should do what they can to facilitate their children’s marriage, rather than risking that the relationship proceeds in a prohibited manner. Presumably, your parents are supporting you financially and the young man’s parents are supporting him. We see no reason for both sets of parents to not pool this support in order to help the two of you get married as you continue your studies and start a married life together.

We would recommend that you reach out to a local imam or family member whose views align with yours and ask them to help you talk with your parents, reminding them that one of the greatest responsibilities that Allah SWT will question parents about, and which they are obligated towards their children, especially daughters, is facilitating their marriage. Delaying it for an illegitimate reason may actually amount to non-compliance with the command of Allah Almighty: And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. [Quran 24:32]. Various commentators have said that this verse urges guardians to facilitate the marriage of their daughters and not to leave them single as this is more chaste for them.

We hope this helps and we wish you the best.

In peace.

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