im posting this after a very heated argument with my ex hubby. so im not in the best of moods

basically the brother n me were having a conversation about what went wrong in our marriage. next thing i know hes blaming my mom for everything. he even went to the extent of saying that when i get paid my mom takes all my money n then she gives me an allowance. thats ridiculous n couldnt be further from the truth

y can i see waht he see. at first i laughed this off, but the brother truly believes that my mom, the person whom i love with all my heart, is one of the leading reasons for our divorce. after we spoke i started thinking. what if hes right. what if thats what really happened. but was i that blind? couldnt i see what eh saw? is he just looking for soemone to blame? why does this even matter now. seeing that we both have remarried.

when i told him that its unfortunate that the kids have to grow up in a broken home, he got very agitated n kept repeating that its unfortunate.

after this encounter im at a loss. what do men really want. am i expected to forsake my mom. the woman who gave birth to me n was there for me through thick n thin, she had my back while i was growing up. if it werent for her i wouldnt be where i am today. is it wrong for me to love my mom n respect her. is it wrong of me to buy her gifts n pamper her. i knwo that sacrifices she made for me. i know what she went through just to get me through law school. im so conflicted now.

cant a brother for once  come clean n say i messed up, im sorry. must guys always play the blame game.

Hold fast to the rope of Allah, and be not divided

rookaiya wrote:  he even went to the extent of saying that when i get paid my mom takes all my money n then she gives me an allowance.

Even if this were true it's your money to do as you please.  Your support is his responsiblity.

asalamu alaikum

ok. ive read the 2 comments. guess i needed to vent. like u said hanan the guy are me are divorced for 2 years now so i dont know y we were even havinga  heated conversation or even discussing what might have been. its silly really.

Rookaiya allow me to answer your question.

"What do men really want is rather broad." Because to ask the question of what men want is asking for a different answer as diverse as the different men on this planet. So what men want depends on the man you've married (or plan to marry). Several things that are factors in a persons decisions in marriage:

1) Culture

2) Economic situation

3) Education

4) Family

For (1) depending on the type of person you marry this individual may be involved heavily in their culture. For instance on some families such as the nuclear family this may involve not on the parents but also the extended family (grandmother, cousins etc). So its not surprising to find the mother-in-law or father-in-law involved in the marital relationship. Not just economically but emotionally. Its weird because some women find themselves not making the decisions rather, their mother or father doing the decision making.

I'm not assuming in any way this is what happened in your situation but giving you one of many examples on how this can effect a relationship. (2) Economic situation speaks for itself. I don't know what your stance on this is but of course many individuals believe that a man should provide for the woman. Of course I differ for my own reason which we won't get into here but for the most part if a man's economic situation changes from when you were married that can cause intra-marital conflict. Quite frankly, if a man has no money to provide the emotional stress from the feeling of his impotence will indeed trickly into his relationship with his wife.

(3) Education speaks for itself really if he lacks education (not just academia but common sense) he lacks the rational faculty of his ability to sustain himself and his family.

(4) Family can be within the category of culture but I separated this because family in itself can play a role in our decision making.

What I see in what you are seeking now is a question that wasn't answered for you prior to marrying this man in the first place. I have to ask you: "Did you ask him what he wanted? Did you ask him what bothered him in your marriage? Did you seek a counselor before divorce? Did you seek God's counsel? Here is my ultimate question: Did you walk away from this relationship satisfied that you on your part did everything you could to sustain this relationship?

It's so easy to walk away from negative situation and get a divorce but difficult to work things out so that is why I ask the latter question.

abuayisha wrote: rookaiya wrote:  he even went to the extent of saying that when i get paid my mom takes all my money n then she gives me an allowance. Even if this were true it's your money to do as you please.  Your support is his responsiblity.

Doesn't she have to have his permission to work though?

Its difficult to generalise as to what the men 'really' want in a marriage. Its said that happy families are all alike, unhappy families are unhappy in their own ways.

I think there is no sureshot method to prevent a divorce. Its just that both men and women have to constantly work (together) to sustain a marriage. There is no substitute for that. Even the happy couples have problems. Perhaps, there is no substitute to intelligence required for resolving marital issues. Others can help but its the couple that have to make the right decisions.

well said candid. but in some cases u get too much interference from well meaing relatives. even if a problem was bound to get resolved, intervention by 3rd parties complicates issues and this leads to divorce ultimately

the couple themselves could be helpless victims who are caught in the middle of this whirlwind. then theres outside pressure to act in a certain way

if in anger u tell all ur friends and family that u are leaving n next thing u guys have made up...u get all these funny looks...n next time theres aproblem , they dont wanna listen cos they think u playing games

ive heard of cases where parents have threatned to disown their married daughters if the daughter were to go back to her hubby,cos the parents disapprove n they are rich. thus they think that wealth gives them the right to have control over their daughter, who by the way, happens to be married.

All men r not the same just as all women are not same.

This one's retarded though . Cousin and husband....now thats a real dozzyy ... hope u get a new job, cuz that seems to be the only solution rr u can just hit him and tell him to stop bugging u

Life is all about balance.  Don't forsake your mother and forget about her but you should realize that when you get married that you must also pay attention to your husbands wants and needs which could confilct with your mother's. 

If your mother was understanding she would realize that she's raised you and you have your own life to lead.

its not even about these men anymore. its about me and the way i conduct myself in relationships. it took me some time to do some self reflection and i realise that i gave these men the licence to hurt me and do what they did to me. i needed to recover from past patterens of behaviour or else i will find myself repeating past mistakes and getting the same end results, no matter which man im married to.

recovery is a slow process but in the end its worth it.

what men want????

Peace,

Well that depends on what kind of a man he is.If he is a believer and is looking for a partner,he would obviously look for a believeing woman.Race,culture,wealth etc etc becomes secondary.And most importantly GOD commands us to marry believing  ppl.This would give us peace and happiness in our married life.Now coming back to your situation,i would say that there is no need for you to be in an argument with your ex.If you are remarried,this might upset your current husband.If you have a child with your ex,the contact should only be for the sake of him being able to meet his child or sending money or whatever according to the agreement reached between the both of you during the divorce.I dont understand whats the need for someone to discuss the reasons for divorce after it has already happened and both of the parties are already married again.