MARRIAGE

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Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:03am

Thanks for all the replies.We plan to get married after 4 months.Whatever you all have written i have always done.But one thing which im doing is a bit harmful for me but i will stop it once i feel he is comfortable.I let him criticize me which he does rarely.This way there would be a balance between us.The only problem is that hopefully i will be able to stop this criticism later on.allah hafiz

saima100

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Posted: 24 October 2009 at 4:51am

Hi it is me again.In the last few weeks i have grown to know him more and more.He is somewhat secure with me but still far from normal.This total situation created extreme stress for me and i got different symptoms of depression.I myself lost 4 kg of weight and as well lost alot of sleep.A number of friends helped me here as im lucky to have some v sincere friends.
   I have come to the conclusion about him is that he is open about everything practical and he is open about ideas about everything around him.But he has an excellent way of hiding his true self and feeling behind his extreme romantic talks,praising,giving gifts and jokes.It is like he wants to buy me with these things.It would have worked v well with a girl who was mentally immature and materialistic.But as im none so it is not working.I want the real him and which he is extremely frightened to expose.He is extremely uncomfortable when his above mentioned tricks are put aside.Most of the times he pretends to be romantic and pretends to praise me and be in love with me which in return gives him or me nothing.As faking does not help.Though i do encourage all his real talks and discourage his fakeness.But he due to being the eldest at his home and being at the place of his father after the father left has taken the role of people pleaser.He is always in the role of pleasing others.And he does it to such an extent that he gives no importance to any of his own true feelings.Pleasing his mother or siblings works and it helps in those cases as well where he does not need to have a long relationship like with clients etc.Similarly with friends whom he does not meet more than once a month.But when it comes to a true relationship like with a wife it does not work.As someone real care and love can not be bought by pleasing only the other person.One has to please onesself first.
   As he is so good at hiding his true self.He is unaware of the fact what he is doing.He says always that others moods effect him alot and if all people around him are happy he is happy as well.If they are stressed he is stressed as well.For him idea of a good conversation is when im laughing all the time.In short he in one way or the other makes me laugh even when he is extremely worried and that he is often.
   Only one positive thing has come out upto now and that is that he has normalized the number of sms and has redcued to 3 times daily and calling to every second day without feeling guilty.

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Posted: 24 October 2009 at 4:59am

The conclusion which i have come to is that he is not honest to himself or me.And is extremely frightened to be honest.He is extremely ashamed of his parents divorce and this is one of his biggest fears.At the same time his own divorce has led him into fearing this even more and he wants everything to be perfect.
   The problems which he told with his ex wife were that
1)we never had any topic to talk on.(which can be due to the fact that he had fake conversations to make her happy)
2)she did not think anything he said was romantic(as he pretended and tried to make her happy when he himself did not want to say those things)
3)she did not like his sense of humour(he has an excellent sense of humour when is being himself but when he pretends to be humourous and entertainer it all becomes totally fake)
   The fact that she criticized himn immensely did not help in any way either.Now im hoping that with some time it all will become better in our case but who knows.
   He is extremely in controll of all his emotions and is v sure of all his abilities but extremely unsure about his own personal self.He in no way wants to show his vulnerable self by being honest to his own feelings.And at the same time his biggest problem is that
WHY IS THERE NO PASSION IN ANY OF MY RELATIONSHIPS?

saima100

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Posted: 24 October 2009 at 5:08am

Now the problem is that how is there going to be any passion in any relationship or for that matter any true relationship at all when all one is doing is pretending.In this way there is extreme problem in developing attachment with a person.So he is a person who has come out of the normal problem people have.
that is
1)mostly crudest poeple show extreme jealousy,extreme anger,extreme revenge when they want to.(he has mentally grown out of those things)
2)Somewhat refined people often have conqured these extreme crude feeling but still cant give the equality to a wife and demand and get happy when she does everything for him.(he has conquered that as well,as he has no problem giving everything in everyway to another person,full rights to the last detail)
3)what he has not conquered is his fear of showing his true emotions without being crude.And if he will not be able to do that there will never be an honest relationsip.And dignosing a problem is another thing but how am i going to treat it.Can anyone give me suggestions and please do give me without delay.

saima100

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Posted: 24 October 2009 at 5:24am

