Marriage - some advise.

Salam.

I am looking for some advice.

I have been married for 2 years now. My husband is quite angry and aggressive. When I try to talk to him he often shouts at me and tells me to 'shut my mouth up or he will kick off', he will ignore me for hours and even days if I try to talk our problems out with him. He accuses me of trying to argue, even when I tell him I don't want to argue, but we need to talk and communicate otherwise the problems never go away and just grow and grow and grow! He will never have a conversation about anything. He forces his ways upon me and I am s*****p and ignored every time.

My husband spends a lot of time chatting on Facebook and Skype. He was having an affair via the internet, which i discovered 1 month after we got married. For a year he lied and said he was having no contact with this girl, until I caught him and proved it to him in January this year. I involved his family and they put a stop to it. Anyway, he refuses to stop chatting on the internet and says the people he chat to all know he is married and they are just his 'friends' - however he keeps a lock on his laptop and a lock on his mobile phone.

He will go outside to answer his phone or to make calls.

I was made redundant in March this year and I am still looking for work. My husband works nights, 6 nights and sometimes 7 nights a week, so we don't get a lot of time together because he sleeps all day, which i understand.

When I tell him I would like more time with him, he tells me he wants to go out alone. He wants to go to London by himself, he wants to go to Birmingham by himself. He wants to go and stay with his Aunt and Uncle in Exeter for weekends by himself. I told him I would love to go to Exeter and meet his Aunt and Uncle. He told me that it is not the right time for me to meet them, when I asked why he told me that it is not the right time for him to tell me why. He said that if I want to meet them I can go by myself, but he will not go with me.

We do go to town together sometimes, but lately we have not really done anything together. If I ask to go to town with him, because I've been home alone for days as he has been at work nights and then sleeps all day and I am lonely or bored, he gets very angry and tells me that I am manipulating him. He says "If I want you to come with me, I will ask you... if I don't ask you it means I don't want you there. Don't ever ask to come anywhere with me ever again"...

He will get up and say he's going out. If I ask "where you going?" he will get angry and say "why do you need to know that? it is none of your business"...

He says that it is his right to privacy. He says he doesn't want me to know anything about him or his life or what he is up to.

If I talk while he is chatting online or "busy" as he likes to put it, he will get angry and say "don't disturb my brain, I'm chatting!"

He tells me that I am not allowed to ask him questions. If I try and talk and he doesn't want to (which is all the time) he will ignore me. If I cry he says I am manipulating him. If I say how I feel he says I am manipulating him.

I have one friend, who I meet up with for a cup of tea now and then, and I meet my mum for a cup of tea sometimes.

My husband works as a bouncer at nightclubs sometimes. I found out he had been going to a strip club after work :(. He says he goes there to see his mates because they work there or the other bouncers go there after work.

I am not muslim and when we were first married, I was very ignorant to Islam. I went clubbing with my friend 3 times but my husband told me it was not good, he did not like it, so I stopped it, this was nearly 2 years ago now. I went once more recently with his friend but I was meeting up with my husband after he finished work at the club. I never went to a strip club :(. I even had the conversation that neither of us should be going anywhere near a club in the first place. I hate it, I don't want to go. I have realised that these places are the head quarters of Satan and I just don't want to go anywhere near them any more.

I do not EVER go out and REFUSE to tell him where I am going. I will even wake him when he is sleeping in the day time to tell him that I am going to town. Or I would leave him a note. Sometimes he'll even say "where you going?" or "what time are you coming home?" and I will tell him! What do I have to hide? I believe that this is respect.

Yes, everyone is entitled to privacy and time alone. I have no problem with him going out alone. That is not the issue. The issue here is the amount of time he spends chatting to I don't know WHO on the internet (especially considering the affair he had previously), the things he says to me - telling me I'm not allowed to know about him or his life, that I can't ever ask to go somewhere with him, that when he goes out I don't need to know where he's going because it is none of my business, that I can't ask questions, that I should be there when he wants me to be there but not be there when he doesn't want me to be there, that I should shut my mouth up when I'm told to.

Is it just me, or is this absolutely crazy?? How does he think I could even begin to live a life like that?

