Assalam Alaikum Sisters,

I have a question thats been dwelling in my head ever since i got married which was a year, 2 months and 23 days ago(yea still counting *smirk*) Alhumdulillah. My husband is the only son inthe family but has 3 other sisters-all married. One with four kids, one with 2 kids and one just got married MashaAllah.

Now, his parents right now, live alone with my husbands grandmother. When my husband and I got married, they told my husband that there would be no pressure on him to live with them. They asked us to take some space and live seperate. Primarily, because my sister-in-laws were against the idea that their brother live with his parents with his wife so soon after marriage(the eldest sister having  had some bad experiences of a joint family system due to which she so strongly urged that her brother move out). Now the sisters live in different countries but come to vist perhaps once or twice a year.When they do they visit, they stay anywhere between 4-6 months.A large chunk of it is in the summer. The last sister left, not even a month ago I think and my husbands parents have told us straight up to move in with them. I found that kind of sad. I love my apartment and love my privacy. I love his parents too but don't I have a right to my own lil home?. I goto school and am in a very intense course so I can't visit them as often as I used to and we live 12-15 mins away from them. But I see them on the weekends. My husband is very understanding MashaAllah and he understands my concerns. But I feel bad that I am making it a little difficult for him. I feel like he might crack under the pressure.He's a very kind-hearted man and wants to keep everyone happy. WE had discussed this before and I told him how i felt. I told him I would like a house of my own and a house next to us would be his parents.. Is that ..i dont know, not nice? I feel and i know that he feels, that his parent smight take offence to that although i thinkt here is nothing to get offensive about. They know they have grandchildren adn daughetrs that come over and no matter what anyone says, a daughter in law kind of does unintentionally get left out. Noone is to blame for it. I understand. But I really want to have a  family that i can raise under MY kitchen. Am i being selfish? I really need some advice. Im so confused. My mother in law keeps stressing whenever she does tlakabout this,that we could buy alarger house and all liev in one and my husband and I can take the 'entire basement' to ourselves. Pardon me, but am i to raise a family in the basement? My father in law does have some heart conditions that are stable right now and my mother in law has a knee problem that she takes care of but other than that they are ok, they do their groceries and walk and go places and everything.

Please sisters if you have any advice, please lend me some, i need it.InshaAllah a solutionw ill come about often, but I just need something ot get me by right now.

sister if you really want to keep the peace, DON'T move in with your in-laws... and that is my advice.

salam amah

Alhumdullilah so far I havent moved in with them. But it seems like only a matter of time before I will have to. The heavy load I had last semester has calmed down because I had to drop out. My husband didnt approve of what I was doing (I was studying dental hygiene and now am in a program that he thinks is mroe appropriate for women, but this is another topic!). Anyway, My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september. I am going to school also and I will graduate inshaAllah a year before him. I am angry with him for asking me knowing his mother-who isnt an evil woman but likes everything under her control- and I dont know if I can live with them. He says he will borrow money from his dad to pay for school so he doesnt have to take interest loans and pay him back after he is done with school. I think he should borrow a little more, since Allah knows his father can afford it- for our living seperately. In the meantime, I have also gotten a job and told him I will work my way thru school and it wont be that bad. I have found a decent really cheap place for the summer thru a friend and the rent is unbeatable but my husband seems reluctant. Its almost as if he has decided that we will live with his parents. His parents are visiting one of the daughters right now overseas and will be back first week of May. Allah knows, when they come back it will be another test as they will be depressed and will miss their grandkids. I dont know if I can handle that. We visit them alot , every other day atleast if not everyday. I thought that was a good thing because that way they feel we are close and visit them alot and they wont ask us to move in. His parents said they will go again in August and come back in January of 07 but I find that hard ot believe. I dont think it will happen and I dont want to live with them for that long. My husband said that if this is the case we will live in their house till they are gone and after hajj (which his parents plan on doing) move out and live seperate. I just think this will be difficult as they will get used to us living with them and he is the only son. I dont see how we will be able to move out again.I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

I cannot say which is the right way for you to go, but I can say this: it will be a lot more difficult for you to move out again once you are living with his parents than it will be not to move in at all. Once something is done, it has a way of staying that way unless both parties want to change it, and from what you are saying, I don't think your husband will want to change the living arrangements once you are moved in.

May Allah help you with this test.

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh

My dear sister Rashidr... It is very true that to live with our husbands away from the fathers in law offers to us freedom and privacy, but also it is true that our duty as wives is to support our husbands when they more need us. Your husband needs to save money for his studies, he has not prevented you from studying till now, why cannot you give now to him this benefit?...

