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he is not fair

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arsella_mystica View Drop Down
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    Posted: 31 May 2010 at 10:09pm
i am a muslim woman im married to an arabic muslim also.but hes married already before we got married and i know about this but still i marry him.and now i regret it..we have 2 children.he has 4 children with 1st wife.but he is with her...i am here in my country very far...he sent me here without a clear reason..is it really unfair for me she is with him living with him always and im here...in the other country.sometimes im thinking to divorce him but im afraid for the children i know this will cause something for them. im 34 but i dont want to marry again..when i marry him i told my self this would be forever but now im confused...pls help me im really confused..thanks
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Pati View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Pati Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 June 2010 at 10:49am
Hi dear arsella_mystica,

First of all, welcome to the forum.

Secondly, just a question: did he tell you what was his plan when he sent you back to your country? I mean, did he promised you would meet every month, every two months, once a year... or something like that?

If he married both of you, his first wife and you, he should take care of both, not only of one. Is he doing that? Is he taking care of you? What about the children? And the most important question, does his first wife knows that he already married a second wife? I heard about lot of situation where the husbands hides the existence of the second wife and tries to hide her, but I don't know if this situation is one of that.

Regarding what can you do, dear, you are his wife, ask for your rights as a wife, and in case he is not making the role of husband and father... well, that's only in your hands.

All the best,
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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martha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote martha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 June 2010 at 3:39am
Dear Sister,

Indeed he is not being fair with you.
Unfortunately this situation does happen a lot.


Only you can decide what you want to do regarding this situation. You know that he has to be equally fair with you and his 1st wife. And he is not doing this.
By the way, where does he live now? And where do you live?
Does he plan to visit you sometimes?

Divorce is not always the answer, but sometimes it is necessary. You and your children deserve to be happy in life, and not be confused as to when he will visit or phone.

I understand that whatever you decide will have consequences. Do istikharah . Keep us informed of what happens.

We will all pray for you.

Salams

some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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arsella_mystica View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote arsella_mystica Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 June 2010 at 7:50am
SALAM SIS PATI AND MARTHA..THANK you.I feel im ailve again..for your replies. its really a long sad story of my life..im just a quiet person i dont have much friends because i dont want them to ask me after about my married life i will just feel bad, feel down.im always at home just take  care for my children.. actually he dont tell me exactly why he send me here but i feel and i think its about expenses...if we will live there in UAE he will spend more.as a very understanding woman i just take it but now its very difficult.he's ok with our support its continous but not enough...for example he will gave me 1000 thats for everything even for doctors\medicines if we get sick..so it means a deduction for my budget for food..he dont visit us every year i know its quite expensive..we dont talk always in the phone again its expenses even in internet to make chat because hes so busy with his work..actually after 3years he just visited us the other month but stay here only ten days..and another thing im not that envy what the other family have inside their house but if you will compare whats inside my place and to the other family theres a big difference...maybe he dont care that much because hes not living with us. sure i feel very sad.again im very understanding...a very loyal faithful wife.i dont even try to cheat him because im a true God fearing woman...these are just some of unfairness i have...if i will tell it all maybe some will think im very st**id woman for keeping these things...i just wanna have a family intact complete...but ?pls i really need also somebody to talk to even just through my mail.just to share and feel im not aloneCry 
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yelenaferjani View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote yelenaferjani Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 June 2010 at 7:26pm

I am so so sad sister reading your story. Your husband is not right: if he and his first wife agreed for you to marry him, he should treat as his wife, not a send away stranger. But if he sees you and your children once every other year, is he a husband for you? I am not suggesting a divorce, it’s only for you to decide, but you deserve to have loving and caring men by your side, not to be alone. And why are you ashamed? He should be ashamed for treating you badly, not you. Have some friends, they could be the best support you can have in your life. Just think about that you can still meat your true love and have a happy family, but you cannot meet anyone if you still married to your far away husband. I know so many happy stories when women get divorced because their husbands treated them badly or would not spend time with them and remarried happily, some have three children with them. If you want to be happy, you have to fight for it. Before I married my husband, our relationship was taking a great tall on me, I suffered a lot. It was long distance, international, and interreligious and very painful because I was not sure how it would end. I left my family, drop out of university and travel half world to be with someone I barely knew, to get married and start a new life without anything. I never regret that decision. I wish you strength, sister, be active and fight for your rights and your happiness. Allah did not send you here to suffer, he wants you to be happy, but it not always comes easily.

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fais View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fais Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2010 at 12:30am
Salam,
 
Sister just tell one thing to him,is he doing justice to as per the islamic guidelines.
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arsella View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote arsella Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 August 2010 at 9:10am
hi martha..i have problem logging in thats why only now i can make comments again..anyway just to tell you news about me..sure he is heartless..i think he's not a man and a muslim..you know what happen he left me already..he left us with nothing just like that..sure it really make me crazy because he left us when its time for paying bills..i dont know what to do..i dont have job..and you know what he dont talk to me direct only his friend told me we're finished..i know he has problem but leaving us without giving something sure very bad..i know God will surely punish him...i dont do anything..im very faithful to him..now im living by God's grace..i still dont have work my children in a private school, im full of debts from other people borrowing just to survive the days...i start to sell some of my things etc. etc...why some men like that...hurting woman who is so faithful to themplease%20wait%202%20seconds%20for%20an%20uncompressed%20image,%20or%20press%20Ctrl+F5%20for%20original%20quality%20page function FN_IR_load(){var script = document.createElement('script');script.type = 'text/javascript';script.src = 'http://62.0.5.128/irscripts/imgreload.js';document.getElementsByTagName('head')[0].appendChild(script);}var FN_IR_loaded = false;if(document.images.length > 0){FN_IR_loaded = true;FN_IR_load();}
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fais View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fais Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 August 2010 at 10:58pm
Salam Sister,
 
May allah help you in this difficult time,pray salah in tahjjud and ask allah for the best for you.then accept whatever comes your way.
 
I dont know your situation but i think if you can take a job in some gulf country it will be good for your family as native speakers get good job and payment here.
 
If you want i can help you with some contact numbers here in saudi of british managers,anyways just a try to help u in some way.
 
May Allah help you.
can you tell me which arab country your husband from.
 
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