Assalam u alaikum,

I dont know how many of you remeber my last post which I posted earlier this year but since then there have been many changes. I moved in with my inlaws and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I never thought I would say this but they are horrible people and it is sad to know that even though I married into my family (my husband and I are first cousins) I have been treated nothing less than an insignificant piece of crap.

We moved into my inlaws house and we lived with techniicallyf or only one month as they left the country to visit one of my husbands siblings abroad. During that one month, my mother in law made my husband and I fight continuously, she snooped around my stuff that was in her basement (as we were trying to save money on putting our furniture in some rental stoprage facility which at this point I think would have been a better decision) and she wouldnt stop giving me some hints of how I dont cook or clean and that I dont even take care of my husband. Knowing full well that I would goto school int he morning and come back at night with my husband as we had only one car and could not come at different times.

My father in law, my mother in law, my husband and I got into an argument one day because my husband was sick of the way things were going. His parents hardly ever spoke to me and I never spoke to them because of how bad they made me feel about myself. His mother just went on a rampage of how my husband always blames her(which is utterly untrue, he accepts her mistakes to me but never has said that to her and has always asked me to be patient) and his father-my own uncle- told me that I am too connnected to my own family back home and that is why I dont consider HIS family as mine. I dont want to consider them as mine because of how low and trashy their attitude is. I hated that whole month and was on the brink of divocring my husband. I told him he has too much baggage and I did nto get married to have people tell me that I should sit in the house and cook and slave after my inlaws. My mother in law started screaming almost on how I never once offered to cook (I left at 8 am and came back at 9pm sometimes with my husband and the weekends we were always studying or relaxing with eachother) She could not even handle one month with me and many times wouldnt even let me near the stove in case I screwed something up. My mother in law is uneducated and very cultural. Her own daughters dont want to live with their in laws and one of them forced her husband to give her her own place which he did. My aunt (my father in laws sister who is my maternal aunt) said thats because my husbands sister put up with her in laws for 11 years and had four kids and EARNED that right. Ofcourse this is bologna to me. SO I have to wait 11 yrs and have 4 kids to do the same? along with all the bitterness it causes? My mother in law would be happy when my husband and i would fight and i could see it on her face. I would be left staying in the room crying while my husband went out and had a cup of tea with his parents talking about politics!(which his mother cannot even participate in because of how uneducated she is) She tried every mean possible to show me how she can cater for her son better. She consciously told my husband how happy she is these days (equating the reason to his moving back in) I was miserable and even though they are not here and are not returning for another mont and a half, I am furious with them and the way they have acted. I am pregnant now and just found out. My husband told me that we will get our own place and we are moving in soon InshaAllah, before they come back. My problem is that I hate them so much that I cannot even stand ot bear them. Iw ish them the worst and the difficult time they caused me.

My other problem is that I never want to live with them again and my husband is the only son. I dont know how to solve this issue. His parents think that now that I am havign a baby I should learn how to change diapers than take finals (I graduate this week and they know this) I however have plans to goto Graduate school inshaAllah and be a role model for my kids. I plant o be with my kids and have my career revolve around them even if that means leaving school. However, I do intend to keep my life whether or not I have kids. I donot want to be like his mother who is soo bitter and full of jealousy and takes it out on me. I knwo she feels like she never got to study, not because she wasnt allowed to but because she wasnt smart enough. My father in law tried to teach her things and send her to school but it was useless. She didnt have the brains for it. My father in law is also the only son and had to live with his parents for 13 years and in 2004 my grandfather passed away so he is still living with his mother. Both my FIL and my MIL are so bitter and are always complaining about not being able to go anywhere because somebody has to be with his mother. (EVEn though right now, he is abroad and has been for 4 months and left his mother with his sisters) My faither in law and mother in law tell my husband all the "evil stories" about my grandmother and how bad she used to be to my mother in law even though I see no need to talk bad about an 82 year old woman who is a widow and can barely walk. This gives my husband st**id ideas and besides that, she is my maternal grandmother (and the only one i have left) and I donot like to hear bad things about her all the time.

