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hamzakhan79
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Quote hamzakhan79 Replybullet Topic: marriage without sex
    Posted: 10 January 2017 at 2:13pm
We have been married for 10 years, have two children together. Since the birth of my youngest, my wife has lost her sex drive.
I gave her time, spoke to her about my desires and have been patient. She understands that I have needs that need to be fulfilled. And it is not in my nature to force myself upon her.
Ours is not yet a hopeless situation, there is always hope for everything.

Here's my concern, I recently listened to an Islamic lecture part of it was concerned martial relationship and why it has been ordered for Muslims to be married. So that they can act out their sexual urges with their Halal partners.

So given the biology of a woman, menopause or hormonal changes after child-bearing etc., she loses her interest in sex. What is the husband to do? I understand that therapy or medication might be needed. But until that point what is man supposed to do when he has those urges.

I understand that at the time of the Prophet pbuh, they had slave girls and the spoils of war which men could use to satisfy their urges. But times have changed, that is not an option. And neither is masturbation.

What is a man supposed to do in such a situation?

On a side note; would the wife be punished for not letting her husband have intercourse with her?
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 11 January 2017 at 6:57am
Hamza welcome! Just curious, when was the last time you arranged for childcare in order to take her on an evening or day outing? Have you considered hiring help for her inside your home? Do you help her with chores at home? If she lives away from her family, how often are you arranging for her to visit her parents? If she doesn't work or have personal wealth, are you providing funds for her to purchase new outfits for dressing up at home? Are you making sure you have proper hygiene and grooming, as well as allowing for proper foreplay prior to relations? Does she have interests that aren't being fulfilled because of the children that you can help her realize? Are you taking walks with your wife as a form of exercise and enjoyment? Are eating habits not healthful and balanced? Are there any causes for underlining resentments in this relationship? Perhaps something you have said or didn't say. Are you overly critical, and not sufficiently praising her for all the good qualities she possesses.   
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hamzakhan79
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Quote hamzakhan79 Replybullet Posted: 11 January 2017 at 8:17am
Thanks for reading, I realize that the answer to most of your questions is yes but Ive broken it down anyway.

when was the last time you arranged for childcare in order to take her on an evening or day outing?

Last time we visited our home country, we got plenty of chances to leave the kids with grandparents and aunts while we went on date nights.

Have you considered hiring help for her inside your home?

Living in the States, its not cheap to hiring help. Plus, then she wouldnt have much to do in the free time.

Do you help her with chores at home?

Yes, I help her whenever I can, doing dishes, cleaning meat etc.

If she lives away from her family, how often are you arranging for her to visit her parents?

When we used to live in our home country, she would go visit her parents every week. Living abroad, and by the grace of Allah being able to afford it, I arrange for her and the kids to visit our home country almost every year.

If she doesn't work or have personal wealth, are you providing funds for her to purchase new outfits for dressing up at home?

Yes, she can purchase shoes and outfits whenever she pleases. I also tend to buy her expensive perfumes and outfits as gifts.

Are you making sure you have proper hygiene and grooming, as well as allowing for proper foreplay prior to relations?

Yes. I am all for foreplay. In fact, I like foreplay better than the actual deed.

Does she have interests that aren't being fulfilled because of the children that you can help her realize?


Her main interests have become raising the children. Other than that, I always encourage her to bring back the old interests she used to have, art, books etc.

Are you taking walks with your wife as a form of exercise and enjoyment?

We do go on hikes along with the kids on weekends. During the week its not possible.

Are eating habits not healthful and balanced?

Shes has a very healthy diet.

Are there any causes for underlining resentments in this relationship?

Not that I am aware of. I try to be very communicative and always inquire if there is anything that is bothering her in our relationship so that we can work together to fix it.

Perhaps something you have said or didn't say. Are you overly critical, and not sufficiently praising her for all the good qualities she possesses.   

She gets conscious of the weight she put on after our youngest was born. I always try to convince her that thats not really true, that shes not gotten fat or anything and that I really find her the most attractive woman ever.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 12 January 2017 at 8:56am
Allah bless you with good for your efforts. Perhaps the issue of weight and postpartum anxiety following delivery of the youngest child has some bearing on this problem. Perhaps you can discuss this with her, and suggest she speak with her doctor. Hang in there and be patient, Insha'Allah a satisfactory resolution may be close. Du'a!
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