Dear Hadi,
As-Salaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu,
I hope you are doing well by the grace of Allah, Alhamdulillah.
I am an 18-year-old university student, entering my second year in September, Insha’Allah. I have come to know someone who is 6–7 years older than me. Alhamdulillah he is financially stable and capable of building a family, and he encourages me to grow closer to my deen. Our personalities align, and we both desire to make our relationship halal.
He is ready for marriage, and his family has no objections. His mother and sister have met me and are supportive. His father also reached out to my father to discuss the matter, but my father dismissed the conversation.
Unfortunately, my mother believes I am too young and is concerned about cultural differences, as he is Pakistani and I am Bengali. She worries about societal perceptions if it becomes known that I chose my partner.
I have known him for five months, and Alhamdulillah, our relationship has brought us closer to Allah. We love each other for His sake. I performed Istikhara and felt at peace with my decision. Sadly, my relationship with my parents has deteriorated. They have threatened to throw me out and are considering moving to the Middle East, believing that I have abandoned my studies. My mother often brings up my past, doubting the personal changes I have made, though only Allah knows how much I have grown.
Some people have advised us to proceed with a secret nikah, but this is our last option. We both want my parents’ blessings and to proceed in a respectful and proper way. He also does not want my parents to think ill of him.
Despite facing many trials, Allah (SWT) has shown us signs that have kept us connected. Alhamdulillah, our relationship has been a source of spiritual growth. We pray five times daily, perform 20 rakats of taraweeh, and even wake for tahajjud—something I struggled with before.
My focus in life has shifted. Though I once loved studying computer science and ran my own phone repair business, I now aspire to become an Islamic teacher or Alimah, dedicating my life to Islam and seeking closeness to Allah.
Despite my struggles, I am committed to avoiding anything haram. However, the pain of being misunderstood and restricted from making a halal choice is overwhelming. I feel my parents are turning away a blessing from Allah while inadvertently making haram options easier.
I seek your sincere advice. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) taught that if a man is of good character and deen, he should be married, and Allah will bless the union. Alhamdulillah, he is becoming a better Muslim, and we continue to support each other in our faith.
We do not wish to rush into marriage but simply desire to make our relationship halal through nikah, in a respectful and proper manner.
Jazakallah Khair for your time and guidance.
Dear Reader,
Thank you very much for trusting us with your important question and the challenging situation you find yourself in.
Firstly, we applaud your desire to marry a practicing Muslim, and to do so in a halal way. You mentioned that some people have advised you to proceed with a secret nikah. We strongly advise against this. In Islam, most scholars believe that for a marriage to be valid, there should be witnesses, an agreed upon mahr (dowry), and consent from the bride-to-be’s wali (guardian). We’ll return to this last point in a moment as it is especially relevant to your situation. However, with regard to performing a secret nikah, generally speaking, Muslim scholars do not believe that “secret marriages” are valid in Islam. This is why one of the requirements for a marriage to be valid is for the presence of witnesses. We believe that recognition of your marriage by your community and society at large is a cornerstone of making it a valid Islamic marriage. For these reasons, we do not believe engaging in a secret nikah is a good way to go.
Also, you mentioned that “We do not wish to rush into marriage but simply desire to make our relationship halal through nikah…” We have to strongly comment here, and please forgive us for being very blunt. We entirely disagree with the notion of using an Islamic nikah without a civil marriage as a license for sex. We need to clarify that reputable Islamic Centers and organizations always require a legal (secular) marriage license before performing an Islamic ceremony to ensure legal protections for both spouses in the courts. For example, on the ISNA Canada website, under requirements for marriage, you find: “Please be sure to acquire the Marriage License from the city hall of your municipality. You will also receive a Marriage Certificate.” The organization Muslim Wedding Service likewise states: “If you would like Muslim Wedding Service to perform your nikah, we do require couples to obtain a marriage license before or at the time of their nikah. This serves to ensure that your marriage is not only Islamically valid but also legal in the eyes of the law.” We agree entirely with this position. This protects your rights in case of divorce.
We have absolutely no problem if you do your Islamic nikah and get your civil marriage license and then not live together if you are not yet ready to establish a home. In fact, we often encourage Muslim young couples to do this and encourage their parents to facilitate this option for them, so that they can have a full legal marriage and enjoy all of its benefits, including intimacy, without the burden of running a household if they are still students, etc., and cannot yet afford it.
With that, let us turn to your parents. While we generally believe that parents have the best interests of their children in mind, parents can often be unduly influenced by cultural customs over Islamic teachings, so in this case, with regard to your parents’ concerns about the cultural differences (you being Bengali and he being Pakistani), we strongly disagree with their reservations. As you noted, the guidance of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is that "If someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks for your daughter in marriage, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be turmoil on Earth and extensive corruption" (narrated by At-Tirmidhi (1048) and others).
We would recommend that you reach out to a local imam or family member whose views align with yours and ask them to help you talk with your parents, reminding them that one of the greatest responsibilities that Allah SWT will question parents about, and with which they are obligated towards their children, especially daughters, is facilitating their marriage. Delaying it for an illegitimate reason may actually amount to non-compliance with the command of Allah Almighty: And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. [Quran 24:32]. Various commentators have said that this verse urges guardians to facilitate the marriage of their daughters and not to leave them single as this is more chaste for them.
Let us return to the notion of needing consent from the bride-to-be’s wali. Three of the four sunni schools of thought (Hanbali, Maliki, and Shafi’i) require approval of the proposed bride’s guardian if she has not been previously married. However, the Hanafi school of thought allows the bride-to-be to contract her own marriage without the approval of a guardian. Similarly, the Shiite jurisprudence generally does not require the approval of the wali.
While family relations are of course very important in Islam, and it would be great to have the blessings of your parents, nonetheless, if the efforts to talk with your parents are not successful, and you believe that marrying this individual is the best course of action vis-à-vis fulfilling your desire to have an Islamic marriage, then we think you could proceed with an Islamic marriage that is performed by an imam or someone authorized on behalf of a masjid to perform marriages, as well as a civil marriage that is recognized by the state in which you live. This should be your last resort, as it may have lasting repercussions on your relationship with your parents, but it is better than a secret marriage, which we believe is invalid, and certainly better than living in sin.
We pray that your parents will be receptive to listening to the counsel of others, and that your heart finds peace in your decision.
As a final rejoinder, which has nothing to do with your question, but relates to something you mentioned regarding your career. We strongly suggest that you pursue your career in computer science and be close to Allah SWT and devoted to Him in whatever line of work you choose. We believe that you do not need to renounce a “worldly” career and become a ‘Alimah to be close to Allah SWT. Use your computer science degree to help and work with one of the many Muslim websites and try to help Muslims that way, since God has blessed you with an aptitude for science and technology.
In peace.