|
plz suggest me. |
Post Reply 
|
Page <1 456 |
| Author | |
anam 
Newbie 
Joined: 07 October 2006 Status: Offline Points: 37 |
 Post Options
 Thanks(0)
 Quote Reply
 Posted: 22 June 2008 at 12:45pm |
|
As far as discussing in concerned we have discussed in great detail everything and my husband never gets fed up of a discussion.Though i after discussing the same topic for more than 300 times did not want in the end to discuss the same things over and over again.I wish we had bad communication as then i would have some doubt about him but too much discussion has left no doubt in my mind.I totally agree that males and females are totally different but he is not practical at all and that is his biggest problem.He makes castles in the air and never has the courage to take any practical step.He is afraid to have children afraid to shift anywhere.During our marriage he had an extreme fear of loosing his family and culture as now he was married and myabe would be transformed with wife into something which he did not want to be.Though he has almost no relationship with his family either.He kept on suspecting me all the time and kept on saying ''why are you behaving so nice what are you up to?''I was never upto anything but he never stopped suspecting.hope this will make you understand some of the things.
allah hafiz. |
|
 |
|
|
Nausheen
Moderator Group 
Female Joined: 10 January 2001 Status: Offline Points: 4251 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 22 June 2008 at 6:24pm |
|
Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir Rajeem,
Bismillah ir Rahman ir Rahim,
Assalamualaikum Anum, Please forgive me if I made any wrong presumptions in your case. Since I am no expert, can only speak with some experience and little wisdom that I have gathered during my own 13 years of marriage, alhamdulillah.After writing to you, I did go back and read more of your posts. To my understanding, your husband wants to excell in his career, but he thinks he cannot do it all by himself. Thus he wanted to have a wife who can pull him through the odds, and serve as a ladder to the mountain of success. Which in itself is not wrong, but he should approach to this gain with love and respect.
Secondly it seems he is too attached to his "soil" and it will be very difficult for him to be torn away from it. Many people are like this, and we cannot blame them for their attachment.
If you are willing I would like you to go in a stepwise manner to a solution finding protocol for yourself.
First of all, ask yourself a few questions.
A. Is your husband a "good man".
B. Are you willing to live with him, given the fact that he has some major shortcommings in his character?
C. What are your odds with a divorce. - What are you going to lose and what are you going to gain. - Then ask, if you are ready to lose what you have to, in order to gain what you want.
In other words I am telling you to ask yourself if you really want a divorce. - Putting aside for a while the question whether it is correct or not.
After you have done this perhaps you will have a direction to think in.
Please hold on to the rope of Allah. Dispair is from shaytan, so do not let him weigh you down with misery. Every thing in life comes to pass, so don't think you will be in this situation forever, inshAllah. If you are in state of depression right now, may be you give this thought process a couple of days. Thing over and over again. Write your ansswers when in the state of depression, and then write again, when you have come out of depression - then compare the two and write your final answer.
InshAllah I will try to follow-up with you on this string for as long as you want. If you are more comfortable sending me a PM, feel free to do the same.
May Allah be your guide!
|
|
|
<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
|
|
|
|
anam
Newbie
Joined: 07 October 2006 Status: Offline Points: 37 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 23 June 2008 at 12:45pm |
|
I do not want to believe that trying hard gives no results and i will never believe that,i dont want to believe that in any situation there is no hope.As there always is hope.I will always believe that prayers are answered and Allah helps those who ask for his help.This is my thinking which i dont want to change.And for me qs of giving up my marriage is more of giving up hope,and my beliefs.Though it may not make any sense to many.Where do my beliefs stand after divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Nausheen
Moderator Group
Female Joined: 10 January 2001 Status: Offline Points: 4251 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 23 June 2008 at 9:44pm |
|
Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir Rajeem,
Bismillah ir Rahman ir Rahim,
Jazak Allahu khair Anam, for this note. I pray through His mercy and grace you are doing better. You asked in one of the above posts if Allah really wants you to have this divorce. I will comment on it now. I don't know the answer. However what we do know is that divorce is one of the most disliked of the things Allah has given permission to.
A permission to do something may or may not mean it is the very thing Allah 'wants' us to do. It merely means He will not prevent us from doing, if we so choose.
Allah does not want any hardship on us. Thus it is said that if living together is next to impossible, then the spouses may seek to divorce in a congenial manner (am forgetting the exact words from the quran).
In some cases choosing to live together is the harder of the two options, thus people take the easier course (and going through divorce in and of itself is not an easy matter).
Given the circumstances you are in, the easier thing would be to divorce, but if you choose the difficult path, then may Allah give you the himma and bestow His grace on you to face the challenges.
First of all you should be prepared, and should know that the road to bliss in your marriage is a long one, where your efforts are going to be key. You will have to work very hard on making your marriage work, it will take a while before things get on track, and changes will not happen in an overnight, rather in small measures in a long period of time. So prepare yourself and know that when you get tired of trying you will turn to Allah for His help, but never give up - and Allah helps those who help themselves.
Before beginning, however you should be certain that your husband is not just "using" you to have a career abroad. That he loves you, and wants to have a future "with you" - even if that means he wants your active help and support in achieving it.
Secondly you must approach your husband and tell him something to the effect of the following :- Tell him that you understand his thinking that he should have been given a dowery, and in his culture, not receiving one may have caused him a certain degree of embarasment. However, your parents were told (through this middle person) that your family does not need dowery. Tell him that your father was not in a position to give dowery, and wouldn't have settled the marriage contract into a family where it was required of him, since this was beyond his capacity.
You may also tell him that dowery is not what your family can afford even in future. This is something which he will need to give up, in order to have a future with you.
You can only build on your marriage after the dowery issue is setteled. You have to be frank and honest about this matter, that there will not be any dowery, now or later, so that he does not have any false hopes. Also you have to make it clear to him, that building a future together means he will not make dowery an issue. If he does not agree to this, to my understanding you will not be able to come out of the mess you are in at present. And Allah knows best.
It is only after he has prepared himself to accept this, you can discuss with him the next steps - ie what the two of you should be doing so he can move either to Norway or England.
It is at this point that you can tell him you can even begin to live in his village, till he decides to move.
Your husband seems to be the indecisive type. You will have to take the initiatives, and only gradually try to shift the burdens on his shoulders. If you try to make him do all the things by himself from the start, perhaps he will not be able to make any progress - so please don't rush things, rather have a plan yourself which you disclose in a stepwise manner.
Edited by Nausheen - 23 June 2008 at 9:55pm |
|
|
<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
|
|
|
|
Post Reply
|
Page <1 456 |
Tweet
|
| Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
Topic Options