I've come to hate the culture and way of life in Saudi and I want us all to move to America so we can all be together.  My mother is also getting elderly and will require home care soon and I want to do that for her.

 

My husband refuses to move.  He says he wants his boys raised as arabs.

 

I'm feeling very guilty about my older children and think that I owe to them to try and get this family all together. 

 

What advice can you give me as to what comes first: my obligation to my husband or my obligation to my children?  I believe it is to my children, but I have a hard time thinking that if I leave, I will be leaving my babies as he will not let them come with me and I will be breaking my husband's heart.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

 

 

Welcome ot  the Forum.

 

How old are your older children?

 

I am not sure of any legal ruling persay, but what about Saudi culture do you not like? Changing cultures is a shock to say the least.  Some people find it more challenging than others. I am sure it was hard for your older children.

 

Have you made friends there?

 

Obviously you miss your children. I know parents who send their kids to different countries for different reasons, I know one woman who sent her kids back to Kenya after her teenage niece ended up unwed and pregnant in the states. It makes it hard on families.

 

I am not sure any solution wil lbe completely satisfactory to all. Hard as it is. My Duas for you.

 

Hayfa 

My older children are 16 and 14 years old; the older one is a boy, the younger a girl.  They both are at very sensative ages.

 

We have been here in Saudi for five years and I have made acquaintances, but not friends.  I am not a social person. 

 

What do I not like about Saudi?  Wow, where do I start?  In general, I find the muslims here in a state of "I'm the most important one here" state of mind.  There is a lack of common courtesy.  Everyone here is so quick to judge.  The nature of things occurs in the evening, making the average bed-time around 2 am.  Those that don't work end up sleeping until noon.  The streets are so littered, no one seems to care about their city or the environment.  Its no big deal to be driving, following a car, and watch a plastic bottle go bouncing out the window or entire trash bag full of trash.  I've witnessed price gouging due to the fact that I'm an American.  My husband can walk into a store right after me and ask for the price and we are stunned at just how low they dropped the price for an Arab.

 

I could go on and on, perhaps I should write a book.  But that's not my concern right now.  I just have a guilty feeling inside me about my children and feel I have to act and do something.  I found this inspirational quote this morning and thought wow, this is speaking to me.

 

 

However, in Saudi Arabia there is not entertainment for those who not among the rich and wealthy.  We go to the grocery story and we go home.  There's no money for mall shopping or going out to eat. 

 

My husband has worked six months in the last three years.  I have worked as a teacher to make ends meet and he borrows from his family to meet what ends my paycheck cannot. 

 

Perhaps my problem is bigger than I thought....I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I commend you for your efforts.. really I think becoming a new Muslim and then moving overseas takes actually alot of courage. Saudi Arabia, like all places is quite distinct. It has its own way of doing things and operating.

 

It was interesting, on a related note, I met a woman in Pakistan, when I visited the first time. She was in quite a wealthy family, husband was a doctor and such. I briefly met her and she said it took a long time to make friends. Part of that is culture, but part is also what strata you live in. This is not universal, but most of the time in my travels, its the average people who are down to earth and real. 

 

And I wouldsay its a double challenge as your husband is not Saudi, so both of you are "outsiders" without family to back you up and help you intergrate. It can be a blessing to be on your own so to speak, but it can be lonely as well.  

 

Can you plan at least a visit to your kids as Abuayisha suggested?

 

Living anywhere where you are an outsider is difficult. People are like that, and Muslims should be better but let's face it, they are as human as the next. They can be just as ignorant as anyone else.

 

There are Yemini communities in the west.. and maybe that would be a more suitable compromise.

 

I think you are very strong. You really are.

 

Hayfa

 

People in our financial situation can not just "take a three to six month vacation".  Tickets alone for us would be nearly six thousand dollars because of Ramadan and such.  That wouldn't even include just staple day to day expense coverage.  Its not even an option.

 

I've realized in the last few days that there are no easy answers.  I will have to trust that Allah brought me to Saudi Arabia for a reason and when that part of my journey is over, he will deliver me to the next part.  I can only pray that the next part of my journey will return me to my other children. 

 

May Allah bless all of you that cared enough to take the time to read my posts and for those that responded.  May your fasting and hard-ship during this blessed month be accepted, and insh'allah you will be rewarded.

 

You have given me a warm welcome and I'm so glad I've found some friends I can turn to!

 

Well it is clear he is quite comfortable and no wonder.. he has his family! Well that makes a big difference?

 

So why won't you learn Arabic? I am just curious?  I have thought of living in a forign country, did 4 months in Pakistan and could not imagine not getting more of the basics of the language down... But I guess as you mentioned you are not a social person... so... but if you had a couple of good friends it would make things easier just to have a friend or two to get together with...

 

Me, I've been a Muslim for 4+ years and making Muslim friends is very hard. The culture differences, some subtle and some not so subtle makes it hard. Ramadan is when that is most noticeable, not having a Muslim family.

 

I do think you have alot of inner strength to do what you are doing. Really.