The situation that his mother and his all siblings are still dependent on him emotionally does not let him think of himself.He is always in the role of father.Helping other and making others happy.So he is in 2 roles all the time.
1)defending himself if someoneelse shows any sort of unhappiness.
2)pleasing others to give them their needs.
Now my problem here is that im financially independent and earn more than him.I have travelled most of the world alone and have lived and worked in a number of cultures.Worked at different levels from extreme low jobs to highest jobs.I have lived from a village in Pakistan which had no electricity,tlf or tv.And i have lived in 5 star hotels as well.This all i have not done with choice but the situation has always led to one or the other thing.Nor am i materialistic.Nor needy or clingy for soemones love.It in no way means that im not a humble person.I have friends from different cultures and different countries and really close ones due to their truthful nature.All my friends vary immensely from being v highly educated to low education.From totally independent people to girls who get beaten everyday.From extremely rich to extremely poor.From people who have 7 children to those who want none.Those who are married and those who live together without marriage.And at the same time im religious as well and believe in family values and i do want a good marriage and a family.So all my needs are already met.Secondly i have gone through some v serious problems other than my first divorce as well in my life which i cant mention in detail due to their nature.And as a result i cannot live with any sort of fakeness at all.
Please do give me advice in this matter after reading in detail all what i have written.

Pati

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Posted: 25 October 2009 at 12:07am

Dear Saima100,

I feel sorry for what you are saying. It seems that your boyfriend needs to be needed by someone, and as you said in your last post, you are not that kind of person who needs someone the whole time.

But don't lose the hope, and I would suggest you to go to him directly and to tell him all that face to face, to tell him that you don't feel that he is opened with you and that's what you want.

Even, if you really want to go on with your marriage, you both can go to a couple pycologist and try to fixe that differencies.

In my opinion, no relation can works if the basis was the lie and the fakeness, because the lier cannot be lying the whole life, and in the moment he stopped you would be cheated. So now, I think you are lucky because you realised before getting married.

Just one thing: maybe God sent you to him to help him, because it's obvious that he needs help. I would suggest you to try your best to help him, without hurting yourself, of course. Maybe it can works.

See, the most important is that he is not bad, he is helping everyone, actually, the problem is that he is too much doing that. But his heart is clean, do you know how much difficult is it to find someone who puts his family on the top of everything? Really, in the current times this is such a strange thing that you should value it.

Anyway, all the best and please, be opened with him, and if you can do, talk to him face to face, look at his eyes and see the reaction he has while you tell him your thoughts.

Kind regards

Patricia

No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.

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Posted: 25 October 2009 at 3:38am

Salams Saima100,

It seems you have learned a great deal over recent weeks.

Are cracks begining to show and you have doubts? It appears that way.

You say he is devoted to his family,and he is responsible for them. It is good he looks after them.

But there is more to think about than this. Try to look at it from all angles. Is he a prisoner to his family and has no freedom to choose much in life? Is he comfortable with this situation because he is unable to form a lasting relationship with a non-family member? Does he like to give the impression of being the big boss but in reality he has to do as his family say? So to compensate he controls others? It is possible that his 1st wife could not cope with this? I could also be completely wrong so forgive me for suggesting something I cannot possibly know about him. Only you can judge.

You are a well travelled woman, you understand the world. Maybe he does not or cannot or want to see the same as you, because he has life circumstances and limitations?

I am sure that he is comfortable with his condition. He obeys his family because 1. he likes to please them 2. because he is not strong enough to decide for himself?

You must decide what you want here. He may be a thoroughly good and decent man. BUt is this enough? You have already said he is fake in his answers to you. That will give you cause not to trust him. That is not good in a marriage as Pati has also said. Do you think he will change after marriage? Think carefully about that. People only accept help if they want to be helped. Are you that person? Do you want to risk your happiness to save another? You have had your own share of sadness in life. Maybe you tried to help your previous husband and for all your good intentions it went wrong for you.

He will bring baggage into the marriage. Are you strong enough to accept anything that his family may ask of him? It could involve a co-wife. Do you want that? You will not be given a choice on many things..you will probably not be his first responsibility. And would he be truthful with you on such issues?

You have all this and more to consider.

Sister, I am not here to disuade or persuade you of anything. I hope you listen to my advice in the manner it is given..as concern and love for a sister in Islam.

All the very best

Martha

some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set

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