Bismillahir arRahmanir arRaheem,

Alsalaamu alaikum sisters,

Insha'Allah you can send some good advice my way. I accepted Islam over 20 years ago, and been married almost as long to a good man alhamdulillah. My husband is a practicing Muslim and has always had the idea that he would like to have a second wife if he found one compatible for him. I have not had any issues with that up until recently. There is another convert lady who is slightly older and childless, never been married. My husband has suggested that he would like to marry her, as no one else has come forward. (We have known her for a few years now) She is a seemingly good person, and tries her best to practice her Islam. My issue here is not with my husband thinking of this - it is with my faith and belief as a Muslim. My husband was very thoughtful and asked me how I would feel to having her as his second wife, and if it caused me pain, then he would not go through with it. However, it has now become apparent to me that my belief in Islam is being tested - and I feel as though I am failing. This other woman is ok with being a second wife - why can't I accept her as my husband's other wife, even though I know all about how this is his right given to him by Allah (swt), and that he is trying to do the right thing and help this sister of mine out, etc. etc.?

I feel as though one of the fundamental aspects of my belief in Islam is being messed up, and after all this time, am I really a hypocrite??? Why do I feel like the "bad guy" here? The woman is good, my husband is good, and here's me - the one stopping this "good" from happening. I have been thinking that maybe I'm not cut out to be muslim after all - if I can't accept this test from Allah (swt), then what kind of a muslim can I claim to be? What am I supposed to do? I don't consider myself to be a muslim anymore because of this....

Salaam. 

Assalamu alaikum, Sis Carolann,

In Islam, marriage is supposed to be beneficial to both partners, in that it helps both of them increase their deen.  If you cannot be happy in a marriage with more than one wife, than you shouldn't have to.  Your husband has already said he won't do it if it bothers you, why the guilt? 

If you suddenly stopped wearing hijab, or praying 5 times a day, or fasting...would you consider yourself not a Muslim?  Of course not.  So why would you think that way over this situation?

We all strive to do our best to please Allah by trying hard to follow His directions given to us in the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet.  When we falter or fail or temporarily refrain, it doesn't make us no longer Muslim, it only makes us human. 

The Qur'an doesn't say a man must marry more than one wife, in fact, it discourages it - it merely puts a limit of up to four.  Read some good tafsir on those verses to understand this point...'if you can be fair to all, and you cannot"....(sorry I can't find the exact verses at the moment, but the idea of fairness is discussed.)

Our Creator is Oft-Forgiving, Most Generous.  I am no scholar, but, I would say, not agreeing to your husband marrying another wife in no way invalidates your Islam, and it certainly shouldn't be something to lose your faith over.  Your faith is between you and Allah - that is the relationship that counts the most.

Perhaps your faith issue stems from something else and this has just brought it to the surface?  Pray, Sister, and read Qur'an.  And talk openly and honestly about your feelings with your husband - what more could you do?

Peace, ummziba.

Wa alaikumu alsalaam sister Ummziba,

May Allah (swt) reward you for your gentle and kind words. I am most appreciative.

Salaam.

This whole concept phases me.. I really don't understand.  A muslim man can marry many wives of which he is obviously getting sexual gratification from and children.. foolish to think he isn't.. no doubt he loves each in thier own way.  Yet a westerner sleeps with someone out of marraige and is wrong.... little difference.

Under uk law you can only have 1 wife/husband but lets assume many hear have more because they don't get married in the house of god or regisary office.. 

Why is bigamy ok?  In my eyes cheating is cheating.  A man only strays when they get bored.

Discuss because I really am confused over this.