I want to know once and for all whether I have to live with his parents. My father in law, being very knowledgable, having translated the Quran, a retired physician has told me that they are my responsibility and that eventually I have to take care of them not necessarily my husband. My husbadn will be at work and I will have to attend to them and run the "household" and they are ready to give me these responsibilities now!!!! I mean Iw ill run my own house the way I want and never under my mother in law- a woman who intereferes in my life and continuously jeopardizes my relationship with my husband. How can I ever respect this awful person? I do hate her and cannot even hug her. I am full of venom especially since his mother was so rude to my mother when my mother confronted her about my situation and asked how i was. She said she didnt know and that my mother (who also has only one son) has a daughter in law "then we will see" were her exact words. So she wished my mother bad?? I hate her and I need a solution. I dont care if my hsuband is the only son but his parents have enuff money to move wherever we move and buy a place wherever we buy it. My husband says he will never say no to his dad if he asks that they live with him. (My parent s in law with my husband-in essence me too) I need an answer to this and I need to resolve this now before it gets out of control more than it already has.

Im sorry this has been very long, but it is built up frustration that is coming out and in my opinion it is justified.

Dear Niqaab_ummi,

WEll I guess you got lucky when it came to your inlaws. Unfortunately mine are not like that. The fact of the matter is that they are NOT MY responsibility but are my husbands and I do realisse that. However, she has ruined this relationship herself. I did not come in as an evil person but circumstances make you bitter. Islamically, I donot owe them anything but tolerance which I practice only for the sake of my husband. If a situation arises that she might be a widow, whcih could be possible since my fatehr in law is not in perfect health and is much older than my mother in law, ofcourse she can live with us. But she will get treated the way she is treating her mother in law, my grandmother, right now. One of the punishments of this world is that you get treated the way you treat your parents. My father in law had lots of fights with my grandfather and accused him of many things, one of whcih is that he sided with my grandmother and never used his own mind. My grandfather passed away soon after that. Now my mother in law is given 3 meals a day and kept in a small room in the house. It would be impossible for my inlaws to know if she even dies in there because they never talk to her. She comes out to eat lunch and dinner and goes back into her room and my inlaws donot try at all to socialise with her or keep herbusy. They just complain about her and how difficult it is to keep her happy and how they cant go anywhere because of her. I have no sympathy for my inlaws and they deserve everything they get.Even if it is from me.

Dear rashidr,

Assalamu-aleikum. No, they are NOT your responsibility. They are their own sons responsibility. Whatever you do for them is out of the kindness of your heart.

And there is NO law saying that you have to live with your in-laws. It is EVERY women's right to have  her own home with her husband. Which of course DOES NOT mean that once they are not able to take care of themselves anymore they should be dumped into a nursing home etc. But still, it is everyones haqq to have a private life.

There are unfortunately a lot of misconceptions about above issues. My own husband and his whole family think that the woman is a kind of a slave, there to do everything for her in-laws. Of course they think that only about their sister-in-laws, when it comes to their OWN sisters, there is a complete different set of rules.

So sad to see that man who have sisters themselves have so different standards for their wifes. Everything they do to their wifes, is happening to their own sisters, and they are too blind to see.....

And sister, I have seen things from both perspectives, as the wifes, and as the sister-in-law, who would have liked to see her brother and his wife stay with my parents. But even me told them it is better to move out and have a peaceful life, and be able to regain respect and trust for her in-laws (nobody looks good under a microscope) from  a distance. And even though they are my parents and I am biased, they are wonderful people and never meant to hurt anybody, but still my sister-in-law was profoundly unhappy, even after living with them for just 2-3 month (the rest of the time they were not home).

I can see from my own female standpoint how disturbed she was living with in-laws.

Things are better now that they have their own apartment, even though no daughter likes their parents to live alone...

Hopes up, sister, inshallah everything will be fine. Just don't let anybody talk you out of what is your haqq given by Allah.

