Reversion Rewound

Reversion Rewound

Tracing My Journey to Islam

Picture � Microsoft.com

I also know that, even though everything seems perfect now in my own life, at any time Allah can test and challenge me with tragedy. The Islamic message is a constant reminder to hold myself up, have faith, hope, and courage regardless of what happens. It helps me maintain perspective in life and to never forget the messages, large and small, that led me to follow the Islamic path. This writing is a rewind of my reversion � a stream of consciousness reversion story ex post facto.

2003:  The Dream

In the dreams I have when I sleep at night, I'm always dressed in my headscarf. It has incorporated into my sense of self and into my Muslim identity. I guess this brings new meaning to the term "inner hijab." 

I used to wonder if I would ever feel comfortable, looking so different from the majority of women around me. Now, I can't imagine going out of the house without covering. I have found an enhanced sense of privacy, boundaries, dignity, and security in covering.

Aside from the occasional glare or comment, when I go out of the house I notice that most of the reaction to how I am dressed is either neutral or positive. I have also found that there are many non-Muslims who admire the modesty of the hijab. More doors are opened for me, people allow me to go ahead of them in lines.

Many Westerners are sensitive to the fact that Muslims encounter a high degree of prejudice, and as a result, those people go out of their way to be kind to me. I feel as if women who wear the hijab implicitly command a respect and authority without even intending to, which is perhaps why Allah intended it for us.

I feel as if I wear a uniform from Allah, and this uniform that I have been given is one of the most rewarding freedoms I have in a society where women's physical attributes are flaunted and women are objectified for the pleasure of men.

2002:  Putting on the Hijab

In my apartment I wake up to my radio's alarm before work on a Monday. I've decided for a long time that this American Muslim won't be bullied by the fear of bigotry any longer. I've planned this day very carefully. I'm putting on the hijab. I've struggled with myself, my fears, my weakness, long enough. I know it will be a huge adjustment at first, but eventually I know that it will feel very natural. I just need to be patient and give it time.

My biggest jihad (struggle) is to resist the peer pressure to look like everyone else and to embrace becoming a fully practicing Muslim � to cover with the modesty ordained in Islamic scripture. The first day, I stand in the mirror for 30 minutes, wondering where I should pin my scarf so that it doesn't fall off, slip, or stick out. I'm an eventual pro, flipping it around in a couple of swooshes, pinning it to permanence.

I look in the mirror. I say to myself, "You have wanted to do this ever since you reverted. It doesn't matter how other people judge you. Be stronger. Don't think about hate crimes that could happen to you. You will not be intimidated away from Islam. Remember the martyrdom of Sumayyah bint Khubbat. Fear only Allah."

2001:  Climbing Mosque Mountain

I'm so afraid to go to the masjid, but I know I will have to sometime if I want to increase my Islamic learning. I have no idea what I should wear, but I make sure my arms and legs are fully covered. It doesn't even occur to me that I should wear a scarf.

When I get to the masjid, I am met by a woman who takes me into a room and warmly congratulates me for coming to Islam. She gives me my first hijab and pins it under my chin. Over the next few months she teaches me to pray, invites me to Islamic events so that I can spend time with other Muslims, and helps me adjust to a new culture.

As I begin to feel comfortable with my new Muslim identity, I post an ad for marriage on a Muslim matrimonial site. I have always wanted to create a family, but never thought it could be possible until now. Three months later I marry my husband Hanafi.

My parents, who are divorced, have their reservations. My father and stepmother call it foolish because my actions do not conform to their cultural idea of how marriage should happen, which is attraction, dating, living together, and maybe marriage. We don't speak for a year, but eventually they are willing to accept my new lifestyle. It takes time, but my relationship with my parents becomes as good as, if not better than, it has ever been.

2000:  An Unexpected Book

This weekend, like most weekends, I venture into my local bookstore. I'm holding a cup of coffee from the bookstore's internal coffee shop. I drink it black with no sugar. I start to browse the titles. I feel as if I'm always looking for something, and yet I don't know what it is, or what it should be.