 Sister,

 If you think you will be jeslous of this women or envy her or not treat her fairly...then dont it...because that envy is a sin on you.

bismillah irrahman irrahim

assalamu alaikum

i dont think u got much to worry bout sis, u said it urself its a sunnah not fard so inshaAllah dont think that if u feel bad it makes u a hypocrite r voids ur salah n other ibadah, Allah swt is knower of all our feelings and is Ar-Rahman n Ar-Rahim.  Allah swt does not put more burden on us then we can take. 

if u take examples from our ummahat then u will know its natural to feel this way, One of the times when Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) got married, few of his wives (ra) went to the bride and told her to say when our Prophet (saw) approach her that may Allah swt protect me, when Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) went to her, she said what other wives (ra) told her, on this Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) backed away from her and this was one of marriages of our Prophet (saw) which ended in divorce.  Another incident was when Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) stopped going to see Marya bcos his wives (ra) dint like that. MashaAllah the reason u said why ur husband wants to marry this other sister its very noble but im sure 20 years of marriage is more important, if he is happy wiv u then khair, Allah swt will make ways for the other sister inshaAllah, n when Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) was married to Khadija (ra) she was his only wife during her life time.  but if u still feel bad in ur heart then do istikhara n ask Allah swt to give u peace if this is right r ask for contentment of heart with second marriage of ur husband.  Sayyidina Muhammad (saw) said that a person who does istikhara can never be at loss. so inshaAllah ul get what u want only ask from ur lord cos no one else can provide u with peace of heart other than our dear lord.

wassalam

Ketchup wrote: This whole concept phases me.. I really don't understand.  A muslim man can marry many wives of which he is obviously getting sexual gratification from and children.. foolish to think he isn't.. no doubt he loves each in thier own way.  Yet a westerner sleeps with someone out of marraige and is wrong.... little difference. Under uk law you can only have 1 wife/husband but lets assume many hear have more because they don't get married in the house of god or regisary office..  Why is bigamy ok?  In my eyes cheating is cheating.  A man only strays when they get bored. Discuss because I really am confused over this.

Not to take away from the original poster.

Ketchup, it is not many wives, it is upto 4, its an option if the man is able to, able to provide properly among each, if he cannot not then he shouldn't.

The option of marrying 4 wives came about when after war, many mens lives were lost and their women and kids were left behind, it became an option to help provide these women (and kids) with a proper means of conduct and also proper means of conduct for the men. It is not ALL about sexual gratification and bearing children.  

And its not about because the Prophet hand many wives and then it must be a must to do so.

Ketchup wrote: This whole concept phases me.. I really don't understand.  A muslim man can marry many wives of which he is obviously getting sexual gratification from and children.. foolish to think he isn't.. no doubt he loves each in thier own way.  Yet a westerner sleeps with someone out of marraige and is wrong.... little difference. Under uk law you can only have 1 wife/husband but lets assume many hear have more because they don't get married in the house of god or regisary office..  Why is bigamy ok?  In my eyes cheating is cheating.  A man only strays when they get bored. Discuss because I really am confused over this.

First note, Bigamy is when a man has two wives that do not know about each other.

Polygamy is when a man has multiple wives and they know about each other.  Polygamy was practiced by Jews and Early Christians, and as recently as 1896 by my church and continues to be practiced in some excommunicated groups.  It was practiced by Abraham, David, Jacob, Solomon....all prophets of God.

Polygamy when practiced right is not about Sex.  Its about family.  In the Quran it states the husband must treat all his wives equally.  She has rights as well.  So if a man's wives have rights and he must be equal to all his wives then it really can't be all about him.

Its not a practice that can be done for every man and woman.

As to your response about sleeping with someone outside of marriage.  You are assuming that because they do not have a piece of paper from the Queen, they aren't married. 

Nikkah can be done without the courts.  Therefore the Muslim couple are married Islamically if not civilly.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister Carolann:

Allah does not want us to be burdened. If you find that this issue is causing you pain and doubt, then walk away from it as your husband has already stated he will do as you wish.

You should not feel guilt for expressing your honest opinion and listening to your heart. Personally I could not be a co-wife, it would cause me great distress and probably destroy my marriage. It is not a lack of faith but rather my nature and I cannot feel guilty for that.

You are not doing something haraam by not wanting a co-wife, but if you go through with it you may end up doing something haraam by feeling envy, jealousy, etc...

May Allah give you peace in your heart.

Wa Alaikum Salam Sis Carolann

Very good advice from the sisters.

Sister jealousy is a very strong emotion and sometimes very destructive.

Alhamdulillah your husband understands and respects your wishes.

Rather 2 happy people than 3 miserable ones.

Insha Allah, Allah will guide you to the right decision. Ameen!