Asalaam Alaikum sisters,

 i am just wondering, Would any of you consiterd being a 2nd wife? If  you know the man follows Allah's commands and would treat you right, would you?

Assalamu alaikum,

Yes, as long as the man was pious and treated all wives with respect and equality (as far as housing and so on).  I probably would have answered no if I was a lot younger!  At my age, being alone is not a good prospect.

Peace, ummziba.

Aisha, are you considering becoming a 2nd wife?

Salaam

 Asalaam Alaikum,

 Yes, honestly, I am thinking about it. But understand that i know the problems with this. But the man who is asking me is giving me a very good opprotinte. he is a convert, which i wanted to marry a convert because i hear that there are a lot of problems with converts and Arab/Indian marrying cuz of culture reasons, and commiution issues.

 He has also lived in saudi for the last 6 years, and he knows arabic. Thats a big plus for a convert to know arabic, and we would  live in saudi. i could be a teacher, i could live in saudi...I never wanted to stay in the untied states anyway, but if i marry any convert most likley i would never leave.

 But sisters...I dont wnat to make a stupid choice, and I feel that is what i am doing.

Would you have  your own house? Your own maid, car and driver like the Saudi women do? Or would you have to live with the other woman. I would go and see what the plan is before you jump into something like that. How often will you see him? Will he be able to provide well for you and kids in the future and his other family? There are many many things to consider. And if things don't work out and you have kids you'll be stuck there.

 

The questions that Jenni has given you are good ones.  You'll want to know these things.  Also, ask him to let you meet his first wife, if not in person than by phone for now. 

Salaam

Asalaam Alaikum,

 I am starting to worry that he doesnt have a very good realiship with the wife he has now. he says that she might want a divorce if me and him marry, or he marrys any other women.  I asked him about that and he said that  he will talk to her, and that she might have said it because she was angry. I wont hurt there realishishp, so if she has a probelm i wont go thourgh with it. And also, she seems like she has difficties having childern.

  thank you for the questions to ask.

  Honesly, I am shocked, I though i would be getting reasons not to do and not helpful questions to help me with this.

 thank you again

Bismillah,

I am married now and have been for many years.  My first response to this is no, but to be brutally honest, I would have to be in a situation to really know what I would do sometimes.  Sometimes not.

However, I advise a young sister such as yourself not to accept second best and to marry one of the many great young men available who would treasure you as their one and only wife.  Do you need a wali?  Would you like help?  I'm sure that the sisters could recommend nice young men from their communities, and with time and patience you could find someone who would like to relocate with you to an Arabic country if that is what you wish.

You can look up how to become a teacher and travel to another country on your own also.  Do you have any degree?  Without that, it will be harder to find a good paying job.  But I myself know that you could find a low-paying job as a teacher and live with just the bare necessities in Jordan easily.  They like to hire people at least three months before the school year begins, so start looking now if you're interested for this coming August.

If you would like further help, feel free to pm me.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

If you feel that you can be a second wife, then you are very strong.

I would advise that you find out the exact situation that exists between him and his current wife. The best indicator of how he will treat you is how he is treating her. If he would marry you when he knows it causes her pain and might end their marriage, then he will probably treat your feelings with the same disregard.

Personally, I would definitely want to talk to his first wife. If he says that this is not possible, then I would really have doubts. Well, I wouldn't have doubts, I would run away very fast... but that's just me. However, if you do meet with her, you must see if you are compatible and she is willing to share equally, or you will spend your time fighting for his time and attention.

As Sister Herjihad says, there are many single brothers looking for a wife and many do not wish to live in the U.S.. Is there a reason why you want to marry this particular brother? Perhaps you should weigh your options first and see who else is available. Most importantly, pray Istikhara. Ask Allah to give you what is good for you, whatever that may be.

aishag88 wrote:  Asalaam Alaikum sisters,  i am just wondering, Would any of you consiterd being a 2nd wife? If  you know the man follows Allah's commands and would treat you right, would you?

Wa alaikum as salaam wa ramatu Allah

No, because I'm selfish--when desires arise I want them satisfied immediately or may need to talk or want to cuddle, etc... (suppose it's not my night, what am I supposed to do?) Unfortunately, this is one thing I truly struggle with, frankly the thought of it makes stomach turns.

I had an interesting discussion with a brother once. He was married and his wife was in another country. He wanted a 2^nd wife. He was happily married and such. I asked him would he tell his first wife. He said no, he did not have to by Islamic law..

Then he added that he felt it is only selfish women who would not let their husbands marry again as there are many needy women who needed a husband (and he was not looking to helping the poor, widowed 50-year old, mother of two find a husband).

Then I asked what if he only wants one wife and doesn�t want another, isn�t he being selfish not helping that �sister� out who needed a husband. No of course not.

So women are selfish to want only their husband but men who only want one wife are not selfish.  Lol