 

I aslo hope that your husband gives you support. Many men just don't get the extraordinary changes you have gone through. When you are raised in a Muslim family, culture etc. you often do not have a clue as to what strength and determination it takes to not only become a Muslim but to then live abroad.

 

I think most of us reverts, to a large extent are on our own. Muslims are not trained, or equiped to guide and help us. How hard it is to be the "outsider." Last weekend I went to Iftar at the masjid and stayed for prayers.. It was highly stressful to do. People come with familes and communities they grew up in the whole feel, and mentality so it is oh-so familiar. We show up, quite lost and the odd sort out.

 

It made me leave at the end, with no urge to return.

 

You are very strong.

 

Hayfa 

Yes the financial constraints are tough. You probably are not going too far too soon.  

 

  http://www.islamicity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13184 - http://www.islamicity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13184

How inspiring! I pray to live in a Muslim country someday. And you are right it is your intentions.. ultimately to try and please Allah.

 

Hayfa

   

Salam to all.  I think a lot of us reverts or converts to Islam have the same problems...no one can relate to us.  Although I have lived in Saudi for 13yrs, I am still basically alone...  Being from Illinois it seems I "gave up" being an American once I took Islam...but I am some what "forgiven" for this once the person knows I spent time in the active Army as an MP in Desert Storm.

 

Americans who are not Muslims have trouble relating to my Islam...we are from the same background, but Islam is a big part of a Muslim's life and the relating stops.  Saudi or other Arabs have an equally hard time relating to us...we have Islam in common, but not the rest...

 

As an American Muslim I have found myself "on the outside looking in" here in Saudi and in the US (lived there for 14mos with my 15 and 13yr old girls).  When I was in the US I could have taken off my hijab and looked like any other Swedish/German woman...but with hijab I am Muslim...another nationality.  I kept my hijab and learned a lot about myself.

 

As new Muslims it took a lot of backbone to change our religion and for many of us to go against not only our culture, but our families as well.  When we are trying to fit in with either the Americans or the Arabic cultures we are not standing on our own and staying strong like we were when we took shahadda.

 

I have talked with many Arabs and their comments are always how "good" new Muslims are and how much they respect us for changing our religion... I would almost say this (more than the different backgrounds) is what blocks the Arabs from making friendships with us...they admire us and set us above them in the Islamic area...wouldn't want us to see them as not such perfect Muslims.  Think of the German who knows English, but refuses to speak it until the American attempts speaking German first...the German doesn't want to be the first to look bad (lived in Bavaria for 3yrs). 

 

I know Saudis judge non-Saudis...there are many ways to deal with this but the one I found works best is to do what my cat did to my Saudi husband...kept going to my husband, lay down next to him and wait for a pat and one day it came.  Be nice to the ones that seem the most judgmental...it drives them crazy and all people are nosey about others, they will eventually either leave you alone, or talk with you and not bother you again. 

 

Not speaking Arabic is a problem. Arabs view a person who doesn't try learning Arabic as stuck-up and putting themselves above the Arab. You don't want to learn, that�s fine, but try meeting in the middle... When the Arab talks to you in Arabic say (just learn one phrase in Arabic to help yourself) your "Sorry, Arabic is very difficult for me.  Do you speak English?" This will go a long way in helping you feel less judged by them.

 

Entertainment...ah, this is a problem.  You can fight against the culture of staying up late/wake up late (can't change it) or just accept that's the way it is. There were things I didn't like about Germany...but once I accepted it I enjoyed the culture there (was the first American beerfrau in the area I lived in). I didn't see where your husband works...if he doesn't work for Aramco or one of the companies that has compounds then life is more difficult, but not insurmountable.  Contact the embassy - see if there are American groups in the area and what is available to you. Now is when you have to think of the pioneers on the prairie...you have to be strong for your kids and find things to keep them busy in the home.  Help them learn a musical instrument if you learned one when you were young (it comes back trust me!), the three of you learn another language [Spanish etc] together, or go for walks on the beach.  Khobar has a nice Science museum...do you have one in your area? 

 

Friends...have you tried contacting Discover Islam in your area?  This group will have other Americans who have become Muslims...ah, finally the common group you were looking for

 

Take it one day at a time and accept you are unique as a new Muslim...we are a separate group and you have to find your friends with us   

 

 

 

 

Asalam Alaikum.....

 

Sr. Asma, wow I like what you had to say.  Not all of it applies to me or my particular situation, but I really appreciate you taking the time writing and acknowledging me and this problem which certainly I'm not the only one who suffers from.

 

I wish life were as easy as you made it sound.  And we all have our problems and issues.  Humdullilah for all that I have and all that Allah is keeping from me, this is his plan.  Insh'allah I will grow from this experience and my family and I will be better for it. 

 

Thanks again.....

 

Asalam Alaikum, welcome to Saudi Arabia.......

 

I can't seem to send you a private message and I can't find your email address.  I do not want to give out my email address through this venue either.  Not sure how to get in touch with each other.  Keep in touch and we'll figure it out!

 

Salams

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