As you have told us, he is a good man, and I am sure Allahu a3laam he doesn't want anything bad to you, as I am sure he should be stressed realizing that you are not showing the best of the happiness with this situation.

My best advice dear sister is to try and find the best solution for to get the best of the living with your fathers in law, anyway insha'allah it will be a certain time, this way you will make your husband happy and you will be happy as well.

My sis you are still young and maybe you can learn many things from your mother in law, try to find the best of this, sometimes bad things just happen, no reason, no purpose, Allah [swt] is who knows better, these things just occur and we are left to pick up the pieces the best we can. Al7amdulelah at least you are having a place where to live at, just think about those whom cannot find a good place where to remain.

But the most important my sister... Love is complicated full of sacrifice and compromise, but you know? this is the best part... the best women for Allah [swt] are those whom obey their husbands and make them happy.... I am sure your husband will be so happy if you try to help him in this issue, and later he will be grateful and he will show you gratitude for such sacrifice of yours.. as i said.. this is the best part bcz you will get rewards for all this insha'allah... just think about it!!

amah wrote: another thing, women are expected to obey and even give up their rights, but nobody tells men to give their wives their rights and keep her happy. Women always get a raw deal.... Wish men would strive to be like our dear prophet (saw)

Yes, you and I both.  Now, I see why women are the majority of the folks in the hellfire.

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

Sister amah, I am sorry to hear that, i respect your point of view bcz you have lived into a hard situation, but this doesn't mean that all inlaws are like that, and the objetive here is to help our sister trying to find the best solution.

About your statement.. "women are expected to obey and even give up their rights, but nobody tells men to give their wives their rights and keep her happy. Women always get a raw deal"..........we as women must not lose our rights, but we ourselves are who must preserve them. 

Why instead of sitting down waiting for someone who tells to the men how to preserve our rights, don't we make anything by our own?
 
The spouses have mutual rights, sometimes our mistake is to wait  that the man behave in a correct way, but as wives we are who encourage them to be the best husbands... The Believers - men and women - are allies and protectors, one to another.� [ 9:71] we can find the best husband and the best man respecting our rights if we do the same to them... there is an ayah saying... Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity [24:26]

Each time you please your husband or fulfill his rights you draw closer to his heart. Most husbands view their wives who handle their needs as a sign from the signs of love. So do not be heedless of your obligations regarding him and be mindful when he requests them from you.

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

I think you are who didn't get my point, anyway Allahu a3laam... May Allah bless you and guide us all ameen...

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh

Amah, i meant non muslimahs... Few days back I got into a conversation with some women, they were arguing about "freedom". Sometimes they think that to be muslimah and to "obey" our husbands means submission, to lose our rights, or to stop being women. This is what i meant, please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that ALL the women are like that, but most of them, unfortunately many women now a days forgets about the best way how to keep a happy marriage, how to behave as a good wife, how to support her husband, how to care her children, how to preserve herself as woman, etc etc.

They think that to have conversations with men, strangers doesn't mean anything, they think that we are fanatic because we prevent ourselves of doing this, They think that to go out with friends, to dance with other men doesn't mean anything, this is what i meant.. we as muslimahs cannot request to our husband this kind of freedom, first because there is not such a term "freedom" and second because we know this only can lead us to 7aram things. We as muslimah wives must care about many things, and for sure our husbands must do the same, again.. as i stated above "The spouses have mutual rights".

Clarifying my point of view.....We as women should support our husbands, help them, encourage them, they can be good if we are good, they can respect our rights if we give them the way, if now our sister needs to face a complicated situation with her inlaws, for the sake of her husband she should accept his request, anyway he is not asking her to fight in Iraq or to throw herself from a 5th floor, probably for some of you to live with the fathers inlaw it means this tho. lol. But the point is that with this she is showing him her love, and in the future he will be grateful. In the end this is the best reward, to get good deeds and to be loved by her husband.... aren't you agree with me?

Insha'Allah you can get what I mean... Barallahu feekon..

Bismillah,

From what I've seen of in-laws, no, you're not right Mexi.  We have let the men run all over us, especially the converts, because they give us their twisted, self-benefitting view of things as people will do.  The facts are very different from what a lot of guys tell their sweethearts. 

The facts are that if you don't set clear boundaries around your Islaamic rights, then people will take them away or just ignore that they exist. 

