Marriage Issues - Newly married and trying so hard
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33568
Printed Date: 28 April 2024 at 3:54pm
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Topic: Marriage Issues - Newly married and trying so hard
Posted By: anon99
Subject: Marriage Issues - Newly married and trying so hard
Date Posted: 03 May 2015 at 9:21am
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Asalamualaykum everyone.
I am a new member to this forum, but have been following the forum for some time now. I am posting now out of desperation. I have been married for 8 months now. For the first 6 months of my marriage, it was amazing, alhamdulilah. The past 2 months, things deteriorated very much. I will try to be as concise in my story and inshallah you will be able to give me some sound advice. My husband is an athlete, and recently has become obsessed with going to the gym. When I say obsessed, I mean he spends 6 hours in the gym a day, we never see one another and it is all he talks about. More so, he has lost complete interest in his PhD, his family and his new wife. Prior to this, he was a fair and noble man; we were starting with a humble beginning, worked hard. He prays and was devout. Now all of a sudden religion has become the last thing on his mind. Recently, we got into an argument where he lost his temper very badly - worse than I had ever seen in my life. So much so that he broke a frame in our home, and I cut myself on this glass. He then walked out of our home and didn't come back til the next day. I was shocked, scared and mortified that a man who was so calm and always open to discussing issues had lost his way this quickly. I confided in my mother; who treats my husband as a son, not just me as a daughter. She would never interfere to ruin things. She listened, and told me to go back to my home with my husband and try to sort things out. And so I did. When I returned home, he was ignoring me and did not want to say one word to me. Literally not looking at me, not one word spoken. I felt like I'd come back to cook and clean and be a piece of furniture. I left it for a few days, and then eventually, my anxiety and sadness got the best of me and I spoke to him, calmly. I said to him what is happening now, why can't we bury this problem, that is nothing and should have been sorted a few days ago. He told me to give him time and that it was on his watch whether things would be fixed. That same night, he went out and left me and came back at 2am. With no regard to the fact that his wife was alone on her own, crying. The next morning, I greeted him and tried to clean things up again. Once again, I was greeted with bitterness, coldness and a complete shut down. He got angry, aggressive, and told me to leave him be or we would be divorced. As you can see so far, there is no 'real' argument. He has anger issues, and obsession issue with gym and lost his priorities and does not even want to admit to it. So instead, he is getting angry and aggressive. So much so, I am back at my parent's house. He messaged me saying 'do not message or call me. When I am ready to talk, I will contact you. Do not come near MY home'. The 'my' is capitalised as it's important - he has excluded me from my own marital home. I am heartbroken. He has cut out all of his family too, so they all know he is being in this mood. And more so, he is posting on Facebook as if nothing is happening. Smiling, posting images of his gym routine and so on. I am truly heartbroken. I feel like the man I committed to has done a 180 personality change. I feel like his eyes and heart have been covered in black cloth. I am praying and praying each day, but the more the days go on, the more I feel like I don't deserve this. I worked from day one to be the best wife, and he has lost his way. Please help. We are 24 and 28 respectively. JazakAllah Kheir. |
Replies:
Posted By: OSMANLI2012
Date Posted: 06 May 2015 at 12:54pm
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wa alikoum salam,
I have read your post and couldn't just stand by and not writing. I have been gone this fot too much in my earliar marriage, so insallah I can come with some advices. This is a typical issue in modern young muslim couples. The essential problem is that we dont have the opportunity to know eachother before marriage and thats Why we get the surprises. Anyway back to your problem, as a man I can tell what it is, either he is running away from some issue you have and when a girl doesn't dont all the duties as a wife and daughter in law guys can react differently. second as he spends a lot of time in the gy. And not for makin You glad, then he looking for another girls. I will suggest that you make dua and try also make some fitness at.home and be.more attractive for your man, I know it should be the deen which should attract but most guys are like this. hope it helped insallah |
Posted By: amira_91xx
Date Posted: 16 May 2015 at 5:19pm
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Sister, let me first say how much it hurts me to hear of your husband's behaviour. I went through a similar experience myself last year and wish I had had somebody to give me the advice I needed. I had been married to my husband for around 9 months, and to the best of my knowledge everything was wonderful alhamdulilah, but then one night almost completely out of the blue he did a complete 180 like you said, told me he couldn't 'do this' anymore, apologised vaguely and then drove off, he never even came to collect his things. I pray of course that this does not happen to you, and hope that your husband comes around and that you two may be happy again.
