My Spiritual Crisis

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   It is more evident to me that I perhaps suffer from a crisis of faith, which has lead me to question my own religion. I have been Muslim for about 6 years now and through the years of my study of Islam it appears that in the year 2006 religious confidence has diminished. It seems that I see Islam (as opposed to how I saw it the first time I converted) the same as I see Judaism and Christianity or like the many tens of thousands of other religions. Like so many of you here believe I am perhaps a hypocrite. In some way the comment made by the moderator Mishmish was perhaps true. How can any true observant person be a Muslim if he/she questions the Word of God.
Perhaps subconsciously I do question it. Not because of clarity but because of how its socially interpreted. There is no universal interpretation of the Qur'an that is consistent enough for me to feel confident in. Of course there is, in unison the agreement of the simplistic beliefs however in other areas of interest there are some difference. Among some of my inquiries I feel that Islam is too much intertwined in a culture that is not like my own. For instance the Arabization of Islam. Many Linguist who have mastered Arabic and who are also theologians further extend their claims in the supremacy of the Arabic language by referring from the Hadith as mentioning that "Arabic is the Language of the Angels."
I too also have heard that in the Empyrean, Arabic is the language spoken. The Funny thing about this is that this is similar to what the Jewish Sages have spoken about the Torah. Similar toJudaism about the creation of Angels the Angels were created from the Shekinah or Glory from God. In Islam Angels were created from light--or Nur. I feel that if there is some great distinction within this monotheistic faith there must exist a large gap that exist between itself and from the entire religions on the face of this planet. However as reality notes there isn't.
I feel greatly the sense of isolation between myself and a large group of Muslims because my experience shave lead me to feel this way. First off, the large majority of influential Muslims support their cultures of choice. Not once did I ever see Muslims from any reputable organization come into the African-American community or involve themselves publicly, with any troubled youth nor any inmates in the prison system. I have found much discrimination, not once, not twice, not three times, but multiple times. It is true people have more of an influence on people that scripture has. If you don't believe me then we can find evidence in the actions of several men who drove planes in buildings on 9/11. Of course the Jews did it though right?
I have tried numerous times forcefully tried to reconcile myself with the community and even to the greater extent tried to reconcile the Muslim community with itself. Largely none of you wish to involve yourselves in none of my topics. If one goes back I have posted numerous positive subjects which many of us can be involved in. Of course I get the occasional response of: "Sometimes people don't know what to say" or "Sometimes people show their agreement with what you say by their lack of a response." However in the same instance would automatically input their feelings when we discuss issues with the United States or the War in Iraq or the cartoons.
Goodness here and in the world abroad is not cherished nor "out of the box" thinking is. As I was told not by just the moderators Rami and Peacemaker, but by others that, my ideas and thoughts seen as divisive towards others who are genuinely seeking Islam. So in other words, my logical ideas are basically dangerous which could lead others way basically. However blind as they are do not see that ther comments made against my country and made against so-called Western Muslim would drive away other Muslims.
I extend an apology to all those who see me as a hypocrite. Perhpas I am and perhaps I serve more than anyone else to serve in eternal damnation. You know I have done nothing but try to be the best human being as I can. The one thing I totally dislike about the Muslim community are the fake, conditional gestures. I do not call a Muslim my brother but all human beings because we live in a brotherhood and sisterhood within each other as a species. Unfortunately we have come to the point that we begin to be exclusive to each other because of religious/social influence. I love the peaceful gesture of "As'Salaamu Alaikum" but am tired of the conditional; behavior of Muslims who say to me "I say this as your sister because Allah in the Qur'an has told me so." 
So basically if you were to give advice to your brother or sister of blood you will say "I am telling you this because my momma told me" rather saying "I'm telling you this because I sincerely care about your well being." I find the former rather parroting, and insincere. We should be welcoming to all people regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation. That is why I firmly believe that we humans will continuously suffer in ignorance of each other the more we divide ourselves and exclude ourselves.
In regards to Heaven and Hell I firmly believe in their existence however I believe in the opposite of what it is socially thought as. God being so great I cannot first comprehend suffering nor bliss since we humans cannot truthfully imagine the physical sensation of Heaven and Hell. What is the need of boiling hot water poured in the mouth of a liar when the soul is farther away from his Maker? I make a similar argument in my case. I suffer my great loss because my mother is not here and I suffer everyday she is not here with me. So can you imagine the soul that is condemned by his maker? The absence of God's love is the greatest torment so there is no need for fire and boiling water for if God tuns away from you there is no greater pain. If God loves you this is the ultimate bliss because then, you come into the boosom of God's infinity and are one with him.
I can say the only reason why I am still Muslim is the fear that I am wrong.......If I didn't have this fear I would traverse to my original belief, which was a journeyman for God. I cannot in my heart of hearts feel the same way an orthodox Muslim does in viewing people of other faiths. I cannot belief that God would literally hate something in compared to him a microscopic organism, just because they have a religion something in the world so small. I tend to think God made us in many shapes, forms and colors and with many religions for the purpose of involvement with each other as a species knowing that with our growing intelligence it too, can be used to be divisivse, hateful, and spiteful.
I understand that my beliefs ar eperhaps shocking or what not and I expect not much of a response here but this is the honest truth. Everyday I ask God to forgive me if I am wrong but I sincerely feel this way. I have been judged here anyway and never once feel any spiritual connection with any Muslims here. Many of you love to compare my age but at least I show limited intelligence enough to respect people of other faiths, something I find extraordinarily hard for other Muslims to practice. Regardless what I said previously here my faith in God has not been shaken but reminaed firm but I'm should some ignorant fool would reply with an ignorant comment base don what I say here.
I hope what I say here will sink in to the other Muslims in how the are towards so-called "Western Muslims." It is important to know that we as people do in fact make a differenc ein each others lives and its important to have a welcoming attitude to people of all backgrounds. If I'm a hypocrite because I love my fellow brother and sister in my human species then I'm guilty as charged. I would also like to thank Abeer23 for this spiritual ressurection, without her ignorant comments in the other section this would not have been possible. I would like to thank the Moderators and other members for for their comments because it showed me how true the nature of the Muslim community is, today. But perhaps through  the hurtful gestures of others we can learn something.... Since respect here is rare, I'm sure the moderators will evetually close this......Regardless I'm glad I said it here.

Edited by Israfil