My life is sad and lonely and he will not listen. I have spoken to his family, his very close friends - everyone has tried to tell him that this is not fair. I don't mind him going out alone or seeing his friends, I have never stopped him. He says I want to "follow" him everywhere, but I don't. Sometimes I have been in the house so long and alone for so long that I just want some company. If I tell him this and tell him I miss him, he says I am manipulating him. I'm not, I'm just telling him how I feel. I am not even allowed to say how I feel because he says it is manipulation.

I hate my life, my marriage is a dictatorship and I don't know what to do. I cannot live like this. I am currently staying at my mothers house. On Wednesday he was nasty to me. He said he was going out and I asked where, he just kept saying "I'm coming" every time I asked where. He did not want to tell me where he was going, but I told him that isn't fair, so he got angry and said "why do you need to know that? it's none of your business"... then I told him it is respect. So he said he was going to the kebab shop. Why such a big secret?.. He then called me and asked me to cook rice, so I said "I thought you were getting a kebab?" and he shouted at me and said "forget it" and hung up on me! He later accused ME of shouting at HIM, which I DID NOT do. My mother was at the house and witnessed the entire thing. Then when he got home he was sulking and ignored me and would not tell me what the problem was. He would not talk to me and just went to sit outside and ignore me any time I asked him the problem. I am so sick of this, that I said I was going to my mother's house. I tried talking to him via text Wednesday night and I told him that I cannot live with these things he is doing. I told him that we need to compromise. He ignored my texts. I tried again on Thursday 4 times, but he ignored me. He ignored me for 4 days. I tried again today and he answered but he still refuses to compromise. He says there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I asked him to meet me half way so that we are both happy. But he won't. He kept telling me that I was just trying to argue. I told him what I need. He told me that any time I want to resolve this then I should contact him. By resolve it he means put up with everything he wants.

The other day we needed some things in town. He said "lets go to town now then", so I went to get ready and all of a sudden he got up and said that he was going to town, so I said "I thought we were going together" and he said he was going and he walked out. I don't understand his behaviour.

He has been very secretive recently. A lot of secret phone calls outside, if he needs to make a call or receives a call he will make an excuse that he has to go to town and he will make lots of calls while he is out.

This behaviour is making me crazy. Why does he think this is OK?... why should I suffer this way?

Does anyone else think this is right?

Is there a cultural difference here?  Did your husband obtain residency through you?  It seems he isn't mature enough for a marriage; any children? 

In case you'll visit this forum again, SarahJ: your husband is acting like a psychopath which probably means he is one. From what you've described it seems pretty clear. That's why he thinks his behavior is OK and he will never think otherwise. You say you don't understand his behavior and the reason you don't understand his behavior is you're not meant to; you're meant to be kept in a state of confusion, frustration and guilt, because that's when he finds it easiest to manipulate you. It seems his main tool for doing this is blaming and punishing you for things you haven't done, and saying you're manipulating him, thereby making himself the "victim".

W.S. wrote: In case you'll visit this forum again, SarahJ: your husband is acting like a psychopath which probably means he is one. From what you've described it seems pretty clear. That's why he thinks his behavior is OK and he will never think otherwise. You say you don't understand his behavior and the reason you don't understand his behavior is you're not meant to; you're meant to be kept in a state of confusion, frustration and guilt, because that's when he finds it easiest to manipulate you. It seems his main tool for doing this is blaming and punishing you for things you haven't done, and saying you're manipulating him, thereby making himself the "victim".   You need to realize that this is as wrong as it can be and you should not have to suffer. What you need to realize even more is that he will never change and that you need to divorce him as soon as possible.   If or when you start talking about divorce, do not be surprised if he suddenly changes and starts telling you how much he loves you and needs you, and starts handing you gifts or whatever. If that happens you must stand fast and remind yourself that his words are empty, that's it's nothing but manipulation. You see, psychopaths aren't capable of loving anyone.   I hope you choose not to be his prey, that you break free and find a man (a human being) who deserves to be with you.

I want to comment on this post for record - though not sure if SarahJ would come back to read.