Salaam

(I am sorry I cannot quote exactly where I got the above information from, I have read a lot about it though and have lost some books during the move).

wow.. wow... wow...

Some people are truly disfuntional.. to treat other people this way is not right. Guess your MIL could not abide her son getting married and not being "her's" anymore. Commom decency is just lost.  You are a human being. Where is there anywhere in the Quran that it is okay to treat ANYONE so poorly.  Maybe she (MIL) needs to read the Quran and the Hadiths more.

Some people get the easy in-laws and others.. well..

Feel free to write... sometimes it helps to get it off your chest so to speak.

SAlam,

I do understand everyone's concerns. The funny thing is my parents have only one son too and I personally want him to live seperate from my parents. I love my parents to death, however, I know my parents drawbacks and I know my brother and his wife will be very unhappy living with them. EVery married couple deserves a home. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to have a house of their own, and especially for the wife to have a kitchen of her own. I just dont understand this.

I dont know how my father in law thinks it is my responsibility to take care of them. HE told me that I am to cater to them and that I have to sit with them and eat with them and even cook for them if asked to. When I said that its not my responsibility and that I only do it for the reward he told me I am seriously wrong and that I need to go back to my parents house and learn things that girls should learn before they get married. He said my mom didnt teach me anything and that he thought he would call my mom and tell her that. My mom was very offended when I told her this (she is my father in laws sister) and rightfully so. I am very upset. My sister in law's attitude is different everytime she talks to her mom. I can tell. I would think she would sympathize with my situation because she is also living with her in laws and I knwo she is not happy about it. Yet, she is not very nice to me. In front of my husband, my MIL and SIL are nice but when he is not looking they completely ignore me. Personally, I have nothing to talk to them about. ITs hard to make any conversation with them,especially my MIL. She is not the kind of person you can talk to about school, or education, or politics, or anything normal people talk about. She is incapable of making conversation beyond cheap sales, and food. I have even tried on numerous occasions to just talk about that but then I realised that she just doesnt want tot alk. When my husband is around she acts very friendly but she even stopped that and my husband started noticing that she is mean or wont acknowledge me. When my husband addressed this issue to his father, his father just told him that I need to change and that you clap with two hands. He said that I am not cooperative and since I am the younger one, I shoudl show respect whether I get respect back from them or not. I donot understand this concept. How can you contiuously try to respect someone who treats you like trash? I am not an angel and maybe I am not strong enough to keep going with something like this when I donot get respect back. I am sorry but I am human and this is a drawback. I am very upset today too. My sister in law came with her husband to stay at her parents house (where we are currently)Her parents are not here ofcourse. I tried to be nice to her today and make conversation. I told her how nice she looked. I feel sympathetic for her because I realise that maybe she just needs to get away from her inlaws and is here to relax. However, she has no courtesy. I am pregnant and I am in my first trimester. She doesnt want to talk to me about anything, even though I tried to make conversation. I feel like her mother tells her things and even tells her to come visit to see how I am keeping the house. I wont be surprised if the Sister in law is just being a spy for her mom. This is quite funny actually but it still makes me mad. I just dont know what to do when I am trying my best to be nice but I am getting no response. I am so emotional these days as it is. I have terrible nausea and I told my sister in law that when she cooks, if she could just spray airfreshner in the house, it would really help me out as I am getting really sensitive to smell and I have trouble sleeping. I was studying with my husband all day as I have finals these days and when I came back home, I dont know what she had cooked, I smelt it all night and couldnt sleep and threw up terribly. Maybe she forgot. Allahu3Alam. I dont know. I jjust dont understand why you wouldnt just be nice to a pregnant lady. FOrget that, to a woman who is carrying your brothers baby? She knows ive had a miscarriage before. All I want for my brother is to be happy, whether he does that living seperately or with my parents (Althought i always tell my parents and him that there is no need for them to live together, he can get a place very close by and visit but his wife should be given that right to keep peace in the house) and they agree. No young married girl comes in to her in laws house with bitter or evil intentions but I feel she turns evil when they aggravate her and hurt her soo much. Iw as so happy when i got married and was so excited that my in laws were my family members and now I am so bitter with them that I cant stand to look at their faces. My aunt has an only son and he married a girl from outside the family. My aunt and her, daughter in law even though im sure they have little nick nacks here and there, treat each other very well. They are always covering eachothers faults in front of other people and my aunt, does all her laundry and cooking becuase her daughter in law is in grad school with her husband and it is a very demanding program. Sometimes I wonder that she got the better deal.She is from outside the family so maybe thats why she gets more respect. I am from the family and maybe thats why my in laws take me for granted and dont feel the need to give importance to my parents or my family. May be I am being pessimistic, but when will this situation get better>? I keep having nightmares that soon after I have the baby or when my husbadn graduates, in a year and a half, and gets a good job they will tell us that we should live together. How will I prevent that? I cannot live with them and I know my husband will get stuck in the middle. I know he will have to deal with it, but what if he tells me that he is the only son and I have to live with his parents? HOw can i prevent that situation? I know I am looking further into the future, but I cant stop thin king these things.

