Potatoes? Really?

 

O.K. If he is refusing to talk to you because of the way you cut the potatoes then he is definitely being a jerk.

 

Perhaps it's an Iranian thing. Maybe in Iran a wife is judged by her potato prowess. It doesn't matter how pious, kind, intelligent or beautiful she is, just how well she peels a spud....

 

we have been in Ramadhan, so please try to talk with your husban even if he is the one wrong. Muslim people should not stay angry with each other for more than 3days, did u know that?

 

I have recenlty listened to a bayaan, in which the maulana said, that men should not talk badly with their wifes, our prophet treated is wifes with kindness. If we as women do something that is wrong or unpleasant to them, they should talk kindly to us and make us understand that what we did was wrong, or unpleasant and they prefer things some other way.

 

Our religion is one...so there are no iranians, arab, english...we are all musslim, our roots are the same.

 

The problem with food is a very common problem, but men react in diffrent ways...

 

When you unplease him, patiantly say "i'm sorry", "how do u prefer me to do this?", "ok, do u anyone who cooks this the way u like, i will be pleased to learn""or call your mum, i'll talk to her, maybe she can explain how she cooks this or that"...

 

If still then he treats you badly or unkindly, he is in great sin and Allah will punish him. Talk to him as a grown up, u know men normally act very much like children and are childish by nature, expecting us to do things just like their mum's do. You need to explain him that u are not his mother, but you can learn few stuff just to please him because u love him. tell him that what he is doing is hurting u, and u didnt expect this from him as u are trying your best...talk, communicate..if he is a hard person to talk with ..then write him..tell him about your feelings...and make duaa for Allah to grant him knowledge to see his mistakes...

 

If he is behaving in an unproper way with u or unusual, ask him if he has a problem...if anything is wrong...

 

Men have certain obligations or duties towards women as well as these latter have towards them. Maybe he needs to understand that, each one of you have duties towards your marriage and need to help each other so you can live happily and educate your children, and be in society as husband and wife.

 

there are a million people who don't have food that certainly would eat with both hands what you cook...it's really a misbehaviour to reject food or complaint instead of making alhamdulilah...

 

My husband only liked his mum's food. So i learned a couple things with her to cook for him. He didn't like spaghetti. He didn't like because he never ate it, or never ate it the proper way of cooking it...and he refuse to taste it...One day i cooked for me and something else 4 him, and i insisted by feeding him with love in his mouth, i told him just to try...believe me that nowadays he only likes my spaghetti, and he will ask for it at least once in a week...he still doesn't like veggies, but slowly, he will...

 

I didn't know how to cook b4 getting married, as i was always busy with my studies...i learned two dishes with my in laws, and started to cook alone, with my own ideas or watching tv, creating new stuff...but there is always something that they like as their mums cook...its mummy's taste!we as women also like certain things that only our mum's know to do best.

 

mum's are the best cook always!

Don't give up in ur marriage and on you! Communicate, try...cry in front of him if u need to express urself, but keep on trying.

 

Hope to hear from u soon.

Salams and eid mubarak

 

Porn and potatoes..... hmmmmm. I don't want to joke about this because it is very serious to you, but you have to admit there are about a thousand jokes just waiting to be told...

 

Obviously something is going on in his head and until you find out what it is things will probably stay the same or get worse. IF you really want to know what it is then you might have to go to an Imam or third party for help. You should be prepared for the consequences though.

 

I agree with Hayfa, if a man yelled at me for chopping potatoes well, those taters would have ended up somewhere and not necessarily chopped.

 

If it were me, I think I would be focusing a little less on him and more on whether or not I wanted to be married to a man who refused to talk to me for 6 days over something so petty.  I know you are confused and trying to figure out what is going wrong, but just stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is what YOU want.

 

Seriously though, this often happens with husbands. Their expectations of the wife are too high. Imagine how this husband would feel if the sister told him how useless he was in some areas. I expect he would demand a divorce.

 

Men are often cruel...it's an ego thing...hang what religion they come from. Women act upon heart feelings...most like to please their man. Men are different. Just today I was talking to a man who is facing the prospect of being seperated from his wife for some time. His answer to that? Well, he was going to take another wife as he is a 'man' and can;t live without sex!

I don't understand this attitude at all. HIs wife, as does the sister who posted this has my sympathy.

 

Seems men find women disposable...and then move on to another wife. Or keeps the existing wife and makes her feel useless.  Men..who needs them, lol.

Salaams,

You are quite right brother.  Who really knows what is going on. But she believes what she believes...

Lol, Christians and muslims also behave like married couples at times don't you agree? Sad we do not allow ourselves to be more gentle with eachother.

Let's hope this sister is able to resolve her problems soon.

BUt I hope for her sake this husband of hers isn't a jerk. Maybe his parents didn't teach him very well how to deal with other people. Who knows...