This man needs to discuss what his wife wants WITH her, not dictate what he thinks is best and then expect her to jump to and get with HIS program. 

 A marriage works best when you have partners who are garments for each other, not when you have a big heavy trying to be the overcoat smothering the breath out of the silk pajamas!  Please don't advise a sister to give up her rights as if it were a noble thing to do.  It's noble for her to know her rights and obligations and fulfill BOTH of them.

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

My dear sister herjihad first of all May Allah grant you strong eman today and always ameen...

I didn't say that she has to give up her rights subhana'allah, i just spoke thru what she said, her husband cannot give her another thing for now, they can get some benefits living at his parents home, they can save money, they can get many things.. insha'allah khair... My point is only to show support to our husbands in any bad situation if this doesn't lead us thru something bad; to support, to encourage doesn't mean to loose rights. I never said this and i never meant it.. Allahu a3laam..

Anyway, i think the best is to let our sister to choose the best for her and we only can make du3a for her ...

Sister Rishadr May Allah help you and guide you giving you and enlightening you for to take the best decision and way how to deal with this situation. ameen ya rab... 

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

Al7amdulelah sister Amah.. may He for Whos Sake you love me Love you too .... 

May Allah bless you and grant you strong eman and all of us ameen ya rab

Assalam u alaikum Sisters,

Thank you to all the sisters  for all the advice. Its soooo wonderful to know that there are so many women out there who  understand my dilemma.Thing is I disagree with Mexi and many other women who say that you should live with in-laws to pleaese your husband. One thing Mexi: My husband told me straight up when I was married that I will not be allowed to goto school unless I had scholarships or grants. If he had to pay and he couldnt or if I had loans then there was no way I could goto school. Alhumdulillah Allah helped me and I got a few scholarships and alot of grants Alhumdulillah. Second thing: My mother in law spoils her son like crazy. For example if we are at a gathering and he asks ME to get him food, she jumps up and before I can say or do anything immediately asks him what he wants and then will go get it herself even if she knows he requested it from me. She doesnt even look at me or give me the right of being the wife who gets her husband food! Little things like that that I have overlooked for so long because I thought 'O! it's ok, atleast I have a home I can go back to after this and I'm not going home with her'. Yes it's true that my husband will not have much money when he is going to school, but Allah always makes a way if we have intention of doing the right thing. His parents have mashaAllah alot of money. Moneyy that he will take to study anyway witht he intention of returning it WITHOUT interest to HIS parents. It's not like there is no way to provide for a little aprtment that doesnt cost too much at all especially with me working, I don't care for fancy things or materialistic cars.I m asking for a small studio where we can lay on the ground and sleep at night in peace and I can wake up to my own kitchen and my own bathroom without being asked what he wants for breakfast or when HE will come back. Itts true, I know my mother in law will never get in my business, like ask me anything about me, but my husbands business is MY business insnt it?If she is constantly asking me when he is coming back from class, getting him food, doing his laundry, talking to him and not so much to me and literally getting our business out of him because he is HER SON, throwing parties and expecting me to be there and not just that but help HER prepare them, then this is not fair. I believe Allah gave women this one right to  live seperately for a reason.Not everybody has good intentions and that includes mothers in law.Everytime she does something I dont like, she KNOWS.She knows I will be upset, she knows I will ask my husband about it. I am not asking my husband anything he cannot do, sometimes I feel it is ok to push alittle.I try my best to make him happy.I never have put school or anything else over him. I am not asking even now, for anything he CANNOT provide, he just needs to be pushed because if I dont then he will take it easy. Ofcourse if the option is paying some moeny and NO money in rent, and if I take it easy and tell him' o its ok we'll live at the parents house' then OFCOURSE he will take this option.Sometimes the wife has to push, and every woman knows her husbands capabilities and what he can and cannot do. I believe that this wont be this easiest thing in the world especialy when we are both full tiem students, but he has to remeber that he married me FIRST and went to school AFTER which puts him in a situation where his priorities as a spouse should be given the highest preference.He cannot forget his responsibilities.Yes, it would make HIS LIFE easier financially but MY life much MUCH harder family wise. When I have given him his rights of going to bed with him whenever he wants, serving him hot food and taking care of his belongings and his clothes then he can and should do this for me. One more thing, his mother still continues to meet with and associate with the girl he was very close to marrying before me KNOWING that I dislike this.My mother knows this hurts me, and this should not be taken so lightly because this other woman was THIS close to having sex with my husband, how can you expect any wife to overlook this?