Assalaamualaikum rashidr,

Yes I remember you had written before........I completely understand your situation because I am familiar with it.

I will tell you only one thing, make dua. When a mazloom makes dua it goes straight up to Allah. Ask Him , He will give you. And remember, times change. Your situation will get better insha Allah. Don't expect inlaws to be good to you...then you won't be disappointed.

Take care of your health. wassalaam.

As-salamu alaikum

dear rashidr, your story scares me to death.

I am going to marry my first cousin too. we were planning to live in a house of our own; howeve, his father died last month. now he changed his mind and decided that we should live with his mother and sisters since he is the oldest son in the family.

his mother is my aunt. In the past two years only she became nice to me when her son told her that he wants to marry me. I came to believe that the things will go the same way they went with you.

your husband's attitude is really selfish, sorry to say that. he should be just. If his mother is wrong he should tell her in a polit way that she should not interfere between you two. it is a must to respect the parents and never hurt their feelings; however, they are human beings and they make mistakes; they must realize their mistakes.

I hope your psycological condition becomes much much better very soon

Salaam Sister Rashidr,

I read your Question a few days ago, and I became very upset at reading what you are going through.

Rashidr, you are living in an Abusive Environment.

Allah teaches us to treat our family members with kindness: But your in-laws have stolen from you and verbally abused you on a daily basis. Allah did not send you to this earth to abused.

Your in-laws are wrong, and so is your husband. Your husband is ALLOWING them to mistreat you as his wife. That is wrong, wrong, wrong.

However, what is also upsetting is this: Sister, you have ALLOWED this situation. This is what life has taught me: No can absuse you if you don't allow them to. We Muslim women can not sit back like helpless victims, and stay in abusive marriages and situations. Allah says that the Muslim is one who defends himself when wronged, and Allah also says that husbands are not to abuse their wives. When you first realized that your in-laws were mean-spirited and hateful towards you--and that your husband would allow them to mistreat you--you should have followed your insticts and divorced him like you said you were going to, and moved back home with your parents. Divorce Is permitted in Islam, and no one should make you feel guilty for leaving an abusive marriage and family life. Allah says we can part ways amicable, and no Muslims should convince you to stay in a situation that they themselves wouldn't want their own daughters to live in.

It's our reposibilty as a women to Empower Ourselves.

But, now you are Pregnant. Sister, can I ask you this: Why did you get pregnant?    Birth control is permitted in Islam, and Sister, You KNEW that your Mother in-Law makes your life a living hell  (), and that these people were crazy. Now, you are stuck with that woman for the Rest of Your Life: She is now your "baby's Grandmother", and she will continue her agressive, controlling behavior agianst you as you try to raise 'Her Grandchild'. Sister, life has shown me that when people are abusive--they only get worse as time goes on, not better. Sister, although you are in this abusive siuation, you are not making the right choices for your life. As women, we have control over our bodies, we're not farm cattle, forced to continously reproduce and reproduce agianst our will. My mom used to alwsys tell me "Think!"... With you about to get your degree, living in this bad family situation-- not using Birth Control was not 'thinking'. I'm sorry, but I'm only speaking to you as I would my own family member. 