I would say that for now, lean on your family, and of course on Allah swt. They will never leave you, and you are safe with them, it is not right for your husband to hold all of the cards so to speak, and play with your life like this. Give him time to come around if time is what he wants, but my advice also would be to make sure that you are safe and have a net of friends and family around you and work on your deen, just in case he does not reconcile with you, I wish somebody had told me this at the time. Also when and if he does come around, forgive but do not forget this. It is not right for him to prioritise a fitness obsession above his wife, and above Islam. These are signs to be wary of in a man if he is not on the right path. I will make dua for you both. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 May 2015 at 5:46am
| Sister, salaams and welcome! I agree with your sentiment that you don't deserve this type of behavior from your husband. Please allow me to offer my sincere advise under the circumstances you have put forward. If possible, have a meeting with his family and your parents and make the discussion as unemotional as possible, but speak frankly. Ask if there is any history of depression with their son, or anything they may offer to explain his behavior. Let them know you are doing your best to be supportive, however it will require an effort on everyone's part. You may also want to begin, as I'm sure you already have, to focus on life without him. Even though this is painful and humiliating, as your marriage is so new,this has not been of your choosing. Don't make the mistake of running behind that which Allah, in His wisdom, has removed from you. Take care of your health during these troubled times, eat balanced, exercise and busy yourself with personal hobbies and maybe enroll in school. Know that we wish you well and are praying for some reasonable and logical explanation for your husband's actions, and that together the both of you can move pass these dark days, or separate in kindness and find happiness elsewhere. |
Posted By: anon99
Date Posted: 17 May 2015 at 10:30am
| JZK for the responses. |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 11:40am
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I have a different take on this problem. I suspect that he is scared of the responsibilities of being a husband and he misses his 'freedom'.
Also ask him straight if he is a homosexual. ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 8:52pm
O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, for some suspicion is a grave sin (liable to God�s punishment) Quran 49:12 The Prophet (saw) said; �Beware of assumptions, for assumption is the falsest of speech, and do not be inquisitive, and do not spy upon one another, and do not vie with one another, and do not envy one another, and do not hate one another, and do not shun one another; be fellow-brothers and slaves of Allaah.� Bukhari |
Abu Loren wrote:Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 24 May 2015 at 5:32am
How is that an assumption you eediot. ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 May 2015 at 8:01am
| Abu Loren in our faith we don't seek after the sins of others asking them to reveal that which Allah has concealed. If a person has enough shame to sin in secret and not bring it forth into the open, then we think good of him, and his weakness and transgressions are between him and his Lord. Therefore, based on what our sister has said about her husband, it would be woefully inappropriate for her to ask if he is homosexual, as well as for you to suggest likewise. |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 25 May 2015 at 10:55am
I don't know where you are coming from. In these modern times this is a great problem for Muslims. It is better to be open and honest than living a lie. ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 25 May 2015 at 2:41pm
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Well generally speaking sin is,and will always be, ubiquitous, however that doesn't justify suspension of proper Islamic etiquette. In other words, if a man's wife is a few hours late from school or work, would it be appropriate to think the very worse and foul scenario simply because 'in these modern times this is a great problem for Muslim.' I'd say that would be a recipe for many broken homes, and possibly broken bones as well.
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Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 11 December 2015 at 10:22pm
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Abu Loren,
Please use good Language. You are assuming that he could be homosexual. you have no right to call someone Ediot. Abu Aisha is a respected member and we really respect him for the sensible advise he gives. Please mind your language. |
Posted By: Salmanc
Date Posted: 14 December 2015 at 7:33am
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Asalamoalikum, I just wanted to add my 2pence worth...
It sounds like he was not mature enough to handle a relationship that requires his attention and communication throughout. This has nothing to do with age, its to do with experiences and an acceptance of your situation in life that you are in at that minute. If a person doesn't want to listen, it can means a number of things: - arrogance - inferiority - (maybe ones own situation, seeing others, seeing friends) - feeling trapped (freedom issues) - feeling like he hasn't fulfilled his life "wants" and got married too early - Something personal that he doesn't want you to know about (health, his desire toward someone, the position he feels he is in life, depression etc etc) Sometimes people are EXCEPTIONALLY good at hiding their inner most thoughts and use things to mask it - cleaning obsessively, going to the gym obsessively etc. Being attractive is a two way thing, its not one way. In fact it is incumbent for a man to look presentable to his wife in marriage, the same as it is for a woman. But it doesnt sound like he is really hammering away at his body to look nice for you. The best thing you can do in my opinion is to sit him down by himself and let him talk about how he feels about things - the marriage, whats holding him back and sometimes you have to take the role of a psychologist to really understand his problem without answering with a solution there and then. Then once this is done, making sincere dua to Allah SWT to change the heart of your husband and make him more loving and aware, and asking your parents to do the same will help. If that doesn't then you need to escalate the situation to parents and get them involved properly. JazakAllah |