 My husband and this woman were very cllose and i run in the same circles as her, i should not have to put up with this but I do for the sake of my husband because  whenever I have said anything it has caused a fight between my husband and me. Knowing all this, should i not ask for an apartment -no matter how run down since i dont care about that -for some peace of mind? My husband doesnt have the gutts to tell his parents that I willd o certain things my way because I am different from his mother. He cannot say this now when we do live seperate, I know he wont say it for sure if we live with them. drawing boundaries is very important, and helps alot and I believe I am doing just that by asking for my place.

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh....

Subhana'allah... sister Rashidr.. first of all..., if I wrote everything what till now you have read, and if my opinion was "so submissive" it was because from the beginning you never expressed the problems that you had with your mother in law as you did now, you didn't say openly the way she was behaving of, get sure that if from the beginning you had said everything what you have said, I had been the first one in advising you to ask your husband looking for a place away of your inlaw.

You said..>>>>>>

My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september.

I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?

With this I could understand, if he was asking to live with his parents, probably because it was not feasible for him to pay a department after quit the work; this is what i got with your statement my dear sister, I didn't mean that your husband is not capable to do something more... Some men just cannot understand that we women can work and support them with money, YES we can help them but this just with time and talking with them, only with this they will or MIGHT understand it... or maybe they won't even after some years married. Why? bcz this is their nature, and I was thinking that if he asked you to move to his parents it was bcz maybe he didn't want you working or doing some other things... ALLAHU A3LAAM... I think you got my point....

Also..I don't know where is your husband from... bcz this have repercussions on the way as he thinks and so much in the way as his mother spoils him, so just check this out..

Again and AGAIN!! for you and for all those sisters who were hung of the roof on having heard my point of view... My idea is to support our husbands in all that we can, OBVIOUSLY without losing the rights that as wives and women we have. I hold my idea, I know that it is very difficult to live with the fathers in law, it is very difficult to handle the situation that you have told us, but if for my husband there is no another way, I wouldn't think about another thing that to try to enjoy the party in peace with my fathers in law, to be more intelligent than my mother in law and to act in a correct way making them all  satisfied.

But this is my point of view..... and if you said, your husband can face and deal with expensives, and he can understand that you will work and help him then goahead and go for it...

In any decision my sister i am sure all the sisters over here will support you and for sure we will make du3a for you...

May Allah guide you and help you with this hard situation, make your husband understand what you are expecting for ameen.

Salam 'alaikum sister mexi,

I'm sorry i didn't explain the situation properly. I would still like to stress that his mother is good in the ways that she never probes me for answers or tells me to do something or gets into my business. she is good like that because she had major probpems with her own mother in law and because my husband's father is my maternal uncle. (My mothers brother) My husband is from pakistan and he was born and raised in Michigan. I was born and raised in Dubai and I never had grandparents that lived with us so i never knew how it was to live together although i never favored it or found it attractive. My mother was lucky i n this regard. This does not mean she had any fewer problems with her in laws. My husband's mother has pretty much always lived with her inlaws and I have heard terrible stories about her problems with my husbands grandmother (who is also my grandmother, my maternal grandmother). Sometimes i feel my mother in law has taken onthe characteristics of my grandmother (my grandmother in her younger days) and kind of takes some of her bitterness out on me. She thn ks because she was treated so badly, it's ok if i'm treated a little badly. This statement she has not exactly refuted when my husband asked her about this on a particulary hurtful occasion when she did something and a fact that my father-in law himself told us. So it is a testful time for me right now. I have heard good news from my husband that we will inshallah live seperate during the summer because I found a really good deal with a friend on campus at school. But Fall is a seperate issue. Inshaallah i'm hoping and praying really hard that he will see how beneficial this is to us himself. One of his sisters is coming back from her trip to Egypt and she is coming staying with her parents for a while. When i heard this, i thought- What if we lived there too? It would be soo  inconvenient even though i love his sister dearly and she is my first cousin. Its hard for parents not to show mmuch more affection to their daughters, especially married youngest daughters. But i donot hold this agsinst them becaus emy parents do the same thing although my brother is not yet married. I do thin k about this when he will be married and i tell my mother now that she has to be fair to her daughter in law because i am a duaghter in law and I know how it feels.So inshaAllah, please pray for me and this time. It is difficult but i am certain that InshaAllah Allah will make things easier. Inshaallah.  It is important to rember that as soon as we start walking away from Allah's laws, that's when we run into trouble and then we complain:)