Well, If you stay in this marriage--you can expect a Lifetime of dealing with these people.

Sister, you need to decide if you want to be in this situation for the rest of your life. Your Home should be a place of Peace--not fighting, abuse, arguments, etc.

If you decide to stay--then you KNOW what you are getting into, and know that you Can Not change these people; and that you'll have to do what Niquab Ummi said and try to be kind, forgiving with your in laws so you can Keep The Peace. Allah also tells us that if you give a gift to someone, that may soften their heart. Maybe you can try giving a gift to your In-Laws, and sincerely try to forgive them, and treat them with kindness in hopes of bringing Peace

But, You should also make set a TimeTable for your husband to move you into your own House or Own Apartment. Your husband is OBLIGATED to give you your OWN HOME--you are a married couple..You are pregnant now, and if stress may affect your unborn baby. It may cause your baby to be very irritable...If your husband is moving to slow, then you should take matters upon yourself: Borrow money from your Mom & Dad, and go apartment hunting on your own. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find a place for $600 a month..See, that's why it is best for us women to be Independant. Khadija, the Prohpets first wife--was a sucessful Business Owner, and the Prophet worked for her for years. She didnt sit back, waiting for a man to pay her bills, not being able to make a move until a man told her what to do--she handled her own business! You can take control of your life! Get a job, get your own money, decide what city you want to live in, and put a downpayment on an apartment if your husband is moving too slow. You Dont Have To Completely Depend On a Man. Free Yourself.

And NO--you DONT HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOUR IN LAWS...They are not sick! There is NO REASON you have to live with your in laws as a married woman! If his mother was very sick and battling illness, then yes you should invite her to your house to help take care of her for the sake of Allah... But, you are NOT A SLAVE for your very healthy and 'physically able' In Laws. There is NOTHING in the Koran that obligates a married couple to live with your in-laws and be their servants, cook for them and serve them. Sister, thats called "Oppresion". As my father taught me, they're not practicing Islam, they're practicing "HisLam". ( people making up their own laws to suit their selfish purposes) 

If you decided that you do not want to live like this, then know that Allah is the Best to help, and there are many men who will appreciate a woman like you. Know that its much easier to find a new husband when you are young and only have 1 child, versus being an older "Single Mother with 3 kids".

Sister, please call on Allah, ask Him what is BEST for you to do, and listen. Ask Allah to Guide you in this situation. Allah knows Best. When you feel 100% comfortable with your decision, and whatever decision brings you Peace--follow that decision.

Stay in Touch and let us know how things go.

Peace

Salam Musimah07

I really appreciated your email and heard eveyrthing you said. I absolutely agree with you and am 100% sure that what you said is accurate. I am not someone who gets oppressed easily and that bothers my mother in law. Believe me sister, there have been  many times where I have threatened to leave my husband and have even come to a point wheere I booked my flight back home and told him I would not come back. My parents tried to work things out with my in laws but even they got sick of it and asked me to reutrn if thats what I thought was best. They told me they would support me either way. The sad part of it was, that my husband was the one who got upset and got trapped in the middle. HE admitted to me his parents are very wrong and he promised me a place of my own which alhumdullilah we got. We got the keys a few days ago and move in first week of january. He said that if I left than noone would suffer but him. He thinks I will find another person and his parents will just continue their foolishness even with another wife, if he marries again. He said he's the only one who will be left alone. That's when I realised that he is on my side. HE is trying his best not to be mean to his parents becuase that is something he says he cannot do. On the other hand however, he is trying ot give me everything that is my right. He asks that I be kind to his parents in return for as long as I can, which I am trying to do but ofcourse, it's immensel;y difficult.

