How do I tell my future husband know I was raped?
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Topic: How do I tell my future husband know I was raped?
Posted By: Sarh777
Subject: How do I tell my future husband know I was raped?
Date Posted: 12 March 2014 at 4:10pm
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As salamu Alaikum everybody....
This is the first time I am posting such a question in a forum. More than an year back, I was sort of seeing this guy (he is my friend's brother). It was not a relationship. I knew he liked me and I sort of liked him back. One day I was at their place and my friend asked him to drive me home. I agree I was to blame as well for not standing up strong, but I guess I was a little afraid to disappoint him and he... manipulated me towards closeness and then he ended up date-raping me. Why would I say rape? I clearly told him I don't want to have intercourse and he promised me he will not go that far. However, he lied and before I knew he was forcing himself into me. (Sorry this is so graphic). I refused to see him again afterwards and I became chronologically suicidal. I started going to counsellors behind the backs of my parents but I never told them the real reason for my suicidal tendencies (because they would have known I am Muslim and I didn't know how to put it... ). After one year I am doing much better now, but I am scared... I am 21 now and in the future when I will want to get married or someone will propose to me, how do I let him know that I am not a virgin....? I am ashamed, very ashamed. I had promised that I will not let a man close to me again (even if I am in love with him), and Alhamdulillah, I have lived upto that. I even distanced myself from males.... but I don't know what to tell my future husband...? I fear what if he wants to leave me? Please don't be judgmental. I have made a huge mistake and I do regret it and repent about it and cry at nights every now and then..... I am sorry and I want to make it right. (sometimes i feel I don't have the full blame, because I clearly told him not to take it far cause I want to save it for marriage. But my fault was to let him get close in the first place and the guilt kills me... ) Any advices will be very appreciated. Jazakallahu Khairan... |
Replies:
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 13 March 2014 at 8:18am
| Once you have sincerely asked Allah to forgive you, and do not repeat what you have done, you're good to go. No need to feel guilty, because you have repented. No need to tell anyone. Admit nothing, and deny any accusation. Never tell your husband or anyone else. Consider yourself a pure virgin. It is a blessing that you are now doing much better, so don't allow a mistake made years ago spoil your future. All the best! |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 13 March 2014 at 1:47pm
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Greetings Sarh, I can never imagine advising lying. What a burden to carry a secret for all your life. This is not conducive to mental health. Having to always live with the fear that in a vulnerable moment, or in any other way, the truth may come out... what then? Do not carry the burden of lies. They always have a way of coming out, and for as long as they do not, you must live with the fear that they may. God would never want you to carry such a burden. It is in Truth that we are set free, and we are only as sick as our secrets. Keeping secrets indeed makes a person sick in all ways, mind, body, soul. Will your husband forgive you for your lie if the truth comes out after a marriage? What is this likely to do to the marriage... to trust between you? Trust must be in the foundation of any marriage. Better to give him the honest way... the choice to accept this thing that has happened, or to not. You were vulnerable and some jerk of a guy took advantage of your innocence. He knew exactly what he was doing, while you were simply too trusting. Do not put blame on yourself. It is also unlikely that your husband will be totally innocent and there may be things you will be excusing in his behavior, so why should he not be able to excuse you as well? Honesty is the basis of respect and trust, and trust is the basis of marriage. My heart goes out to you and I pray, and believe, that God will send a partner for you one day... one who will have empathy, and not condemnation, for how you were taken advantage of. Salaam and blessings to you, Caringheart ------------- Let us seek Truth together Blessed be God forever "I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 13 March 2014 at 7:40pm
| From among the teachings of Allah's Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one's honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night. The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee] |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 13 March 2014 at 8:56pm
Greetings abuayisha, This is why I do not believe that you follow the same God that I follow. This teaching of yours goes against what Yshwe(known as Jesus) taught. I would ask the question... how well does keeping your secrets serve in freeing you from your sins? Or doesn't keeping your secrets really only serve to keep you in bondage to those sins, having to keep them forever hidden? There is a difference, I agree, between 'boasting of sins', and regretting, confessing, and repenting from sins. But only in Truth, and in telling the truth, are we ever truly free from the bondage laid upon us by our past mistakes and sins. asalaam and blessings, CLynn ------------- Let us seek Truth together Blessed be God forever "I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis |
abuayisha wrote:Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 14 March 2014 at 8:52am
| With all due respect Caringheart, this isn't the proper thread for theological debate. |
Posted By: Sarh777
Date Posted: 15 March 2014 at 6:19pm
Assalaumu alaikum! JazakAllah Khair for your kind reply! I understand how my sins or past mistakes should be between me and Allah swt only... but my fear lies on the fact that if I don't tell my future husband beforehand that I am not a virgin, he will find out anyways. And this is what worries me and confuses me about my future actions.... |
Posted By: Sarh777
Date Posted: 15 March 2014 at 6:22pm
Thank you so much for your sympathetic and kind reply! I appreciate it with all my heart. I do understand what you're saying.... and to be honest, I would rather tell him the truth and start a new life, instead of feeling scared. What hurts me is the thought that he might not understand...and hold it against me... even though, going down that road was never my intention. |
Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 16 March 2014 at 9:13pm
| Walecum As Salaam, Allah is most merciful n forgiving.it is good u hv repented, pray to Allah constantly and have taqwa in Sha Allah will solve ur problem bcoz Allah says if u fear Allah, Allah will provide help from unimaginable sources (ch 65 v 2-3). |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 March 2014 at 7:48am
How do you imagine he will find out without you telling him? And once you tell him, know that you will be subjected to a detailed deposition, which frankly speaking, is none of his business. It is a knowledge that does not benefit and only harms. |
Posted By: Sarh777
Date Posted: 19 March 2014 at 12:04am
This sounds graphic and my apologies.. but my hymen is not there, which means I will not bleed anymore the first time it happens with my husband.... what do I do then? Lie about my hymen? |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 20 March 2014 at 9:18pm
| Educate yourself regarding the hymen and bleeding. Once you have done this you will know that won't be an issue. He will never know you're not a virgin unless you unwisely volunteer this information. |
Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 03 April 2014 at 1:08am
| Assalamalecum,I think u shud tell ur husband, bcoz one day or the other he will know.have faith in Allah n tell ur husband the truth. |
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 11 January 2015 at 4:55pm
| as salaamoalaikum sister. I agree 100 percent with Abuyisha. No one knows if you are a virgin. Just like no one knows if a man is a virgin. You need to educate yourself about the hymen. A hymen can grow back. It can easily get broken even if you fall off a bicycle. If you make love with your husband, and you do not bleed it does not mean that you are not a virgin. Caringheart is not a muslim and so therefore, she will give you advise that is from what she thinks Christianity is. So please be careful with taking advise on these forums. You may make a huge mistake by telling him that you were rape. |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 13 January 2015 at 7:10am
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Greetings Lady, I think it is interesting that you think that a Christian can not give good advice in matters of life. I would never think that a muslim could not offer me good advice in matters of life. asalaam and blessings, Caringheart ------------- Let us seek Truth together Blessed be God forever "I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis |
Posted By: Ron Webb
Date Posted: 13 January 2015 at 8:51am
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As abuayisha has noted, this isn't a good thread to get into a theological debate, and please note Sarh777 that I am not a Muslim; but I think there are a couple of more relevant questions that others may want to address: 1. What would a good Muslim man do if his prospective bride told him that she had been raped? 2. If he is not a good Muslim man, should you really want to marry him? Perhaps this will be a test, for both of you. If the two of you can get past this, then your marriage should be solid and lasting. If not, then maybe it's just as well. At any rate, I think everyone agrees that there is no need for shame. At worst you made a mistake (which we all do), and you learned from it (which many of us unfortunately don't). So that's a good thing.  Although I hope that what you learned was to avoid compromising situations where you have little or no control, rather than avoiding men altogether. Most men are not like that.------------- Addeenul �Aql � Religion is intellect. |
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 13 January 2015 at 7:29pm
| Ch, I have a lot of Christian friends and friends from other religions. I have family who are Christian. But from the beginning u have been cunning so therefore she needs to be careful of taking advise from u. I am sure u picked your id to match the opposite of your true motives. |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 14 January 2015 at 8:17pm
Greetings Lady, Wow. I am really sorry that you have such an impression of me... that is not me at all. I picked the name Caringheart, because I have a very caring heart, for all people. I would think that that shows through, but apparently not to you. Very sorry to know that. My only advice was what a bad idea it is to try and live with lies... lies only enslave us to trying to remember never to reveal those lies... it is a snare and a trap of the devil. The only way to live free is to live honest... it is in the truth that we are set free... from everything... pain of the past, enslavement of the future. asalaam and blessings to you, Caringheart note: Do you disagree with these statements; "Honesty is the basis of respect and trust, and trust is the basis of marriage." because if you do I would be interested to know. Shukran and salaam. ------------- Let us seek Truth together Blessed be God forever "I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 10 February 2015 at 7:47pm
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Like Lady said previously, I will have to agree with AbuAyesha. When a slave sincerely repents for the sin, and resolves never to repeat we should think that the most forgiving and merciful Lord has forgiven this person. It is only the sins for which we have not repented that we should worry, because if not in this life, then sure on the day of judgement our sins will be exposed in public and we will be humiliated and punished. As for those which we have seeked His sincere forgiveness, we should have good hopes from Allah that He will keep them concealed and not have us humiliated in this world or the next. The only thing that I worry is - although there is no way a husband can tell if she was a virgin or not, the woman may feel uncomfortable when a man approaches her for intimacy. It is not easy to delete the experience of a rape from the memory file. Many rape victims experience problems in thier sexual lives later. If that happens she might want to or her counselor may advise her to disclose this to her partner. I learnt this through a book on relationships. It was advised that if the wife had been physically abused in the past, and this bothers her if or when her husband wants intimacy, she should tell him - they even advised her to ask him to stop and he will, if he is a good man. I think if the poster thinks she can handle the moments of intimacy without becoming uncomfortable she can just not tell him anything, otherwise, its not a good idea. ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |