Is a working woman to pay for anything in marriage

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   Dear Chrysalis, yes there is frustration. And I have always let her know that what I have is hers. But we did agree initially that she should keep her prior savings to herself but what we earned after was our money. So without being in need of my chivalry, she then tells me I should be providing for everything, even if she doubts that I could! I am not a convert. Born Muslim. I have issue with being the provider monetarily if my wife needs it, is not working and keeps the house. Now if I do most of the housework already, then she is not being fair and when I offer to pay for all bills and grocery, she tells me to study more Islam, I.e. there is nothing I 'get away with not paying for'. I thought it was chivalrous of me to offer that to please her, but then it's like she wants the whole arm when hand is extended. So now I'm trying to find out if I am obliged to Pay for her car and cinema expenses. 

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Munnim Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 19 June 2012 Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote Munnim Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 June 2012 at 7:43pm
	Dear Chrysalis, yes there is frustration. And I have always let her know that what I have is hers. But we did agree initially that she should keep her prior savings to herself but what we earned after was our money. So without being in need of my chivalry, she then tells me I should be providing for everything, even if she doubts that I could! I am not a convert. Born Muslim. I have issue with being the provider monetarily if my wife needs it, is not working and keeps the house. Now if I do most of the housework already, then she is not being fair and when I offer to pay for all bills and grocery, she tells me to study more Islam, I.e. there is nothing I 'get away with not paying for'. I thought it was chivalrous of me to offer that to please her, but then it's like she wants the whole arm when hand is extended. So now I'm trying to find out if I am obliged to Pay for her car and cinema expenses.

Chrysalis Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033	Post Options Post Reply Quote Chrysalis Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 June 2012 at 4:58pm
	Also, I want to add that your situation is not very different from most muslim households in terms of the man's contribution. The only difference in your case is that your wife is actually financially secure. In most muslim households, the woman usually is not earning. So if you ignore your wife's paycheck - you are doing what the average muslim man does anyway! The average muslim man spends on his wife, pays for her clothing, shelter, amusement, shopping sprees AND house-help. In the west - where paid househelp is expensive, many muslim husbands help out with chores. In the east, where labour is cheap, the average muslim household has maids, drivers, cleaners etc. Then there are those muslim husbands who are God-fearing and generous who go beyond their islamic responsibilities of the wife and end up financially helping the wife's relatives too. Leaving your wife's paycheck out of the equation, wouldn't you have been doing all this anyway? Most muslim husbands do. However I do feel bad that you feel things are unfair. Are you a born-muslim? Or a convert? I would strongly advise you do something about your apprehensions because 8 months into the marriage, you both shouldn't be worrying about financial responsibilities, its not a very healthy foundation. You both need to sit down and work all this out now.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

Chrysalis Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033	Post Options Post Reply Quote Chrysalis Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 June 2012 at 4:37pm
	It seems to me that you are kind of frustrated with your situation, and want to know how you can get back at her with ''your rights'' and her ''responsibilities''. That can't be good for your relationship. Do you have an otherwise good relationship with your wife? I can tell you as a woman, that women respect men with chivalry. A man who wants his wife to chip in financially, or one that stews over the fact that she is making more money than me - is not being very chivalrous. I can tell you that if you let this matter go, and stop expecting financial contribution from your wife, she will have more respect for you. When she has more respect for you, you will find it easy to fulfill the role of the 'man of the house''. If she loves you and respects you, she will automatically want to do things for you. Before I got married, I was very adamant about ''housework is not my responsibility''. Alhamdulilah my husband also agrees with that, and does not expect me to wait on him. Due to his chivalry, I find I want to do things for him. This is not something you can enforce on your spouse. She should be doing it out of love and respect for you. Practice being a bit more chivalrous and generous (financially) around your wife for a month. See if it effects her behavior towards you. Yes, Islam is fair.. which is why it makes sure that the woman is taken care of. Women cannot have as successful and smooth careers as men due to eventual pregnancies, kids etc. If she was wise enough to save up now, that is good. She may need to help out her relatives, spend on her kids in the future etc. This is how Allah intended for women to be financially secure. All good husbands want their wives to be taken care of. Their main concern is their wife and kids' welfare in-case something happens to them... You both could set out a budget so she does not overspend (although chivalrous men overlook that now and then lol. Unless its crazy spending). Look on the brighter side, if she didn't have her own money, she would be even more financially dependent on you and you would be chipping in more. With regards to house (and any spending) your financial responsibilities are based on what you can afford (islamically). So if she wants a house that you cannot afford, you are under no obligation to go under debt for her. The husband is supposed to provide within his means. I also suggest you communicate your feelings to your wife. Talk about it... and its better to forget about the money she has saved up, or what she earns. Tell her you feel its unfair etc and talk it out. Hear what she has to say.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

Munnim Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 19 June 2012 Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote Munnim Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 June 2012 at 10:28am
	Dear Abuayisha, with rights come responsibility. I am looking for information to balance out the equation. I know it is not as clear cut as you put it. For one ayah 4:33 contradicts it. If we both stand back and claim our rights, it will be an unproductive standoff. Men And women should abstain from that. That would be great.

Pati Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 10 April 2009 Location: Spain Status: Offline Points: 304	Post Options Post Reply Quote Pati Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 June 2012 at 5:14am
	I will just add something to my last words: the Prophet PBUH, he married a rich woman, Khadiya, who gave him everything until becoming poor. Is there anything more islamic than this example? The selfish is not made for the marriage. To get married is the same than this ecuation: 1 + 1 = 1 It should be like this, you should not keep secrets, thinkings (well, only some of thems), problems, money or properties from your other half. Good luck and I hope you will find your Islamic counseil. Kind regards, Patricia
	No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 June 2012 at 9:03am
	It is your Islamic duty to support and maintain your wife completely. She, even if rich beyond our dreams, does not have to contribute anything. You can ask for whatever you want, but it is not your right to receive anything. If she agrees to spend it is from her kindness only and not her duty. Duty and obligation, both belong to you. Her money is for her and she is under no compulsion islamically to give you anything. She knows her rights, which is great!

Munnim Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 19 June 2012 Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote Munnim Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 June 2012 at 2:39am
	And Pati, running 1 wife is cleaning me out, can not imagine taking care of more. Respect to those who handle that :)

Munnim Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 19 June 2012 Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote Munnim Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 22 June 2012 at 11:28pm
	Thank for the advice Pati and abuayisha. And it is welcome, but I'm looking for answers about how it should be islamically and if I am asked to honor the financial rights of the woman to the letter, what am I entitled to ask for, financially, bearing in mind that she does work.