As for being pregnant, it was absolutely not planned but Alhumdullilah Allah blessed us. We wwere using precaution but subhanAllah it still happened. SO I take it as a blessing from Allah. I have no reason to be stuck to his parents even if I have a baby. If I am treated wrong, I am always readyt o walk out but I stop becuase of my husband, becase he is kind to me and takes care of me regardless of what his parents say. They try to turn him against me in some ways but still he is kind to me and does realise what his parents are doing. He just does not have the courage to mistreat them and I would not want him to. I dont have to do anything, it is already clear to me that he sees right through his parents. Eventualy he will be sick of his parents the way his father was and is sick of his mother and his father. Its the circle of life. He always saw his father take care of his mother and his grandfather (who he lived with) take care of his grandmother.He knows he has to take care of his wife. In my culture marrying again or marrying a second wife is looked down upon and he does not even think about that. I donot agree with this opinion ofcourse but that is the way he was raised. I do pray to Allahg and so far this child has beena  blessing. My husband had become more on my side and is even nicer and more caring. He talks about he his family (my child and I )are so important and how he finally has a family now. He does nto include his parents in HIS family. SO I am just resting. Taking it one step at a time and realise that this child has already made my position stronger with him. InshaAllah just pray for me. This will inshaAllah work in my favor.

Salaam Sister Rashidr,

You so sound so much more Peaceful now. You sound very calm, as if a big burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Alhumduallah, you finally got the keys to your own apartment! You are finally gaining your Freedom, and that is such a blessing. I am proud of you for standing up for your rights--and look, now you have your own home.  

There is a saying, "a Beehive can only have 1 Queen".  So, move forward into your new home, and don't look back to the old life. You are an adult, soon to be a Mother and a college graduate. You're a  Woman now. Live your life in Freedom and Peace. Decorate and enjoy your new home, and do the things that make you happy. Maybe you can join some Muslim Mothers Groups or Halaqua, so that way you'll have a new friends (outside of family) and new things to do. Live your Own Life. Be Happy.

I agree with your husband for being kind to his Parents. That is our obligation to Allah; and may Allah forgive me if I made it appear that he should be disrespectful to his parents. He is right in that regard. And he did the right thing by giving you your own home.

Now that you have your own home, I hope the time alone with your husband will strengthen your bond and bring you both happiness.

You know, I was thinking about something. You said that you have dreams that in a few years, you will have to move back in with his Parents. And you said that your husband has said that he will move back in with them, and never say "no" if they ask... Maybe in a few weeks, you should have a long talk with your husband. When I was growing up--my mom taught me this about marriage: She said, "You will either live your life on "his terms", or "your terms"--always live life on "your terms". Rashidr, Its clear that your husband's family belives their daughter-in-laws are obligated to "take care of them" and "serve them". That is their family/cultural tradition.  But, you made it clear that is Not how you want to live your life, and you absolutely have that right...Sister, You should let your husband know that unless his mother and father are very ill--you will not agree to let them live in your home , and you will not move back in with them under no circumstances. Calmly sit down, and calmly have a long heart-to-heart talk and tell him this. You should get this on the table now and make an Agreement with your husband, so that 2 years from now, you won't be moving back in with them.   (Or, they wont be moving in with you after you get a great job and move into a big new house.)

If your husband tells you that he yes, he WILL give up his home and move back in with them if his parents ask him to come back- even if you do not want that  ;  then Sister, know that those are "his terms". If he says that, he is only being honest and telling you truthfully what he will do. If so, you need to accept that as a reality and Decide if you can live on those terms.

But, inshallah--he may take your side, and realise that unless his mother or father have an illness, it's best for his wife and child to live in your own home in Peace. Hopefully, he will see that is best.

(Also keep in mind that sometimes its good to place distance between you and difficult relatives by moving to another state--and that does not mean you're "abandoning them". I've seen in my own family how when some relatives cant get along--one of them moving to another state actually makes them grow closer since "distance makes the heart grow fonder".. Maybe after you get that degree, you and your husband can make plans on moving to another State in 1 year.)

Salaam and Enjoy your New Home

Let us know how things go.

Salaam

I'm supporting SisterMuslima 110%

So well said