Dear Hadi,
Assalamualaykum,
I am a convert to Islam and I wanted to know if my marriage will be considered valid under the following circumstances:
1. As the only Muslim in my family, and having had a previous relationship with a man but not having been married to him, will I still need to seek the permission of my non-Muslim father before getting married?
2. If we keep our marriage a secret from my husband's first wife for a period of time, will it still be considered valid?
3. The marriage is not legally recognized in the country where we currently reside.
Hoping you can help me clarify these matters.
Dear Marriage Matters,
Thank you for your question. You raise a few issues which we’ve touched on in different previous questions but we’ll bring together in one place to do our best to address your concerns.
In Islam, most scholars believe that for a marriage to be valid, there should be witnesses, an agreed upon mahr (dowry), and consent from the bride-to-be’s wali (guardian). With regard to this last condition (and the first question you raised), please note that to the best of our knowledge, the general opinion of the Islamic scholars is that a non-Muslim cannot be the wali for a Muslim. Therefore, you do not have to ask your non-Muslim father for his permission, and he cannot function as your wali (and God knows best). Some say that a ranking community leader, imam, etc., can function as your wali in his stead. However, we note that the Hanafi school of thought does not necessarily require consent from the wali for validity of the marriage, and if you want to follow this school of thought, you do not need a wali for a valid marriage. For more on this particular facet (the issue of a wali), please see our earlier answer (Is a Guardian's Consent required for Marriage?). That being said, family relations are important in Islam, and it is encouraged to keep good relations with one’s family, whether they are Muslim or not. We feel that it would be best to at least attempt to get the blessing of your parents if you are going to get married. That is the kind and respectful thing to do, rather than for them to feel that they have been shut out of your life.
With regard to your next question, about keeping the marriage a secret from your husband-to-be’s first wife, generally speaking Muslim scholars do not believe that “secret marriages” are valid in Islam. This is why one of the requirements for a marriage to be valid if for the presence of witnesses. However, it seems you are asking about keeping it a secret from just one person. While we believe that recognition of your marriage by your community and society at large is a cornerstone of making it a valid Islamic marriage, assuming your husband-to-be is divorced from his first wife, we don’t think you need to go out of your way to tell her about the upcoming marriage. However, if she were to learn of it, it should not be denied. If your husband has not divorced his first wife and you are considering marrying him as his second wife, we would be very concerned about keeping your marriage secret from his first wife. We believe she would have a right to know – if for no other reason, Islam requires the husband to treat both wives equally and if you know about her but she doesn’t know about you, that is hardly equal treatment.
Your third question has to do with your marriage not being legally recognized in the country in which you live. We wonder if this is because he is still married to his first wife and so your marriage will have no legal recognition. If this is the case, we would discourage you from pursuing this – again, given the circumstances of the country in which you live, your husband-to-be would be unable to treat you and his first wife equally as you simply do not have the same legal rights as his first wife. If your marriage is not legally recognized, you are leaving yourself unprotected in a variety of ways e.g. alimony, community property, and inheritance. In case this is the situation you're in, here's a link to an earlier question we answered about polygamy: Is polygamy allowed?
Based on the information you’ve shared with us, we do think there are a couple of red flags associated with your situation, specifically with regard to issues 2 and 3 in your question. We recommend you have a frank conversation with your partner to ensure that you are legally protected and that this potential marriage is one that will fulfill what we believe to be Islam’s ethos with regard to marriage - a noble and pious agreement and relationship between husband and wife that brings peace and tranquility to both individuals.
In peace.