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Message Icon Topic: Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much? Post Reply Post New Topic
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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Topic: Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much?
    Posted: 06 October 2005 at 8:32am

Assalam Alaikum Sisters,

I have a question thats been dwelling in my head ever since i got married which was a year, 2 months and 23 days ago(yea still counting *smirk*) Alhumdulillah. My husband is the only son inthe family but has 3 other sisters-all married. One with four kids, one with 2 kids and one just got married MashaAllah.

Now, his parents right now, live alone with my husbands grandmother. When my husband and I got married, they told my husband that there would be no pressure on him to live with them. They asked us to take some space and live seperate. Primarily, because my sister-in-laws were against the idea that their brother live with his parents with his wife so soon after marriage(the eldest sister having  had some bad experiences of a joint family system due to which she so strongly urged that her brother move out). Now the sisters live in different countries but come to vist perhaps once or twice a year.When they do they visit, they stay anywhere between 4-6 months.A large chunk of it is in the summer. The last sister left, not even a month ago I think and my husbands parents have told us straight up to move in with them. I found that kind of sad. I love my apartment and love my privacy. I love his parents too but don't I have a right to my own lil home?. I goto school and am in a very intense course so I can't visit them as often as I used to and we live 12-15 mins away from them. But I see them on the weekends. My husband is very understanding MashaAllah and he understands my concerns. But I feel bad that I am making it a little difficult for him. I feel like he might crack under the pressure.He's a very kind-hearted man and wants to keep everyone happy. WE had discussed this before and I told him how i felt. I told him I would like a house of my own and a house next to us would be his parents.. Is that ..i dont know, not nice? I feel and i know that he feels, that his parent smight take offence to that although i thinkt here is nothing to get offensive about. They know they have grandchildren adn daughetrs that come over and no matter what anyone says, a daughter in law kind of does unintentionally get left out. Noone is to blame for it. I understand. But I really want to have a  family that i can raise under MY kitchen. Am i being selfish? I really need some advice. Im so confused. My mother in law keeps stressing whenever she does tlakabout this,that we could buy alarger house and all liev in one and my husband and I can take the 'entire basement' to ourselves. Pardon me, but am i to raise a family in the basement? My father in law does have some heart conditions that are stable right now and my mother in law has a knee problem that she takes care of but other than that they are ok, they do their groceries and walk and go places and everything.

Please sisters if you have any advice, please lend me some, i need it.InshaAllah a solutionw ill come about often, but I just need something ot get me by right now.

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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2005 at 3:38pm
rashidr, how about getting two apartmants next two each other or in the same complex. Or renting both sides of a duplex. I totally understand how you feel, and you should not feel like you have to live with your inlaws in the basement. You need your space and in most cases I think that living with inlaws ends up causing problems. In pakistan my husbands mom and brothers family live in a split house with two doors, two sides and two kitchens. That way my sister in law has her own total privacy and can do as she wants with the house. All I can say that in a marraige privacy is gold!!! Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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ZEA J
 
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Quote ZEA  J Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2005 at 9:12pm

sister if you really want to keep the peace, DON'T move in with your in-laws... and that is my advice.

"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92)
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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 19 March 2006 at 10:21am
Assalaamualaikum

so sister, what happened? did you move in with them or no???

i would like to know........


Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Posted: 25 March 2006 at 1:47pm

salam amah

Alhumdullilah so far I havent moved in with them. But it seems like only a matter of time before I will have to. The heavy load I had last semester has calmed down because I had to drop out. My husband didnt approve of what I was doing (I was studying dental hygiene and now am in a program that he thinks is mroe appropriate for women, but this is another topic!). Anyway, My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september. I am going to school also and I will graduate inshaAllah a year before him. I am angry with him for asking me knowing his mother-who isnt an evil woman but likes everything under her control- and I dont know if I can live with them. He says he will borrow money from his dad to pay for school so he doesnt have to take interest loans and pay him back after he is done with school. I think he should borrow a little more, since Allah knows his father can afford it- for our living seperately. In the meantime, I have also gotten a job and told him I will work my way thru school and it wont be that bad. I have found a decent really cheap place for the summer thru a friend and the rent is unbeatable but my husband seems reluctant. Its almost as if he has decided that we will live with his parents. His parents are visiting one of the daughters right now overseas and will be back first week of May. Allah knows, when they come back it will be another test as they will be depressed and will miss their grandkids. I dont know if I can handle that. We visit them alot , every other day atleast if not everyday. I thought that was a good thing because that way they feel we are close and visit them alot and they wont ask us to move in. His parents said they will go again in August and come back in January of 07 but I find that hard ot believe. I dont think it will happen and I dont want to live with them for that long. My husband said that if this is the case we will live in their house till they are gone and after hajj (which his parents plan on doing) move out and live seperate. I just think this will be difficult as they will get used to us living with them and he is the only son. I dont see how we will be able to move out again.I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?

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Mishmish
 
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Quote Mishmish Replybullet Posted: 25 March 2006 at 2:33pm

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

I cannot say which is the right way for you to go, but I can say this: it will be a lot more difficult for you to move out again once you are living with his parents than it will be not to move in at all. Once something is done, it has a way of staying that way unless both parties want to change it, and from what you are saying, I don't think your husband will want to change the living arrangements once you are moved in.

May Allah help you with this test.

It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince)
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mariam
 
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Quote mariam Replybullet Posted: 25 March 2006 at 9:35pm
Assalam-alyukum
Im not sure but maybe telling you a little bit about my situation might help you, my husbands family is not in the same country, when me and my older sister got married , my mum was left alone with my little sister and brother, being so attached to my family I couldn’t live away from them even a suburb , so I now live a street away from my mums, I come to her house after work and so does my husband, we go home for sleeping and we are always here on the weekend, iam very grateful allhamdullah to have such an understating and caring husband. I may not have the same responsibilities as you do sister (like studying) but maybe moving in next door would help. I don’t think you should move in. I sometimes feel like I pay rent for nothing as we are not home other than for sleeping, but then again I also need some time with my husband.
Goodluck sister
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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 25 March 2006 at 10:41pm
Sister rashidr

My advice is , if you do not want to live with your inlaws, Please put your foot down now! Once you are in , it will be difficult to move out.... i have been in a similar situation. I regretted living with my inlaws.

Please explain to your husband that providing a house (however small) is his duty and your right. When Allah has given you this right then who are people to interfere. Talk to him lovingly and explain things to him, we pray that Allah guides him! All the best!

wassalaam...


Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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