 

 

 

Even if there is a reasonable explanantion for why he is unhappy with her potato paring skills, there is usually no good explanantion for why a newly married( or not so newly married) Muslim man is watching pornography on his pc.

 

I personally can't think of a valid reason for this, no matter whose side of the story it is. And it's insult to injury to be doing so during Ramadan.

 

Might there be some misunderstanding as to what actually are

"adult videos"? I certainly understand them to be porno, however another culture may see "R" rated as "adult video", which clearly it is not.  Hey, just for the sake of argument anyway. 

 

My motto: float like a butterfly, land like a sack o'potatoes.......

Walaikum assalaam.

I don't think the sister in question is particularly wanting to fight with her husband. How can she fight if he doesn't talk or respond to her? Of course men are not perfect, neither are women, but this husband seems to hide stuff from his wife ie watching porn...so one has to wonder what else he hides too.

 

Regarding the potatoes..normally I would say it is not a big issue...but the husband has made it one and continues to do so. If the sister gives in to him then it is manipulation on his part and he could well find fault in her regarding other issues. She does not have to accept this kind of behaviour from him..but he has to bend a little and not necessarily expect her to do so. Like I say, it seems he wants to control her. It is better for him and their marriage if he laughed off her faults and guides her in an Islamic way. He doesn't appear to be doing that. The sister on the face of it appears to be trying to resolve the concerns...but is unable to as he doesn't speak.

 

I guess why some of us sisters here  give the impression they could never stay with a man like this is because they recognise some unusual behavioral problems with him.As for myself, I had a terrible marriage lasting 6 years where my husband found fault with small things such as food, that led to other stuff and I ended up feeling worthless. Any small thing I bought for the home ( and I mean I bought, not him) he did not like it. It continued to the extent that he found it amusing if I became upset. He manipulated and abused, eventually took all my money and for the sake of my health I had to finish the marriage. It was full of deceit and lies on his part. I am not suggesting this sister's husband is the same, but some of us can see the early signs. And she is being made to feel guilty over something trivial. She at least is trying to be sensible without allowing him to use her as a doormat.

 

The issues really are more than potatoes. And she has not been back here for some days I see. Let us hope the problem is resolved, but many sisters experience this kind of behaviour and come here. Only the 2 people in question know the full story...and we sincerely do support her and hope she makes a go of the marriage, but not if it is going nowhere. She needs to also see the signs and maybe tell us more of her concerns. THen we can get a clearer picture.

 

We have mutual rights over men. This is not my opinion, this is the Word of Allah. Until we Muslim women start to see ourselves as equally deserving of the rights that Allah gave us then we have only ourselves to blame for being treated badly.

 

It is not unIslamic to demand what Allah has said is yours. What is umIslamic is to HAVE TO DEMAND it in the first place. A woman is not being less of a Muslim for wanting to be treated the way that Allah stated women should be treated, a man is being less of a Muslim for refusing to do so.

Shasta'sAunt...what an excellent way of putting it. Clear and to the point. I hope all brothers and sisters that read it get the message loud and clear. I certainly wish I could have put it this way when I was still married instead of my husband managing to get the last word and throw everything back in my face. As muslim wives I think we all try to please our husbands by doing the feminine things. ie look nice, try in all ways to make them smile etc etc. Most of us don;t want upsets and try to do as much as we can to prevent it. BUt often wives experience the same as Salaam123. I don't know why that should be. Lack of Islamic understanding, cultural upbringing(it can be hard to learn something different) or maybe men need to try to understand women more? I really don;t know the answer.

I hope Salaam123 tries to remain positive, but also sort out her problems.

Eid Mubarak to you

The husband here has got to change if the marriage's to work cuz right now he seems to be a hot potato!

 

 

 

What would unconventional adultery be?  You do know there is capital punishment for adultery given the right set of circumstances, and that being the case, is porn really worse? Certainly a case could be made that the porn industry would fall under 'creating fitna in the land' thus making it also a very serious punishable offense, but the guy sitting in front of his computer in privacy at 1:00am when is thinks nobody is watching him can't be in the same category as adulterers and industry pornographers.

 

Conventional adultery - what I meant was private affairs. Porn's publicized affair and its breeding sickos! You know, professional porn's passe and amateur porn's in vogue. And if in professional porn nothing much is taboo, in amateur porn nothing's taboo! And if professional pornstars doing it for money is bad enough, what to say about amateurs doing it for free and many of them unwilling participants, many even unaware they're in it. Worse, its coming out even from the most conservative societies. So that guy sitting in front of his computer in privacy at 1:00am, may probably be one of those numerous and growing number of amateur porn contributing sickos or one of those sick sickos who's degenerated so much even his relatives aint safe from him and low odds he's one of those getting none and onto it to get off and go to sleep.