Is an Online Relationship Haram?

Dear Hadi,

Dear Reader,

Thank you very much for your question.

As opposed to many of the questions we get here, we believe (and Allah SWT knows best) that yours is relatively straightforward.  In principle, there is nothing haram about the relationship that you are describing.

Any medium, whether written letter, telephone, video calls, or in person meetings, can, of course, be used for haram purposes. However, if the substance of the conversation does not involve lewdness, and does not lead to the haram, then the simple fact of you talking to a young man, whether by text, telephone, or video chat (as long as modesty is observed) should be just fine , but acknowledge that your relationship will require some vigilance and careful handling.  

Other than the obvious restrictions on touching, kissing, and more serious sexual sins between unmarried couples, the general restriction between men and women in Islam is known as khulwah (sometimes also spelled khulwa or khalwa).  The technical definition of khulwah is a where a man and a woman, who are not mahram (family members who are legally forbidden to marry), are together in a place where they can be alone and have privacy, without the presence of others who could intervene or witness their interactions.  Khulwah is restricted because it is both a temptation to, and a significant opportunity for, sin.  

This ruling is based on hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) such as:  “No man should be alone with a woman unless there is a mahram present.” Narrated by al-Bukhari and Muslim

Your interactions do not fall under this category, and so we believe that they are not haram.

That being said, we have to acknowledge that our opinion is by no means unanimous. For example, the website “Islam Question and Answer” in answering the question “Does chatting between the sexes on social media sites come under the heading of khulwah that is forbidden?” takes the view that while social media chats do not fall under the physical definition of khulwah, they are still not allowed:  “If a man talks to a non-mahram woman in a private chat on social media websites – even if it does not come under the heading of the khulwah discussed by the fuqaha’ – this is still a means that leads to fitnah (temptation) and mischief, so it is disallowed for that reason.”

We do not fully agree with that opinion, and Allah SWT knows best.  In an article published in the Saudi Gazette in 2014, the author voiced the opinion that “some scholars exaggerate the meaning of khulwa…”

In that article, the author states:  “Scholars who lived hundreds of years ago defined it as a state when two unrelated members of the opposite sex meet in a place where they can have privacy and know for sure that they will not be interrupted and are certain that no one knows their whereabouts. So, if the two can do whatever they want without having to worry that someone will catch them or see them, it is khulwa. However, if they feel that someone might catch them or barge into the room where they are sitting without knocking, then it is not khulwa. For it to be khulwa, the scholars said the doors should be closed and the curtains should be drawn.”

We lean more toward this opinion.  If you are not physically alone together, then there should be nothing wrong with an online relationship so long as Islamic etiquette and manners are observed.  What we mean by that is that whether by text, telephone, etc., the hadith of the Prophet (pbuh) should be carefully heeded:  “Indeed, no man is alone with a woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present” narrated by at-Tirmidhi.

Therefore, as long as you are on guard against the temptation (which is of course very natural) for lewd conversations, or for arranging to meet in private, etc., as your relationship deepens, things should be fine insha’Allah.

In fact, it is important for young Muslims to find ways to meet and to get to know each other. Being a minority in American society, it is often quite difficult for young Muslim men and women to meet each other in “natural” settings. Therefore, we believe that what you are doing is allowed, and if Islamic manners are observed, may be even be something encouraged, since you are getting to know each other with an eye toward marriage, and since your relationship is helping both of you become better Muslims. In theory, no parents could ask for more.

However, speaking of parents, we do have to bring up one issue: that is whether your parents are aware of the relationship. We are not saying that if they are not aware, that this in and of itself makes it haram, but it would be a cause for discomfort about the situation. In general, secret relationships are not a good idea, and are definitely a set-up for leading to the haram.  That being said, we have met many, many, many parents who are not reasonable when it comes to this sort of thing. When they find out that their son (or more likely their daughter) is talking to someone online, they freak out, and stop listening. We have tried hard to get parents to understand our perspective: that this is a positive thing, which should be allowed, guided and then encouraged, since there are few other ways for Muslims to meet each other, fall in love, and get married.

One final caveat, of course, is to be aware of predators.  For example, are you sure that this person is who he says he is?  Sadly, online predators are a very real danger.  We do not know enough about your situation to say whether this is a possibility, but we would say that under no circumstances should you arrange to meet this person without the knowledge of your parents, and without one of them, or another trusted adult, accompanying you.  If this person is genuine, with honorable intentions, he should have no problem with that.   It is also for this reason that we strongly encourage you to discuss this with your parents, even if they may be “unreasonable” about it, and try your best to work with them, and have them work with you, to monitor and nurture your relationship.  In this way, it might insha’Allah either blossom into what you hope, or at least give you an opportunity to get to know each other better to determine if you both are the right match for each other in the long run.

You are seventeen, and sound very mature, but you should not navigate this situation alone.

In peace.