Usually, I go to my favorite stool in the technology section and read technical reference books about web programming languages like ASP and Cold Fusion, or databases like Oracle or MS SQL Server so that I can keep my job skills current. I'm a web applications programmer at a large telecommunications company. I'm an artist at heart. Who am I fooling. I'm interested in the mysteries of life. 

Last month I bought a book on Buddhism and was thinking of adopting this spiritual practice, but there were only aspects of it that I could connect with. As I searched the shelves, my eyes fell upon Vision of Islam. I bought it and my secret � the secret between God and me � began after I said my Shahadah halfway through reading the book.

I've always believed in the Judaic and Christian prophets and there is only one more to accept � Muhammad (peace be upon him). I learn that in Islam, Jews and Christians are my brothers in faith. I feel more connected to them than I ever did before I became Muslim. We are all connected. This is God's message to humanity. Now if people would only realize it.

1999: Igniting Faith 

My friend Susanna's large hazel eyes shine whenever she talks about God. She's smart and I can see that her faith gives her so much momentum to succeed. She prays more than anyone who called themselves Christian that I had ever known. I see more energy in her than I see in most people. She speaks about God with so much passion and when I listen to her I feel so glad for her to have it. I enjoy being around her because of it. Why does faith move me so much if I don't have it?

Susanna's father is always falling out with the congregation he belongs to. He's also working on his third marriage. Susanna's faith (the way her father always changes their faith from one Christian denomination to another) makes me wonder if they will ever try something else? 

1997:  Andalusia Nights

I live alone. I attend college and I work to support myself. There seems to be little else in life, nothing below the surface. So this might be why a trip to Spain sounds so adventurous. Perhaps the adventure of an American girl going to a foreign land will add meaning to life. When I step onto the city streets of Madrid I feel the history, I smell the water trickling into the cobble stones. I can almost still hear the echo of the hooves along the roads.

This is the place where Muslims ruled during an unprecedented period of religious and cultural tolerance. Now it is still a place of faith contrasted with the cruelty of bullfights. I don't want to go to sleep here because I know I will feel as if I have missed something.

At midnight I'm still walking on El Calle Alcal. I walk into a small cathedral that is still open at this hour and sit down in the pew. The carved, polished wood, for centuries cared for, glows in gentle light. A husband and wife with silver hair and wrinkled skin walk in. They bow and kneel in prayer with such sincerity. I am sitting here, and not a worshiper, and yet I cry. Faith is a light that shines under the surface.

1996: My First Qur'an

I had heard of the Qur'an in passing before. At El Camino, where I am studying, a Muslim student shows me the Qur'an for the first time. I feel honored that she feels safe enough with me to share something so personal and so valued.

More out of politeness and because I want to show interest in what she values, I ask to hold it. She says yes. I ask about the symbols that mark the passing of text. I tell her it's beautiful, but I feel frozen, not knowing what else to do. Strangely enough, it is the most important memory I take with me as I graduate from this college.

1994:  The Five Pillars

I don't know how I'll ever get through school. Working full-time at PayLess drug store barely affords me basic living, much less pays for my school tuition and books. By the time I have any free time, I'm too exhausted to study. Because I don't have any other mode of transportation, I have to ride my bike home from work at 9 o'clock at night.

During the day I'm a pharmacy technician; I take calls in the pharmacy and ring prescriptions up on the register. The pharmacist I work with is a nice man. He's in his late 50s. We don't talk much, but one day he asks if I have heard of Islam. He tells me that he is Muslim. He tells me about the five pillars of his faith: belief, prayer, charity, fasting, and pilgrimage.

A day later he asks me if I remember the five pillars. He is surprised and delighted that I could recite them back so easily and that I remembered them. I feel refreshed that day. I have never been a very religious person. The extent of my past worship has been occasional church attendance and Christmas celebrations, but that day I start to think about spiritual things, like how we are all connected under one power. 

1982: When I'm Lost

I'm eight yeas old and last week I got lost in the store. Today I'm visiting my grandma who is a Christian. She tells me not to be afraid because I'm never really alone. God is always there. He watches and has power and love. After today, I think about God all the time.

1974:  Born

[He it is Who shapes you in the wombs as He likes; there is no god but He, the Mighty, the Wise.] (Aal `Imran 3:6)

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